Tag Archives: bartholin cyst

Where is my Holiday Cheer?

It’s that time of year.  Thanksgiving has passed.  While I’m full of gratitude for a lot of things (my husband, our dog whom we consider our daughter, our cats, our home, our jobs and our wonderful family and friends), it’s hard to feel any sort of holiday cheer right now.  Now, it’s onto Christmas and Hanukkah and all the shopping that comes with it.  I have no desire.  None.  I walk into a store and walk right out (thank goodness for online shopping).  I’ve even asked my husband if it’s ok if we not put the tree up this year because it’s such a hassle.  He seems ok with that.  While the holidays are full of presents (it’s totally fun to open presents and get new things), it should be more about spending quality time with the ones you love.  That’s what I keep telling myself when I don’t feel like shopping and buying gifts.  I think the problem is, I’d rather be buying baby things for us, hoping that we were pregnant.  I constantly see families with kids doing fun holiday traditions together.  Tree lightings.  Polar Express rides.  Reindeer petting farms.  Elf on a Shelf.  Whatever.  We have fun doing those things together and possibly with our dog (if dogs are allowed) but it’s not the same when you wish you had a child of your own.  We also have an adorable niece and nephew that we constantly see pics of that fill our hearts with love (we don’t get to see them too often) but I still feel sad watching them, knowing we don’t have any kids of our own.  My husband and I took our dog for a walk today and talked a little bit about this…how long to keep trying and what is next.  We pretty much decided to keep doing what we are doing through the winter and then we look into more options.  We also are ok with deciding, if it comes to that, to stop trying and live a life full of love together.  We are in this situation due to our age.  If we were younger, I don’t think we’d worry so much, or even talk yet about what if we don’t have children.  We are doing everything right.  It doesn’t make sense that we aren’t pregnant yet and it’s just not fair.  I also have another cyst on my vagina.  Luckily it’s not on my labia like last time so it doesn’t hurt as bad and warm compresses seem to help.  It’s still just not fair.  Why is this happening to me?  Why am I always in discomfort and not getting pregnant in the process?

A lot of days when I’m alone I find myself feeling depressed or bored or wondering what to do with myself.  I’m sad.  I want to find joy in the small things but it’s hard.  Every time I look at a picture of someone’s kid I wonder what our kid would look like.  Would our kid smile so big and giggle like that?  Or is that just a dream?  Then, there are possibilities that something could go wrong in pregnancy and that is scary too.  After all the disappointment we’ve been through, could we handle a challenge if we were to get pregnant and something was wrong?

I just want to stop feeling sad and defeated and disappointed all of the time.  I think I’ll only find that joy and “holiday cheer” back if I were to become pregnant (a healthy pregnancy please).  I don’t want to feel sad all of the time either, so how do I get over that if I never do get pregnant?

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Can’t catch a break

Ever hear of a bartholin cyst?  I haven’t until today.  Earlier in the week I noticed something felt a little off when I wiped after peeing.  I took a quick look and didn’t really see anything.  This kept going on for a few days when suddenly it hurt a bit more.  I took a closer look and there seemed to be a bump on my right labia.  I had my husband look at it and we both figured it was probably just a zit or something in an odd spot.  This has happened to me once or twice before in my life.  The pain got worse and the bump got bigger and harder.  I felt discomfort when I walked and the area was very irritated.  Yesterday it was bigger than ever and really hard.  I googled zit on labia and found a few things regarding zits and cysts.  Suggestions were to take a soak, use baking soda and that eventually it would heal on it’s own.  I couldn’t imagine this huge sucker healing on it’s own.  Today I was in so much pain.  I took a baking soda bath and had my husband look at it again.  He was shocked at the size of it.  In so much pain I decided to call the answering service to my OBGYN’s office.  They got my doctor on the phone and after describing it to him he said it sounds like a bartholin cyst and said they are common and getting it drained is a must.  He suggested I go to the ER (since it’s Sunday) or I can wait to call the office in the morning and get an appointment at one of the 3 offices in the area for tomorrow.  Knowing I have to process payroll tomorrow for over 150 associates, I chose to head to the ER to get this taken care of.  As I checked in with the nurse and told her what I was there for, she asked how do I know?  Explained the conversation I had with my doctor and she seemed to agree.  She immediately showed empathy.  God, this f*cking hurts.  Maybe she’s had one before?  Or maybe she just knows how much it hurts from patients who have had this.  The lady who took my blood pressure gave me a sad face look too, like, “oh honey, I know you must be in a lot of pain”.  Then she said, “oh, those are from shaving”.  I did read that on one of the several links I pulled up on the internet but I don’t put a razor on my labia!  Who does?  There isn’t even hair there.  Sure I shave my bikini line but wouldn’t the cyst develop there then?  I chat with her as she walks me to room 49 and mentioned last time I was here was for methotrexate for an ectopic pregnancy.  She said she would pray for me.  That was nice of her.  I was just chatting saying this really sucks and it hurts a lot and if it’s not one thing it’s another since our journey to become parents.  We get to room 49 and someone is in there.  She then says, “oh, an ambulance must have arrived with a patient” (so it didn’t show in the system?).  I followed her through the area where doctors are and she asked me to wait there.  I hear the medics asking the patient in room 49 if she has a history of cutting herself.  That reminds me that my life isn’t all that bad and I felt sorry for the patient in that room.  She gets me into room 45.  I take my pants off and get comfy, turn on the TV and watch an episode of House Hunters Renovation on HGTV.

My husband and I just drove back from a 3 hour drive after visiting family.  He had to go to work so I drove myself to the ER.  I wish he could have been with me.  Finally the doctor came in and took a look.  He confirmed it was a bartholin cyst.  I asked my many questions.  How is this caused?  Is this common?  Now that it’s happened to me is it likely to continue to return (something I read online)?  Do I have to take antibiotics (because I don’t want to with actively trying for a baby)?  Can I still have sex, since we are trying for a baby?  You are going to insert a small catheter?  Will it hurt?  How long will it stay in?  Can you take a blood test to see if I’m pregnant now even though I took a home pregnancy test yesterday and it was negative?  You want to give me pain meds?  I don’t want them because I could possibly be pregnant.  Ugh.  So many questions and I feel defeated.  Another shitty thing is happening to me.  To us.  In the process of wanting to become pregnant.

They were very nice to me and explained everything.  There is no real cause.  The gland just gets blocked somehow and a cyst forms.  Mine was the size of a large cashew and was definitely infected.  They occur and sometimes people don’t even know they are there and they go away on their own.  Not me!  Mr. Cashew wanted to be seen and felt.  The bright side?  It wasn’t the size of a golf ball or larger which could happen.  I asked for something to squeeze before they put a f*cking needle into my labia.  I was handed a wad of gauze.  Before this happened I heard ambulance patient screaming things like “get away from me”…blah blah.  I reminded myself again that I don’t have it so bad.  Once the gauze was in hand and she told me she was ready to begin I felt the worst pain ever.  She poked me 4 or more times with a needle in my right labia to numb it.  Now I was that patient in the other room but I screamed “F*CK and JESUS CHRIST” more than once while practically lifting my pelvic to the ceiling wanting to jump off the bed.  They leave me be for a bit to let the numbing take place.  I’m glad I didn’t have mascara on or I would have walked out of there looking like Alice Cooper.  Then, there is a knock on the door from the hallway (not the area the doctor comes in from).  It’s a lady looking for her mother’s slippers.  Really!?  I replied that someone is in here and there are no slippers.  She then asked if I was dressed/covered.  I replied yes.  She walked right in, all smiles, saying sorry and looked for slippers.  Not there.  Seriously?  See you later a**hole.

Once they were down there attempting to put the word catheter in, I didn’t feel a thing.  Thank God.  They claimed it would just take one second though.  Before they started they did ask me again if I was sure I didn’t want any pain medicine.  I declined in case I was pregnant and they wouldn’t do a blood test to see if I was, saying it was too soon and it wouldn’t show since my last period was 10/5.  I said no medicine.  Plus I drove myself.  I was advised to take some tylenol.  Ok, that I can do.  So, one second was more like 5 minutes (watching the clock).  Again, thank God I can’t feel anything.  Turns out that my cyst wasn’t big enough to take the word catheter.  It didn’t want to stay in.  I guess that’s a plus!?  At least I would not have to go back to doctor’s office to get it removed in a week or so.  They stuffed it with gauze and said it’ll fall out on it’s own or I can remove it myself tomorrow.  In the mean time keep it dry and no hot yoga for a day or so (darn it..that’s my happy place at 6pm on Mondays).

It now just stings.  A lot.  I’m afraid to look at it or go to the bathroom.  I’m so uncomfortable but I feel like I’m probably not as uncomfortable as I was with a blood and puss filled cyst on my labia.  I’ll have to wait and see what I feel like tomorrow.  I wish my husband wasn’t at work but I’m glad to be home, in bed with nothing that has to get done tonight, with my dog and some DVR’d shows to watch.

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