Beep Beep Boop

I wasn’t sure what to call this post and when WordPress is thinking after you click on the +pencil to add a new post, the words “beep beep boop” show up.  So, that is the name of this post.  I was thinking it could be “Random Acts Of Kindness”  or “October Optimism” or “Just Another Day”, but those don’t really capture what I will be blogging about.  So, Beep Beep Boop it is!  Three words that really are just words and mean nothing.

The day started out lovely!  I woke early and got ready to head to Detroit for the Children’s Miracle Network Torch Relay.  I raised $200 for the 3 mile walk.  I drove through McDonald’s for a coffee and the girl at the window taking my money smiled at me and said “you have pretty eyes”.  How nice of her!  A random act of kindness.  I thanked her and hit the road.  What a nice feeling it is when someone gives you a compliment.  It’s a nice fall day out and I feel good.  I know that it’s 3 days away from when I can take a pregnancy test (at least 3 days until my period should be arriving).  I’ve been feeling EXTRA fat the past few days and my boobs have felt really large.  Knowing what it feels like being pregnant (from the ectopic) I’m thinking, maybe, just maybe, I’m pregnant now!  I got to meet a mom and young boy who are going on their Make A Wish trip next month after he is in remission from cancer after 6 rounds of chemo.  Listening to the story my eyes fill with tears.  Tears of sadness that him and his family had to go through this and tears of joy that he is better.  What a strong little boy.  There are no guarantees in life and you never know what kind of a card you will be dealt but it would be a shame to just constantly think of all of the bad that happens.  So, you try to stay positive and hopeful, right?  I’m big on random acts of kindness myself and try to practice every day.  Being in HR and hospitality it seems to come easily and naturally.  I know it makes me feel good when someone does or says something nice to me so I like to be sure to do this as much as I can.

During the walk I kept thinking about how my body is feeling and that it’s quite possible I could be pregnant.  We did everything right in September to create the best chance of conceiving.  I’m also thinking about my stomach, my huge fat stomach and my huge arms and thighs.  After the walk was over I went to the bathroom and there was a full length mirror right in front of me that I could not avoid while I was waiting in line.  I looked quickly with disgust and just looked away.  On the drive home I had to stop into Costco to get a few necessities for the house.  As soon as I parked I checked my ovulation/pregnancy app on my phone and confirmed that it should be 3 days until my next period.  Suddenly I felt very optimistic.  Or maybe I just felt like something good would come out of feeling extra fat lately.  I decided to stop at Target by the house on my way home to purchase pregnancy tests.  I bought 2 boxes (5 tests total) thinking if I take it today and it’s negative I’ll have plenty to take it again in 3 days.  I’ve also been a little nervous about the timing because I am flying to AZ on Thursday for a long weekend to just get away and relax.  Actually my husband and I were supposed to go in February but we had to cancel the trip because I was not allowed to fly during the termination of the ectopic.  Luckily, after several phone calls and emails back and forth, I was able to get a voucher for the money we spent on the flights since I was unable to fly due to a medical reason (the risk of my tube rupturing).  So, I’m going solo but staying with family and visiting friends.  I have a massage and a facial booked too.  Can’t wait!  Anyway, I’ve been nervous the past few weeks thinking, oh no, what if I am pregnant and it’s ectopic again and I’m getting on a plane!?  I purchase the tests and I was envisioning in my head it being positive and getting to call my husband to tell him the news!  I open the box (darn plastic wrap, why are you being difficult!?) and take out a test.  I rip that open and get ready to sit down and pee.  As soon as I pull my yoga pants and underwear down I see bright red blood on my white cotton undies.  No need to take the test.  Disappointment hits me like a punch in the gut.  At least I can fly now and not worry about a medical issue occurring.  Beep Beep Boop…

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2 thoughts on “Beep Beep Boop

  1. Jennie says:

    Its so frustrating when things do not work out. After 4+ years, every month of things not working is still tough. I hope you have a nice trip and future months bring better news.

    Like

    • Thanks Jennie. I am sorry that you have been going through this for 4+ years. I am going to take some of your nutritional advice! I hope future months bring better news for you too. All we can do is keep our chins up and keep trying, right?! Smiles 🙂

      Like

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