I just finished my 3rd cycle of clomid. In November I was prescribed 50mg. Didn’t work. In December I was prescribed 150mg. Didn’t work. In January I was prescribed 100mg. Didn’t work. Why did we go down 50mg this month? Because I was miserable and also had false hope that I was pregnant. In December I felt like I was in someone else’s body. My boobs and nipples hurt so bad. I was fat and bloated all the time and very fatigued. Since I’ve felt actual pregnancy symptoms before with the ectopic pregnancy, I really thought maybe I was pregnant due to the way I was feeling. I have a choice at any point in time to stop the clomid. I just don’t know yet if I want to do that even though I feel like shit on it.
I wish I wasn’t a little bit overweight right now. I always feel like maybe that would make a difference or help me feel better during this difficult journey of trying to conceive. It’s my own fault. I treated my body poorly and didn’t exercise as much the past year after the pregnancy loss. I’m finally in a place (one year later) that I’m determined to get back to feeling better about myself. I’ve made healthy changes. Trying to kick my diet coke habit and limiting caffeine (coffee, yum). Focusing on the average of 10,000 steps a day (which is sometimes not easy when I have a busy day at work stuck at my desk)! I’ve been very consistent with hot yoga since the end of June, but that alone has proven to really not do much for me (but give me gratitude, peace, mindfulness, calmness and flexibility – which helps during baby making sessions, ha) in the weight loss area.
What I find frustrating is that those of us having difficulty have to worry about all this stuff. How much do we weigh? Do we eat healthy? Do we drink caffeine? Do we exercise? There are SO MANY women out there who are drug addicts, overweight and have a horrible diet that get pregnant. What about someone who is not fit to be a parent? Again, so frustrating.
I’ve been taking prenatal vitamins forever along with Metanx which is the natural form of Folgard (folic acid). It smells and tastes like ass. I have to take it because of the MTHFR gene mutation I have. We don’t process Folgard properly so we need the natural form. I used to not take vitamins at all because they made me feel weird. But now, I’ve been taking them for over one year because I want to have a baby. When I took a vitamin before and trying to maintain my weight, I felt that I gained weight while taking vitamins. I know, weird. But I swear there is something to that. Weight gain since I’ve taken vitamins. But it’s not all about being “skinny” I suppose. I’m doing this for a reason but there is a part of me that just wants to stop taking all of this shit and get my body back.
At least once a year I like to color my hair just for something fun and new. Usually I do the 28 day shampoo wash out colors and go for red (I’m light brown naturally). In December I had the desire to change my hair and really wanted to go lighter (blondish). I made sure to ask my doctor about coloring hair while trying to get pregnant. He said that it’s OK to do during the first 2 weeks of my cycle. I had an appointment booked before Christmas but had to cancel it due to the fact that I COULD have been pregnant and didn’t know it yet. I booked it for my birthday instead because by that time I would know if I was pregnant or not. Since unfortunately I was not pregnant, I was able to keep my birthday hair appointment. I decided (with my stylist) on balyage highlights because my natural roots are kept, along with my natural hair color underneath. The blond, painted on highlights would be on top but not all the way to the roots. This way, if I do become pregnant, it won’t look horrible growing out. Do I like it? It’s OK. I have to get used to it. But I wanted and change and a change I got! If I don’t get pregnant in a few months I may just go full on blond!