Tag Archives: life after an ectopic pregnancy

Am I being punished?

I found the love of my life, after a first marriage and a lot of mistakes.  With having trouble conceiving I often think that I should just be happy with the life we have together, without children.  I know that both of us would be happy together no matter what.  We know a lot of couples who have struggles and who may not love each other the way that we love each other.  I’m thankful that I can say that I know what true love is.  If we don’t have a baby, I know we’ll be fine and live a rich life full of love for one another.  I can’t help but think that somehow I’m being punished though.  Through my battles of eating disorders and what I consider to be selfishness now (didn’t then), and say I didn’t want children (probably because I never found the right person to have children with until I met my husband), I tend to think that this is my punishment.  I have everything I’d ever want in a partner and soulmate and the universe is telling me I can’t have it all.

It just doesn’t seem fair.  Others have babies all the time without a problem.  Or, without having to go through several doctor appointments and drugs and special timing to have sex.  I’ve done my fair share of over-drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes and I feel like maybe that is why this is happening?  But then I think about crack whores who get pregnant and friends who chain smoked daily for years and years and they got pregnant.  I have a friend who smoked throughout her pregnancies (2) and her kids are amazingly perfect.  So why me, now?  Why do I have to think about my past, my 20’s, having fun, and think that perhaps those years affected me now – wanting to have a child with the man I love.  I now do everything that I need to do to be healthy, yet I’m overweight.  I like to try and blame it on the clomid but I’m sure that’s not it.  People who know me may say I’m not overweight, but I definitely am.  I can’t even lose a few pounds.  I can’t do anything right.  I remember my sister telling me this after she suffered from one (of 3) of her miscarriages.  She was trying to lose a few pounds and felt like she couldn’t even make that happen and felt like a failure (she’s tiny by the way) all the way around.  I tend to tell myself that I’ve been through a lot the past year, so big deal I’m a little overweight.  But then I think, if I was at the perfect weight maybe I wouldn’t have trouble conceiving.  Then again, there is an issue with my husband too and the shape of his sperm.  So I know it’s not just me, but I want to blame it on just me.  I also know people who are severely overweight and they have a ton of healthy children also.

Something my doctor said the other day has stuck with me.  After she explained that it seems perhaps I’m not ovulating and we should see a fertility specialist, I asked her how did I get pregnant once (ectopic) if I don’t ovulate?  She said maybe I got lucky.  Maybe I got lucky!?  I would prefer that we didn’t get pregnant at all.  Maybe I would have found out earlier that I don’t ovulate.  But I took ovulation tests before and they said I was ovulating (time to have sex).  So how can that be?  I found that pregnancy tests don’t lie.  I got one positive one before with the ectopic and I have never gotten a positive one again.  So do the ovulation tests lie?  Or, it’s that I ovulate “late” or something like that.  And, if I were to have gotten lucky that one time, why didn’t it result in a pregnancy that could come to term?

We have had names picked out for a long time.  It sucks when others we know are having babies right and left and perhaps they “stole” our baby name (which is impossible because we’ve only told a few close family members).  I know in the grand scheme of everything, it doesn’t matter if someone we know used the same name that we want that means so much to us.  But it disappoints me knowing that it may be years until we can possibly conceive and have a healthy baby and perhaps we will pick another name by then.  That makes me sad.  I want a baby now and I want to give the baby the name that we want.  I feel like that will never happen.

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It’s been one year

One year ago today we were informed that our first pregnancy was ectopic and I was injected with a shot of methotrexate.  The worst day of my life.  One year later, it doesn’t hurt any less.  We try every month to conceive (and now with the help of clomid) and come up disappointed over and over again.  I feel a punch to my gut every time I see an announcement that a friend is expecting or a baby was just born.  Actually a friend and her husband were told that they would not be able to conceive without the help of IVF (both having some sort of a problem) and a few weeks later she took a test and is pregnant.  While I’m happy for them I can’t help but think why can’t that be us?  We’ve been trying longer and have gone through so much heartache already.  I also hope that it is a healthy pregnancy too and they don’t find out at their first appointment next week that it’s ectopic.

My husband got me the greatest gift for my birthday a few weeks ago.  It’s actually being made and sized so we don’t have it yet.  It’s an eternity ring to stack on top of my wedding band filled with diamonds and sapphires.  Sapphires are the birthstone for September and that is when our baby would have been due.  It’s also my husband’s birth month.

I had plans for today – clean the house and organize a few things- but I can’t seem to get out of bed.  I want to just lay in the dark and hopefully fall asleep all day long so I don’t hear my thoughts of sadness and loss of hope.  I think I can allow myself to do that.  Chores can wait and tomorrow is a new day.

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Clomid (Changing Body, Changing Habits and other stuff)

I just finished my 3rd cycle of clomid.  In November I was prescribed 50mg.  Didn’t work.  In December I was prescribed 150mg.  Didn’t work.  In January I was prescribed 100mg.  Didn’t work.  Why did we go down 50mg this month?  Because I was miserable and also had false hope that I was pregnant.  In December I felt like I was in someone else’s body.  My boobs and nipples hurt so bad.  I was fat and bloated all the time and very fatigued.  Since I’ve felt actual pregnancy symptoms before with the ectopic pregnancy, I really thought maybe I was pregnant due to the way I was feeling.  I have a choice at any point in time to stop the clomid.  I just don’t know yet if I want to do that even though I feel like shit on it.

I wish I wasn’t a little bit overweight right now.  I always feel like maybe that would make a difference or help me feel better during this difficult journey of trying to conceive.  It’s my own fault.  I treated my body poorly and didn’t exercise as much the past year after the pregnancy loss.  I’m finally in a place (one year later) that I’m determined to get back to feeling better about myself.  I’ve made healthy changes.  Trying to kick my diet coke habit and limiting caffeine (coffee, yum).  Focusing on the average of 10,000 steps a day (which is sometimes not easy when I have a busy day at work stuck at my desk)!  I’ve been very consistent with hot yoga since the end of June, but that alone has proven to really not do much for me (but give me gratitude, peace, mindfulness, calmness and flexibility – which helps during baby making sessions, ha) in the weight loss area.

What I find frustrating is that those of us having difficulty have to worry about all this stuff.  How much do we weigh?  Do we eat healthy?  Do we drink caffeine?  Do we exercise?  There are SO MANY women out there who are drug addicts, overweight and have a horrible diet that get pregnant.  What about someone who is not fit to be a parent?  Again, so frustrating.

I’ve been taking prenatal vitamins forever along with Metanx which is the natural form of Folgard (folic acid).  It smells and tastes like ass.  I have to take it because of the MTHFR gene mutation I have.  We don’t process Folgard properly so we need the natural form.  I used to not take vitamins at all because they made me feel weird.  But now, I’ve been taking them for over one year because I want to have a baby.  When I took a vitamin before and trying to maintain my weight, I felt that I gained weight while taking vitamins.  I know, weird.  But I swear there is something to that.  Weight gain since I’ve taken vitamins.  But it’s not all about being “skinny” I suppose.  I’m doing this for a reason but there is a part of me that just wants to stop taking all of this shit and get my body back.

At least once a year I like to color my hair just for something fun and new.  Usually I do the 28 day shampoo wash out colors and go for red (I’m light brown naturally).  In December I had the desire to change my hair and really wanted to go lighter (blondish).  I made sure to ask my doctor about coloring hair while trying to get pregnant.  He said that it’s OK to do during the first 2 weeks of my cycle.  I had an appointment booked before Christmas but had to cancel it due to the fact that I COULD have been pregnant and didn’t know it yet.  I booked it for my birthday instead because by that time I would know if I was pregnant or not.  Since unfortunately I was not pregnant, I was able to keep my birthday hair appointment.  I decided (with my stylist) on balyage highlights because my natural roots are kept, along with my natural hair color underneath.  The blond, painted on highlights would be on top but not all the way to the roots.  This way, if I do become pregnant, it won’t look horrible growing out.  Do I like it?  It’s OK.  I have to get used to it.  But I wanted and change and a change I got!  If I don’t get pregnant in a few months I may just go full on blond!

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Sexy Time Isn’t So Sexy Anymore

Sex is supposed to be fun, right?  I think it’s definitely true that when you first meet someone you do this more often than not.  Once married, it does change.  It has to do with normal routines and opposite works schedules I’m sure.  It’s not that you don’t want to share an intimate moment with your significant other.  It just turns into a chore, if you will.  We try to make it fun. Turns out, it’s not so sexy when trying to have a baby.  People say “oh, the fun of trying”.  What fun?  Does fun include you telling your husband that your discharge is extra dischargy so it’s time to “make a baby”?  Does fun include having to use lube (Pre-Seed specifically because oil based lubes aren’t good for getting pregnant) because we don’t have a lot of time between work schedules..we just have to get it done?  Does fun include NOT having oral sex because saliva could interfere with baby making too?  So, how sexy is sex when trying to make a baby?  Not very sexy.

If you read my post “Self-Sabotage” you will also know that this plays a part in the game of baby making.  I don’t feel sexy. I’m sexy to my husband but not sexy to myself.  I want lights off, me on bottom and preferably with my shirt on.  How sexy is that!?  I’ve learned that I’m sexy to him no matter what though so I’ve overcome those types of issues.  Sometimes.  Not always.  But, the last time we made love (for a baby during ovulation time) I let myself go.  I didn’t think about my fat or the lights.  I did what he wanted by being on top and guest what!?  I survived!  So I’m going to try and focus on sexy time becoming sexy again.

Another reason I can’t focus on sexy time being sexy is that I had some major itching problems going on down there (now taken care of).  Who knew that when you have increased sexual activity, the PH balance of your vagina is off?  And, my bum was itching so badly that I felt like there was never a time I was not scratching it.  I would do it at home (scratch, in front of my husband) and at work in the privacy of my own office.  Every time my husband saw me do it and be disgusted (um, he does disgusting things in front of me too) I’d say that he has to live with it!  It finally dawned on me that I needed to see the doctor about it ASAP when I chose to scratch in a hallway at work that I knew no one would be walking down at that time.

I went to the doctor and explained my troubles.  He looked and his first reaction was “wow, that’s really raw”.  Um, ya.  We talked about what the possible causes could be.  He said that increased sex could be one.  Effecting the PH balance in my vag.  I then explain that I tend to lay in bed after with my legs up for a better chance of getting pregnant (ha, is this for real?) and perhaps my husbands semen is doing this to me?  Am I allergic to his semen!?  We used condoms before trying to get pregnant.  And sometimes when we didn’t he’d release on my stomach and then my belly button would be irritated.  Am I allergic to my husband!?  The doctor seems to think it’s not an allergy (thank goodness) but I definitely had some stuff going on down there.  After a diflucan pill and some cream for my bum, I’m doing much better.  Haven’t scratched in a while.

So now that I’m itch free….maybe the sexy in sexy time will come back.  I’ve also been advised to NOT lay there with his semen all over my vag.  Wipe it up, take a shower (before and after – that makes sexy time even more fun right?  All these things you have to do to get prepared)?  Friends have told me that’s the trick though.  Lay there.  I’ve read that too.  So does it really work?  In our case, not really since it makes me itch!

Trying to make a baby takes away from “sexy time”.  Instead of just a feeling of wanting to be with your significant other, it’s more of a “we have to do this NOW” type thing.  Could we make it more sexy during ovulation time?  Sure.  But our schedules don’t really allow that.  We don’t have the same schedule.  I have the nice M-F 9 to 5 gig and he does not.  So even if we tried to make it a 12 hr, 24 hr, 36 hr lapse during ovulation, it will never work.  If we had to get that scientific, we’d have to meet in a parking lot somewhere and get it done!

My weight and body issues don’t add anything good to this mix either.  Prime ovulation time may be me feeling like a whale.  It’s definitely not so sexy then.  I feel bad for my husband at this point.  I won’t not have sex during prime time since it’s great baby making time, but I’m not feeling it nor do I feel like I’m giving the best I can towards him.

Oh the joys of trying to make a baby!  I commit to myself to try and make sexy time more enjoyable, at all times, by putting my disorder, body image, and goal for making a baby aside.  Husband and wife should be able to have sexy time just because they want sexy time!

So here’s to making sexy time, actually sexy!

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