Tag Archives: sadness

It’s been one year

One year ago today we were informed that our first pregnancy was ectopic and I was injected with a shot of methotrexate.  The worst day of my life.  One year later, it doesn’t hurt any less.  We try every month to conceive (and now with the help of clomid) and come up disappointed over and over again.  I feel a punch to my gut every time I see an announcement that a friend is expecting or a baby was just born.  Actually a friend and her husband were told that they would not be able to conceive without the help of IVF (both having some sort of a problem) and a few weeks later she took a test and is pregnant.  While I’m happy for them I can’t help but think why can’t that be us?  We’ve been trying longer and have gone through so much heartache already.  I also hope that it is a healthy pregnancy too and they don’t find out at their first appointment next week that it’s ectopic.

My husband got me the greatest gift for my birthday a few weeks ago.  It’s actually being made and sized so we don’t have it yet.  It’s an eternity ring to stack on top of my wedding band filled with diamonds and sapphires.  Sapphires are the birthstone for September and that is when our baby would have been due.  It’s also my husband’s birth month.

I had plans for today – clean the house and organize a few things- but I can’t seem to get out of bed.  I want to just lay in the dark and hopefully fall asleep all day long so I don’t hear my thoughts of sadness and loss of hope.  I think I can allow myself to do that.  Chores can wait and tomorrow is a new day.

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Clomid (Changing Body, Changing Habits and other stuff)

I just finished my 3rd cycle of clomid.  In November I was prescribed 50mg.  Didn’t work.  In December I was prescribed 150mg.  Didn’t work.  In January I was prescribed 100mg.  Didn’t work.  Why did we go down 50mg this month?  Because I was miserable and also had false hope that I was pregnant.  In December I felt like I was in someone else’s body.  My boobs and nipples hurt so bad.  I was fat and bloated all the time and very fatigued.  Since I’ve felt actual pregnancy symptoms before with the ectopic pregnancy, I really thought maybe I was pregnant due to the way I was feeling.  I have a choice at any point in time to stop the clomid.  I just don’t know yet if I want to do that even though I feel like shit on it.

I wish I wasn’t a little bit overweight right now.  I always feel like maybe that would make a difference or help me feel better during this difficult journey of trying to conceive.  It’s my own fault.  I treated my body poorly and didn’t exercise as much the past year after the pregnancy loss.  I’m finally in a place (one year later) that I’m determined to get back to feeling better about myself.  I’ve made healthy changes.  Trying to kick my diet coke habit and limiting caffeine (coffee, yum).  Focusing on the average of 10,000 steps a day (which is sometimes not easy when I have a busy day at work stuck at my desk)!  I’ve been very consistent with hot yoga since the end of June, but that alone has proven to really not do much for me (but give me gratitude, peace, mindfulness, calmness and flexibility – which helps during baby making sessions, ha) in the weight loss area.

What I find frustrating is that those of us having difficulty have to worry about all this stuff.  How much do we weigh?  Do we eat healthy?  Do we drink caffeine?  Do we exercise?  There are SO MANY women out there who are drug addicts, overweight and have a horrible diet that get pregnant.  What about someone who is not fit to be a parent?  Again, so frustrating.

I’ve been taking prenatal vitamins forever along with Metanx which is the natural form of Folgard (folic acid).  It smells and tastes like ass.  I have to take it because of the MTHFR gene mutation I have.  We don’t process Folgard properly so we need the natural form.  I used to not take vitamins at all because they made me feel weird.  But now, I’ve been taking them for over one year because I want to have a baby.  When I took a vitamin before and trying to maintain my weight, I felt that I gained weight while taking vitamins.  I know, weird.  But I swear there is something to that.  Weight gain since I’ve taken vitamins.  But it’s not all about being “skinny” I suppose.  I’m doing this for a reason but there is a part of me that just wants to stop taking all of this shit and get my body back.

At least once a year I like to color my hair just for something fun and new.  Usually I do the 28 day shampoo wash out colors and go for red (I’m light brown naturally).  In December I had the desire to change my hair and really wanted to go lighter (blondish).  I made sure to ask my doctor about coloring hair while trying to get pregnant.  He said that it’s OK to do during the first 2 weeks of my cycle.  I had an appointment booked before Christmas but had to cancel it due to the fact that I COULD have been pregnant and didn’t know it yet.  I booked it for my birthday instead because by that time I would know if I was pregnant or not.  Since unfortunately I was not pregnant, I was able to keep my birthday hair appointment.  I decided (with my stylist) on balyage highlights because my natural roots are kept, along with my natural hair color underneath.  The blond, painted on highlights would be on top but not all the way to the roots.  This way, if I do become pregnant, it won’t look horrible growing out.  Do I like it?  It’s OK.  I have to get used to it.  But I wanted and change and a change I got!  If I don’t get pregnant in a few months I may just go full on blond!

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Where is my Holiday Cheer?

It’s that time of year.  Thanksgiving has passed.  While I’m full of gratitude for a lot of things (my husband, our dog whom we consider our daughter, our cats, our home, our jobs and our wonderful family and friends), it’s hard to feel any sort of holiday cheer right now.  Now, it’s onto Christmas and Hanukkah and all the shopping that comes with it.  I have no desire.  None.  I walk into a store and walk right out (thank goodness for online shopping).  I’ve even asked my husband if it’s ok if we not put the tree up this year because it’s such a hassle.  He seems ok with that.  While the holidays are full of presents (it’s totally fun to open presents and get new things), it should be more about spending quality time with the ones you love.  That’s what I keep telling myself when I don’t feel like shopping and buying gifts.  I think the problem is, I’d rather be buying baby things for us, hoping that we were pregnant.  I constantly see families with kids doing fun holiday traditions together.  Tree lightings.  Polar Express rides.  Reindeer petting farms.  Elf on a Shelf.  Whatever.  We have fun doing those things together and possibly with our dog (if dogs are allowed) but it’s not the same when you wish you had a child of your own.  We also have an adorable niece and nephew that we constantly see pics of that fill our hearts with love (we don’t get to see them too often) but I still feel sad watching them, knowing we don’t have any kids of our own.  My husband and I took our dog for a walk today and talked a little bit about this…how long to keep trying and what is next.  We pretty much decided to keep doing what we are doing through the winter and then we look into more options.  We also are ok with deciding, if it comes to that, to stop trying and live a life full of love together.  We are in this situation due to our age.  If we were younger, I don’t think we’d worry so much, or even talk yet about what if we don’t have children.  We are doing everything right.  It doesn’t make sense that we aren’t pregnant yet and it’s just not fair.  I also have another cyst on my vagina.  Luckily it’s not on my labia like last time so it doesn’t hurt as bad and warm compresses seem to help.  It’s still just not fair.  Why is this happening to me?  Why am I always in discomfort and not getting pregnant in the process?

A lot of days when I’m alone I find myself feeling depressed or bored or wondering what to do with myself.  I’m sad.  I want to find joy in the small things but it’s hard.  Every time I look at a picture of someone’s kid I wonder what our kid would look like.  Would our kid smile so big and giggle like that?  Or is that just a dream?  Then, there are possibilities that something could go wrong in pregnancy and that is scary too.  After all the disappointment we’ve been through, could we handle a challenge if we were to get pregnant and something was wrong?

I just want to stop feeling sad and defeated and disappointed all of the time.  I think I’ll only find that joy and “holiday cheer” back if I were to become pregnant (a healthy pregnancy please).  I don’t want to feel sad all of the time either, so how do I get over that if I never do get pregnant?

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