I’m late! But, not pregnant.

Day 38 of my cycle and no period yet.  Took a million pregnancy tests and went to the doctors office yesterday.  I knew I wasn’t pregnant.  Didn’t feel any of the symptoms.  But I did think it was weird that my period hasn’t arrived yet.  Still hasn’t.  Lots of wet discharge though.  At least twice a day I feel like, oh, here it is and then it’s still clear.  So when the hell will it arrive now?  Clomid f**ked me up that much that my period is taking almost 40 days to arrive?  So the doctor first thought I was ovulating late and now perhaps not ovulating at all.  My husbands sperm shape is in the 1% range and it needs to be 4%, but he has plenty of it we’re told so that’s a good thing.  He went to get a trial wash on Wednesday but turns out the place he went just did a regular analysis (which he did last month and a few times before), so that was a waste of a trip.  Someone not doing their job correctly and following instructions on the doctors order (this place is not affiliated with my doctor thank goodness).  That’s annoying.  The wash was supposed to show if it was a higher percentage, stripped down so we could try artificial insemination.  Since both of us have a little bit of an issue with trying to conceive she recommended seeing a fertility specialist.  So, here we go.  I think it’s total bullshit that everyone and their mother get pregnant at the drop of a hat or when they aren’t even trying or want to have a baby.  I also think it’s total bullshit that we have to go through all of this to become parents when it’s quick and natural for so many.

Our health insurance does have a program that helps with the cost of fertility options, which is really awesome.  There’s one good thing!  I’m waiting to hear back from the nurse who has been assigned to me to tell me which location I’d have to go to.  Then my doctor will let me know if they know anyone there to recommend specifically.  She took blood to check something (I forget) that maybe I need more folic acid and also recommended taking Pregnitude which is a natural reproductive support dietary supplement.  In the mean time, I also need to ask how long do we wait for my period to arrive?  What if it never arrives?  I’ve always been regular so this kind of freaks me out.  Should I take clomid again this month once my period does arrive or can I stop taking it?  I think I’d prefer to stop taking it if I have a choice, but if they say it’ll help me then I suppose I need to continue to take it?  This all sucks and is confusing and shitty.

I’m hoping my medium was right.  She said she was spring time/Easter eggs with any sort of baby news.  Maybe that means we will conceive in the next few months.  Have to have something positive to focus on, right?

I do hot yoga, I walk on the treadmill at the gym, I take a pilates class.  I’m now thinking about acupuncture and an extreme diet of just spinach and sweet potatoes.  Then I think, what does it matter to try certain things because there is always going to be some problem.  I guess we just see the specialist and take it from there.  The place I’m thinking we have to go is not close so that sucks…lots of appointments, far away, interferes with work and what not.  This whole thing just sucks.  Trying to stay positive is difficult.

It’s been one year

One year ago today we were informed that our first pregnancy was ectopic and I was injected with a shot of methotrexate.  The worst day of my life.  One year later, it doesn’t hurt any less.  We try every month to conceive (and now with the help of clomid) and come up disappointed over and over again.  I feel a punch to my gut every time I see an announcement that a friend is expecting or a baby was just born.  Actually a friend and her husband were told that they would not be able to conceive without the help of IVF (both having some sort of a problem) and a few weeks later she took a test and is pregnant.  While I’m happy for them I can’t help but think why can’t that be us?  We’ve been trying longer and have gone through so much heartache already.  I also hope that it is a healthy pregnancy too and they don’t find out at their first appointment next week that it’s ectopic.

My husband got me the greatest gift for my birthday a few weeks ago.  It’s actually being made and sized so we don’t have it yet.  It’s an eternity ring to stack on top of my wedding band filled with diamonds and sapphires.  Sapphires are the birthstone for September and that is when our baby would have been due.  It’s also my husband’s birth month.

I had plans for today – clean the house and organize a few things- but I can’t seem to get out of bed.  I want to just lay in the dark and hopefully fall asleep all day long so I don’t hear my thoughts of sadness and loss of hope.  I think I can allow myself to do that.  Chores can wait and tomorrow is a new day.

Clomid (Changing Body, Changing Habits and other stuff)

I just finished my 3rd cycle of clomid.  In November I was prescribed 50mg.  Didn’t work.  In December I was prescribed 150mg.  Didn’t work.  In January I was prescribed 100mg.  Didn’t work.  Why did we go down 50mg this month?  Because I was miserable and also had false hope that I was pregnant.  In December I felt like I was in someone else’s body.  My boobs and nipples hurt so bad.  I was fat and bloated all the time and very fatigued.  Since I’ve felt actual pregnancy symptoms before with the ectopic pregnancy, I really thought maybe I was pregnant due to the way I was feeling.  I have a choice at any point in time to stop the clomid.  I just don’t know yet if I want to do that even though I feel like shit on it.

I wish I wasn’t a little bit overweight right now.  I always feel like maybe that would make a difference or help me feel better during this difficult journey of trying to conceive.  It’s my own fault.  I treated my body poorly and didn’t exercise as much the past year after the pregnancy loss.  I’m finally in a place (one year later) that I’m determined to get back to feeling better about myself.  I’ve made healthy changes.  Trying to kick my diet coke habit and limiting caffeine (coffee, yum).  Focusing on the average of 10,000 steps a day (which is sometimes not easy when I have a busy day at work stuck at my desk)!  I’ve been very consistent with hot yoga since the end of June, but that alone has proven to really not do much for me (but give me gratitude, peace, mindfulness, calmness and flexibility – which helps during baby making sessions, ha) in the weight loss area.

What I find frustrating is that those of us having difficulty have to worry about all this stuff.  How much do we weigh?  Do we eat healthy?  Do we drink caffeine?  Do we exercise?  There are SO MANY women out there who are drug addicts, overweight and have a horrible diet that get pregnant.  What about someone who is not fit to be a parent?  Again, so frustrating.

I’ve been taking prenatal vitamins forever along with Metanx which is the natural form of Folgard (folic acid).  It smells and tastes like ass.  I have to take it because of the MTHFR gene mutation I have.  We don’t process Folgard properly so we need the natural form.  I used to not take vitamins at all because they made me feel weird.  But now, I’ve been taking them for over one year because I want to have a baby.  When I took a vitamin before and trying to maintain my weight, I felt that I gained weight while taking vitamins.  I know, weird.  But I swear there is something to that.  Weight gain since I’ve taken vitamins.  But it’s not all about being “skinny” I suppose.  I’m doing this for a reason but there is a part of me that just wants to stop taking all of this shit and get my body back.

At least once a year I like to color my hair just for something fun and new.  Usually I do the 28 day shampoo wash out colors and go for red (I’m light brown naturally).  In December I had the desire to change my hair and really wanted to go lighter (blondish).  I made sure to ask my doctor about coloring hair while trying to get pregnant.  He said that it’s OK to do during the first 2 weeks of my cycle.  I had an appointment booked before Christmas but had to cancel it due to the fact that I COULD have been pregnant and didn’t know it yet.  I booked it for my birthday instead because by that time I would know if I was pregnant or not.  Since unfortunately I was not pregnant, I was able to keep my birthday hair appointment.  I decided (with my stylist) on balyage highlights because my natural roots are kept, along with my natural hair color underneath.  The blond, painted on highlights would be on top but not all the way to the roots.  This way, if I do become pregnant, it won’t look horrible growing out.  Do I like it?  It’s OK.  I have to get used to it.  But I wanted and change and a change I got!  If I don’t get pregnant in a few months I may just go full on blond!

Where is my Holiday Cheer?

It’s that time of year.  Thanksgiving has passed.  While I’m full of gratitude for a lot of things (my husband, our dog whom we consider our daughter, our cats, our home, our jobs and our wonderful family and friends), it’s hard to feel any sort of holiday cheer right now.  Now, it’s onto Christmas and Hanukkah and all the shopping that comes with it.  I have no desire.  None.  I walk into a store and walk right out (thank goodness for online shopping).  I’ve even asked my husband if it’s ok if we not put the tree up this year because it’s such a hassle.  He seems ok with that.  While the holidays are full of presents (it’s totally fun to open presents and get new things), it should be more about spending quality time with the ones you love.  That’s what I keep telling myself when I don’t feel like shopping and buying gifts.  I think the problem is, I’d rather be buying baby things for us, hoping that we were pregnant.  I constantly see families with kids doing fun holiday traditions together.  Tree lightings.  Polar Express rides.  Reindeer petting farms.  Elf on a Shelf.  Whatever.  We have fun doing those things together and possibly with our dog (if dogs are allowed) but it’s not the same when you wish you had a child of your own.  We also have an adorable niece and nephew that we constantly see pics of that fill our hearts with love (we don’t get to see them too often) but I still feel sad watching them, knowing we don’t have any kids of our own.  My husband and I took our dog for a walk today and talked a little bit about this…how long to keep trying and what is next.  We pretty much decided to keep doing what we are doing through the winter and then we look into more options.  We also are ok with deciding, if it comes to that, to stop trying and live a life full of love together.  We are in this situation due to our age.  If we were younger, I don’t think we’d worry so much, or even talk yet about what if we don’t have children.  We are doing everything right.  It doesn’t make sense that we aren’t pregnant yet and it’s just not fair.  I also have another cyst on my vagina.  Luckily it’s not on my labia like last time so it doesn’t hurt as bad and warm compresses seem to help.  It’s still just not fair.  Why is this happening to me?  Why am I always in discomfort and not getting pregnant in the process?

A lot of days when I’m alone I find myself feeling depressed or bored or wondering what to do with myself.  I’m sad.  I want to find joy in the small things but it’s hard.  Every time I look at a picture of someone’s kid I wonder what our kid would look like.  Would our kid smile so big and giggle like that?  Or is that just a dream?  Then, there are possibilities that something could go wrong in pregnancy and that is scary too.  After all the disappointment we’ve been through, could we handle a challenge if we were to get pregnant and something was wrong?

I just want to stop feeling sad and defeated and disappointed all of the time.  I think I’ll only find that joy and “holiday cheer” back if I were to become pregnant (a healthy pregnancy please).  I don’t want to feel sad all of the time either, so how do I get over that if I never do get pregnant?

Can’t catch a break

Ever hear of a bartholin cyst?  I haven’t until today.  Earlier in the week I noticed something felt a little off when I wiped after peeing.  I took a quick look and didn’t really see anything.  This kept going on for a few days when suddenly it hurt a bit more.  I took a closer look and there seemed to be a bump on my right labia.  I had my husband look at it and we both figured it was probably just a zit or something in an odd spot.  This has happened to me once or twice before in my life.  The pain got worse and the bump got bigger and harder.  I felt discomfort when I walked and the area was very irritated.  Yesterday it was bigger than ever and really hard.  I googled zit on labia and found a few things regarding zits and cysts.  Suggestions were to take a soak, use baking soda and that eventually it would heal on it’s own.  I couldn’t imagine this huge sucker healing on it’s own.  Today I was in so much pain.  I took a baking soda bath and had my husband look at it again.  He was shocked at the size of it.  In so much pain I decided to call the answering service to my OBGYN’s office.  They got my doctor on the phone and after describing it to him he said it sounds like a bartholin cyst and said they are common and getting it drained is a must.  He suggested I go to the ER (since it’s Sunday) or I can wait to call the office in the morning and get an appointment at one of the 3 offices in the area for tomorrow.  Knowing I have to process payroll tomorrow for over 150 associates, I chose to head to the ER to get this taken care of.  As I checked in with the nurse and told her what I was there for, she asked how do I know?  Explained the conversation I had with my doctor and she seemed to agree.  She immediately showed empathy.  God, this f*cking hurts.  Maybe she’s had one before?  Or maybe she just knows how much it hurts from patients who have had this.  The lady who took my blood pressure gave me a sad face look too, like, “oh honey, I know you must be in a lot of pain”.  Then she said, “oh, those are from shaving”.  I did read that on one of the several links I pulled up on the internet but I don’t put a razor on my labia!  Who does?  There isn’t even hair there.  Sure I shave my bikini line but wouldn’t the cyst develop there then?  I chat with her as she walks me to room 49 and mentioned last time I was here was for methotrexate for an ectopic pregnancy.  She said she would pray for me.  That was nice of her.  I was just chatting saying this really sucks and it hurts a lot and if it’s not one thing it’s another since our journey to become parents.  We get to room 49 and someone is in there.  She then says, “oh, an ambulance must have arrived with a patient” (so it didn’t show in the system?).  I followed her through the area where doctors are and she asked me to wait there.  I hear the medics asking the patient in room 49 if she has a history of cutting herself.  That reminds me that my life isn’t all that bad and I felt sorry for the patient in that room.  She gets me into room 45.  I take my pants off and get comfy, turn on the TV and watch an episode of House Hunters Renovation on HGTV.

My husband and I just drove back from a 3 hour drive after visiting family.  He had to go to work so I drove myself to the ER.  I wish he could have been with me.  Finally the doctor came in and took a look.  He confirmed it was a bartholin cyst.  I asked my many questions.  How is this caused?  Is this common?  Now that it’s happened to me is it likely to continue to return (something I read online)?  Do I have to take antibiotics (because I don’t want to with actively trying for a baby)?  Can I still have sex, since we are trying for a baby?  You are going to insert a small catheter?  Will it hurt?  How long will it stay in?  Can you take a blood test to see if I’m pregnant now even though I took a home pregnancy test yesterday and it was negative?  You want to give me pain meds?  I don’t want them because I could possibly be pregnant.  Ugh.  So many questions and I feel defeated.  Another shitty thing is happening to me.  To us.  In the process of wanting to become pregnant.

They were very nice to me and explained everything.  There is no real cause.  The gland just gets blocked somehow and a cyst forms.  Mine was the size of a large cashew and was definitely infected.  They occur and sometimes people don’t even know they are there and they go away on their own.  Not me!  Mr. Cashew wanted to be seen and felt.  The bright side?  It wasn’t the size of a golf ball or larger which could happen.  I asked for something to squeeze before they put a f*cking needle into my labia.  I was handed a wad of gauze.  Before this happened I heard ambulance patient screaming things like “get away from me”…blah blah.  I reminded myself again that I don’t have it so bad.  Once the gauze was in hand and she told me she was ready to begin I felt the worst pain ever.  She poked me 4 or more times with a needle in my right labia to numb it.  Now I was that patient in the other room but I screamed “F*CK and JESUS CHRIST” more than once while practically lifting my pelvic to the ceiling wanting to jump off the bed.  They leave me be for a bit to let the numbing take place.  I’m glad I didn’t have mascara on or I would have walked out of there looking like Alice Cooper.  Then, there is a knock on the door from the hallway (not the area the doctor comes in from).  It’s a lady looking for her mother’s slippers.  Really!?  I replied that someone is in here and there are no slippers.  She then asked if I was dressed/covered.  I replied yes.  She walked right in, all smiles, saying sorry and looked for slippers.  Not there.  Seriously?  See you later a**hole.

Once they were down there attempting to put the word catheter in, I didn’t feel a thing.  Thank God.  They claimed it would just take one second though.  Before they started they did ask me again if I was sure I didn’t want any pain medicine.  I declined in case I was pregnant and they wouldn’t do a blood test to see if I was, saying it was too soon and it wouldn’t show since my last period was 10/5.  I said no medicine.  Plus I drove myself.  I was advised to take some tylenol.  Ok, that I can do.  So, one second was more like 5 minutes (watching the clock).  Again, thank God I can’t feel anything.  Turns out that my cyst wasn’t big enough to take the word catheter.  It didn’t want to stay in.  I guess that’s a plus!?  At least I would not have to go back to doctor’s office to get it removed in a week or so.  They stuffed it with gauze and said it’ll fall out on it’s own or I can remove it myself tomorrow.  In the mean time keep it dry and no hot yoga for a day or so (darn it..that’s my happy place at 6pm on Mondays).

It now just stings.  A lot.  I’m afraid to look at it or go to the bathroom.  I’m so uncomfortable but I feel like I’m probably not as uncomfortable as I was with a blood and puss filled cyst on my labia.  I’ll have to wait and see what I feel like tomorrow.  I wish my husband wasn’t at work but I’m glad to be home, in bed with nothing that has to get done tonight, with my dog and some DVR’d shows to watch.

My Feelings are right and reasonable and don’t need to be justified

When we feel, why do we immediately try to justify those feelings?  It’s hard for me to be happy for friends who have announced they are expecting.  Immediately I feel sad and angry and hopeless.  Then, I feel ashamed that I’m feeling bad for myself and my husband and not feeling joy for my friends.  However, my feelings are my feelings and don’t need to be justified.  Of course I am going to feel sad and angry especially when after my friend told me she is 11 weeks pregnant and didn’t know until 6 days ago (WTF) and after I said congrats and asked if they have been trying for long her response was “no, I went off the pill a few months ago and it just happened”.

I feel like the Universe is punishing me right now and laughing in my face.  I’m on vacation, what is supposed to be much needed rest and relaxation to take my mind off of trying to conceive.  How does my vacation start?  I see a post on facebook of our friends announcing they are pregnant and the baby will arrive in March.  Immediate I feel sick for some reason.  I click on “like” anyways because I should be happy for them.  The guy next to me on the plane is very nice and extremely chatty.  It wasn’t too bad.  We had some good conversation.  Why wouldn’t a stranger on the plane want to know if you have kids?  “Do you have kids”?  My answer was a simple “no”.  He couldn’t ask what I do for a living?  Do I have pets?  What’s my favorite book?  I don’t know…something else.  What I wanted to say was “No, I do not have kids.  I suffered from an ectopic pregnancy a few months ago though and have been trying to get pregnant ever since.  It’s been over one year and a half now that we’ve been trying.  I’m on this plane right now to try and get away for a few days and not focus on the fact that I want kid(s) but can’t seem to have them currently, but thanks for asking.  Would you like to tell me about your kids now”?  Walking through the airport every women I see is pregnant.  My aunt and I go to lunch and we are seated next to two pregnant ladies and a small child.  Then our waitress (tiny little thing) decides for whatever reason to tell us that she is six months pregnant but you can’t tell (really, couldn’t tell).  Why did she decide to tell us that?  My eyes swell up with tears about to drip into my grilled vegetable salad (cuz you know, trying to eat super healthy).  After lunch I call my friend back after she texted me to call her and that’s when she tells me she’s pregnant.

What am I doing wrong?  Why can’t I get pregnant?  Why is it so easy for others?  Sometimes I even focus on the fact that I’m 20 pounds over weight right now (how did that happen?  binge eating..depression…oh well, I’ve had a tough year) and want to blame not getting pregnant on that.  Bull shit.  Obese women get pregnant just fine.  Whatever it is, I just hope one day we get pregnant and have a healthy and happy child.

– After I posted this I went to the spa for a massage and facial.  You’d never believe what I walked into immediately when entering the spa.  An aeriel hammock yoga class full of pregnant women was taking place.  Awesome.

Beep Beep Boop

I wasn’t sure what to call this post and when WordPress is thinking after you click on the +pencil to add a new post, the words “beep beep boop” show up.  So, that is the name of this post.  I was thinking it could be “Random Acts Of Kindness”  or “October Optimism” or “Just Another Day”, but those don’t really capture what I will be blogging about.  So, Beep Beep Boop it is!  Three words that really are just words and mean nothing.

The day started out lovely!  I woke early and got ready to head to Detroit for the Children’s Miracle Network Torch Relay.  I raised $200 for the 3 mile walk.  I drove through McDonald’s for a coffee and the girl at the window taking my money smiled at me and said “you have pretty eyes”.  How nice of her!  A random act of kindness.  I thanked her and hit the road.  What a nice feeling it is when someone gives you a compliment.  It’s a nice fall day out and I feel good.  I know that it’s 3 days away from when I can take a pregnancy test (at least 3 days until my period should be arriving).  I’ve been feeling EXTRA fat the past few days and my boobs have felt really large.  Knowing what it feels like being pregnant (from the ectopic) I’m thinking, maybe, just maybe, I’m pregnant now!  I got to meet a mom and young boy who are going on their Make A Wish trip next month after he is in remission from cancer after 6 rounds of chemo.  Listening to the story my eyes fill with tears.  Tears of sadness that him and his family had to go through this and tears of joy that he is better.  What a strong little boy.  There are no guarantees in life and you never know what kind of a card you will be dealt but it would be a shame to just constantly think of all of the bad that happens.  So, you try to stay positive and hopeful, right?  I’m big on random acts of kindness myself and try to practice every day.  Being in HR and hospitality it seems to come easily and naturally.  I know it makes me feel good when someone does or says something nice to me so I like to be sure to do this as much as I can.

During the walk I kept thinking about how my body is feeling and that it’s quite possible I could be pregnant.  We did everything right in September to create the best chance of conceiving.  I’m also thinking about my stomach, my huge fat stomach and my huge arms and thighs.  After the walk was over I went to the bathroom and there was a full length mirror right in front of me that I could not avoid while I was waiting in line.  I looked quickly with disgust and just looked away.  On the drive home I had to stop into Costco to get a few necessities for the house.  As soon as I parked I checked my ovulation/pregnancy app on my phone and confirmed that it should be 3 days until my next period.  Suddenly I felt very optimistic.  Or maybe I just felt like something good would come out of feeling extra fat lately.  I decided to stop at Target by the house on my way home to purchase pregnancy tests.  I bought 2 boxes (5 tests total) thinking if I take it today and it’s negative I’ll have plenty to take it again in 3 days.  I’ve also been a little nervous about the timing because I am flying to AZ on Thursday for a long weekend to just get away and relax.  Actually my husband and I were supposed to go in February but we had to cancel the trip because I was not allowed to fly during the termination of the ectopic.  Luckily, after several phone calls and emails back and forth, I was able to get a voucher for the money we spent on the flights since I was unable to fly due to a medical reason (the risk of my tube rupturing).  So, I’m going solo but staying with family and visiting friends.  I have a massage and a facial booked too.  Can’t wait!  Anyway, I’ve been nervous the past few weeks thinking, oh no, what if I am pregnant and it’s ectopic again and I’m getting on a plane!?  I purchase the tests and I was envisioning in my head it being positive and getting to call my husband to tell him the news!  I open the box (darn plastic wrap, why are you being difficult!?) and take out a test.  I rip that open and get ready to sit down and pee.  As soon as I pull my yoga pants and underwear down I see bright red blood on my white cotton undies.  No need to take the test.  Disappointment hits me like a punch in the gut.  At least I can fly now and not worry about a medical issue occurring.  Beep Beep Boop…

Do You Remember Dancing In September?

I love September.  It’s the beginning of fall, my favorite season (comfy jeans, baggy sweatshirts and decorative scarves, oh my)!  Brisk bike rides with my dog.  The leaves on the trees are changing into vibrant colors.  The smell in the air.  Pumpkin muffins and drinks.  It’s my husbands birthday month too.  This September is a little sad for me though.  It’s also the month that our baby would have been born.

We were trying to get pregnant for months.  I had an HSG test done to make sure my tubes were nice and open and my husband was checked out too.  We wanted to be sure to do everything in advance before our journey because we are in our late 30’s and my sister suffered 3 miscarriages (she now has two beautiful smart & healthy kids).  It’s a shame how some people get pregnant so easily or “by mistake”.  I’ll never understand how someone gets pregnant by mistake.  Never.  When we weren’t getting pregnant at first my sister gave me a lot of advice and actually told me what to get tested for (vs an actual doctor).  Turns out I carry the MTHFR gene mutation just like she does.  There is research that the gene could cause infertility.  Most say you have to have more than one copy of it though.  She told me to take prescription folic acid and a baby aspirin along with a prenatal vitamin.  Did my doctor suggest this?  No.  The woman who went through hell trying to become a mom told me this.  Does it help?  Supposedly.  At least my doctor agreed when I suggested it to him.  More recent studies show that people with MTHFR don’t process Folgard the way the body should.  So now I’m taking Metanx which is a natural form of folic acid.  Maybe that will help.  Who knows.

We did everything right.  Had sex during prime ovulation time.  Month after month when my period arrived and/or the pregnancy test was negative, we became disappointed but remained optimistic.  After the 6th month of trying we should have received more medical help since I’m over 35.  The doctor said just keep trying.  In January (my birthday month) I took a test and it was positive!  I actually took the test in a Meijer bathroom immediately after I bought it because I couldn’t wait to get home (and I was on my way to a friends baby shower).  POSITIVE!!  We are PREGNANT!  After telling my husband I told my sister immediately.  She told me to get blood work done to check my beta levels.  I did that.  And they were low, along with my progesterone levels.  The doctor office gave me some vaginal inserts for progesterone.  I asked that my initial first appointment be earlier than “normal” because of my fear of something going wrong after what my sister went through.  They went ahead and scheduled it.

January 17th.  A Friday.  We had the appointment.  The lady checking us in and taking my weight had a rude tone to her voice saying “you’re here early” after I answered her question of how far along I was.  Screw you bitch.  You may see a lot of pregnant people in here but if I want to come in at (what we think was) 5 weeks and my doctor allowed this appointment, shut your mouth and just do your job.

The doctor comes in.  Probing around in there.  Not seeing anything.  Sees something that possibly could be the sac but thinks maybe it’s just too early.  He sends me to the hospital for a more thorough look.  We get to the hospital and this lady was so nice.  She made me feel a little more comfortable but I could tell something was wrong.  She was in there for what seemed to be hours.  Moving that thing around all over the place.  Saying she had to make a call and have someone else look at it.  Can’t be good news.  And, it wasn’t.  My doctor was already on a plane to Florida to visit his brother so they had to call the doctor on call.  She told me that there could be a few scenarios of options and most likely this is an ectopic pregnancy.  This was over the phone.  Perhaps trying to keep us hopeful, we were instructed to go to the ER on Sunday for another ultrasound.  We didn’t quite understand this, but whatever.  I started the day thinking it was just going to be a morning appointment and I would go into work after.  I had to call off to my boss, 1.5 months after my start date.  Ugh.  At this point I’m thinking why go to the ER on Sunday?  Is this going to cost us a fortune?  Why can’t someone tell me something more concrete now?  Because it’s too early?

Saturday morning I wake up to go to the bathroom and all I feel and see is blood.  I quickly cry out for my husband.  Am I having a miscarriage?  Frightened and worried, we contact my sister.  She is just as upset if not more than we are.  All the pain she has been through and now she feels that pain for her baby sister.  I could hear it in her voice.  We got off the phone and immediately headed to the ER.

It’s an ectopic.  It needs to be terminated.  It’s life-threatening to me.  We have two choices.  Get a shot of methotrexate and the termination takes its course for about two weeks (so they said).  Or, I have surgery to have it removed but then my tube would be damaged and make it harder to have a baby later on.  We chose the shot.  To make a long story short from here, I bled for 8.5 weeks.  I had to have a second shot one week after the first shot because my beta number wasn’t going down enough.  What I thought would be 2 weeks of bleeding and suffering turned into 8.5 weeks.  I didn’t sign up for that!  But looking at the positive side, at least I didn’t have to have surgery and my left tube is still “ok”.  That baby was one tough cookie trying to hang on.  I had to get blood drawn weekly.  The first blood draw after the initial methotrexate shot I had to go to the hospital versus the doctor’s office.  The lady at the desk was giving me a hard time because my license had 4 names on it (my first, middle, maiden last name and married last name) but on their records it just had my first and married last name.  That IS my name.  I chose to keep all of my names though legally.  Really?  This is a problem?  After I burst out into tears and I explain to her the simplicity to this whole thing that she thinks is an issue, she finally admits she is wrong.  I never got an apology though.  I’m dismissed to join the phlebotomist to get my blood drawn.  She takes one look at my arm and says “do you get your blood drawn a lot”?  I’m assuming she asks this question because I have several bruises there from blood work and an IV.  I respond by saying “I was in the hospital for an ectopic pregnancy which I have now and have been poked a lot”.  She then says “congratulations”.  I had to tell her what an ectopic pregnancy was and that she should not be congratulating me.  Then she asks, “so you can’t have the baby”?  I think it’s clear that sensitivity training needs to take place in that hopsital for all of their staff.  Sensitivity and common f**king sense and knowledge training.

It’s been known to happen that a woman doesn’t get her period until 6 months after an ectopic.  I was lucky enough to get it in April after my beta number was finally 0 (actually 1).  We had to wait a few cycles until we could try again.  So we are spending money on metanx, prenantal vitamins, baby aspirin, ovulation tests, etc.  Making sure to hit the right days when we should be able to get pregnant.  Knowing there is only a 20% chance of getting pregnant during the time you can get pregnant isn’t very encouraging.  Again, I’ll never understand how someone gets pregnant “by mistake” or “by accident”.  As of right now, we are not pregnant.  Perhaps in October my period won’t arrive and maybe we will be.  Fingers crossed.  There is a higher percent chance that we will have another ectopic though since we’ve already had one.  And, with my age, downs syndrome is a higher possibility.

We’ve since gone to a new doctor recently.  The father of a friend.  He listened and gave good advice.  We felt a connection with him which is needed during this difficult time.  He actually joked that we were spending money on ovulation tests when he’d give us a free one – a piece of paper!  It does turn our that perhaps we weren’t starting to have sex as soon as we should have been during the ovulation time frame.  I know for a fact though which day we got pregnant in December for the January positive result because it just so happened we only had sex on one day during that time frame.  This doctor doesn’t deliver babies anymore though so we’ll have to figure all that out once we are pregnant.  Will we have my files sent to him and go to him instead?  Who will delivery the baby if it comes to that?

If you read my blog titled “Strong Energy” you know I went to see a medium.  One of the things she did say was that my late father in law has that baby with him and to think spring.  Meaning maybe spring time is a good time to get pregnant?  Not sure.  We’ll see.  I believe everything else that happened during that session.  I’m hoping the pregnancy happens sooner than that, but if spring is the time then spring is the time.

While I haven’t let the loss of our child put a stop to my life, I haven’t felt like dancing and enjoying this month as much as I usually do.

“The bell was ringing, our souls were singing”.  Hopefully next September I’ll feel like dancing more.

Self-Sabotage

My weight has fluctuated up and down my entire life, totaling 141 pounds.  Wow.  Just did the math from when I was a teenager and became so obsessed with not eating (very limited) resulting in a 27 pound weight loss taking me down to 97 pounds, to today, including the several times I was up and down.  That doesn’t count a few pounds up and down here and there.  And to think there are some people who have never had problems with their weight or just have a great metabolism and are naturally skinny.  Why can’t I be one of those people?  I’ve lost weight on Jenny Craig and on Weight Watchers (not the first time as a teen – that was just really unhealthy).  I know what my happy weight is (at least the magic number on the scale) but yet I seem to always “let myself go”.  I sabotage myself.  I know what I’m doing and I know how to fix it, but I don’t.  I binge eat and drink.  Everything in my life is good.  Great husband, beautiful home, awesome job, dear friends and family and the best doggy and two cats in the world…but I have this one stupid thing that I could do without.  Then again, can I do without it?  Is this what an addiction to something is like?  I let this stupid eating disorder and body image disorder rule my life.  I take medication for depression yet that doesn’t always seem to help.  My thoughts are CONSTANTLY on my body and how fat it is.  I think about the fat hanging over my pants and my thighs spreading out in the chair I’m sitting in and my arm fat bulging out of my tops where the tops fit the rest of me just fine.  When I’m doing yoga and trying to meditate I’m thinking about my fat.  I am envious of women who truly are happy with their bodies when they have a few extra pounds on them.  I’d like to think that I can be that person – comfortable in my own skin no matter what – but I’m not.  I’m not comfortable in my own skin when I’m overweight.  I finally realized that most people aren’t looking at me thinking what I’m thinking about myself.  It probably doesn’t cross their mind when looking at me that I’m “fat”.  They look at me for me.  But when I look at me (pictures recently) I don’t see me.  I don’t know who that body belongs to.  I let the hatred towards my body define me.  Why?  Funny thing is too, when I’m “skinny” I still don’t like to “show off” my body.  I don’t wear shorts.  Period.  When I’m “fat”, I think, man, I should have worn shorts and other things that skinny girls can wear.  Oh what I’d do to be able to be skinny and wear those things now.  I have an awesome wardrobe.  In so many sizes (0 to 8). I know it’s really bad when I start wearing the same things over and over again just because they are comfortable and I feel those clothes also help hide my fat.  It’s too bad really.  All those cute clothes going to waste.  I also feel that I don’t dress myself up to look nice either.  I feel like a frump.

Feeling like this also doesn’t help while my husband and I are trying to get pregnant.  After suffering an ectopic pregnancy I feel like I’ve been sabotaging myself more since the termination.  Termination.  Sounds horrible.  I know the baby couldn’t survive, but there still was a baby growing inside of me.  When perhaps I should have been treating my body like a temple after that loss, I started treating it worse.  Like I’m punishing myself.  I have feelings of hopelessness about becoming a mom and my husband becoming a dad.  I used to say that I didn’t want children.  Honestly I think I said that before because I couldn’t imagine being pregnant and being fat and gaining weight.  How stupid is that?  Still, that’s what I think.  I also didn’t know my husband back then and finding him, the one person on this earth made for me, I believe that also changed my thoughts on having a child.  I want nothing more than to be a mom and a parent to a healthy baby with my husband.

Every week I come up with a new plan.  I’m going to do this and not that.  I’m going to eat only fruit and veggies.  I’m going to exercise like crazy.  Then I slip.  I let one small slip turn into a huge slip.  Then try to start all over again.  A healthy moderation of everything would be great.  I’ve been there at some points in my life and want to get there again.  The stress and obsession of trying to get pregnant probably doesn’t help.  The worst part is when people say “just relax”.  Are you kidding me?

Strong Energy

I had an appointment with a Medium this morning.  The experience left me in awe, happy and at peace.  Before I went to see her I didn’t have too strong of a feeling one way or the other if someone who passed could actually communicate with this world, but the feeling always did lean more towards me believing that they could.  Today solidified that.  I spent one glorious hour with my husband’s father who passed two months ago.  It started when she asked me to hold the amethyst stone she handed me.  It was in my hand for what seemed to be just a few seconds, and my palms were sweating.  I felt embarrassed when she asked for me to pass the stone back to her and I apologized for it being hot and sweaty.  Turns out, I wasn’t to be embarrassed at all.  That meant there was a strong energy in the room. She started by telling me to cut the tarot card deck in as many piles as I’d like.  With my favorite number being 11 that is what I intended to do.  Cut it in 11 piles.  Could you imagine if my favorite number was 194?  That wouldn’t have worked.  So 11 piles it was.  As I was doing this she said “they are laughing at you right now”.  They, being the spirit(s) in the room.  I had to pick one pile for her to start with.  As soon as I picked that and she placed the cards back into one deck with the pile I picked on top, she said “there is a song running through my head and I’m trying to decipher if you like this song, hate this song or don’t even care about this song and it’s Taylor Swift’s song, Shake It Off”.  OMG!  This song has been in my head for days.  I even shared with my coworkers the other morning at our meeting that it’s been stuck in my head and sang it to them.  It’s super catchy and I just love it!  Ha!  The Spirit was telling me that they hear me and they love that song too.  There is a message in this song that if something is bothering you, just shake it off.  I went to the appointment hoping to connect with my husband’s dad and this makes sense.  He’s shaking of the past years he suffered with MS and is now moving about and having fun. She then mentions that someone to my left is highly opinionated and wants her to pull 7 cards.  (Normally she pulls less, I forget the number). Another sign to me, without her knowing still, that it’s HD (husband’s dad).  He passed away on 7/7/14.  While I recorded the session, I wish I took pictures of the cards.  The Ace of something is what she talked about first.  This love – between me and my husband, was hard fought.  She said we must really want this and asked if that made sense to me.  It’s the highest love card in the whole deck and said that if there is something that we both want so badly and fight for it, it will be ours until the day we take our last breath.  It also means that what we’ve been through hasn’t been easy either. She said that we have a love that people are jealous of.

The medium at this point doesn’t know who the spirit is.  She asks if my dad is still with us.  I reply yes.  Then she asks about my mother.  I say yes.  I then say that HD is no longer with us.  Should I have said that at all?  Am I supposed to lead her to who I want to talk with today?  Do I believe it’s him here with me now?  Well, the answer is yes.  Although those thoughts were going through my mind, what happens throughout the entire session proves that it was HD, to my left, communicating with me.  She says “there is a dad over there and this is the mourning card”.  I mentioned the fact that he passed away on 7/7/14 and perhaps that is why he wanted 7 cards to be drawn.  She then asks if HD’s wife (husband’s mom) misses her husband.  At first I’m thinking, what kind of a question is that!?  But, then again, there are situations where a spouse may not miss or love the other spouse.  A Queen card was drawn and that signified that the mom and dad are still in love and that doesn’t get broken when someone passes. It also bounced off of the mourning card.  My husband’s parents did love one other very much.  They still do.  She always refers to him as her one and only and wishes they had more time together. The medium then asked the spirit if he was the one who brought up the song Shake It Off.  Yes!  He’s having a great time dancing all around and may not be the best at it.  If you watch Taylor Swift’s music video to that song, she just does her thing even though she’s not a great dancer.  He said “I’m learning how to do stuff”.  That means he is going to play with all of my (our) senses.  Sight, sound, hearing, touch.  The easiest way for us to recognize him is through our senses.  He was so limited with what he could do living with MS that he is now waving his arms and dancing around!   Later in the session she did mention that most spirits pick one way to connect versus every way.  I think HD can’t pick one way right now because he is having so much fun using all of his senses that he couldn’t enjoy for the past few years of his life.  Good for him!

So many more positive things happened during this session that all make sense.  I have the recording of it so I can listen back from time to time.  I’ve been thinking about starting a blog for a bit now and today seemed like the right time after my appointment with a medium.  My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for 17 months.  We suffered an ectopic pregnancy and the baby would be arriving this week.  This is part of the reason I wanted to try and connect with his dad.  To get to know him better (since unfortunately I never got to know him when he was healthy) and to help with the grieving process of losing him and also our baby.  I’m thankful that I got to spend time with him today and that it helped me to begin this blog.  I’ve talked openly about our loss and have been told by others that I have helped them through difficulties also.  I hope that I can assist others through their journey of infertility and loss.