Tag Archives: can’t be happy for others

I’m late! But, not pregnant.

Day 38 of my cycle and no period yet.  Took a million pregnancy tests and went to the doctors office yesterday.  I knew I wasn’t pregnant.  Didn’t feel any of the symptoms.  But I did think it was weird that my period hasn’t arrived yet.  Still hasn’t.  Lots of wet discharge though.  At least twice a day I feel like, oh, here it is and then it’s still clear.  So when the hell will it arrive now?  Clomid f**ked me up that much that my period is taking almost 40 days to arrive?  So the doctor first thought I was ovulating late and now perhaps not ovulating at all.  My husbands sperm shape is in the 1% range and it needs to be 4%, but he has plenty of it we’re told so that’s a good thing.  He went to get a trial wash on Wednesday but turns out the place he went just did a regular analysis (which he did last month and a few times before), so that was a waste of a trip.  Someone not doing their job correctly and following instructions on the doctors order (this place is not affiliated with my doctor thank goodness).  That’s annoying.  The wash was supposed to show if it was a higher percentage, stripped down so we could try artificial insemination.  Since both of us have a little bit of an issue with trying to conceive she recommended seeing a fertility specialist.  So, here we go.  I think it’s total bullshit that everyone and their mother get pregnant at the drop of a hat or when they aren’t even trying or want to have a baby.  I also think it’s total bullshit that we have to go through all of this to become parents when it’s quick and natural for so many.

Our health insurance does have a program that helps with the cost of fertility options, which is really awesome.  There’s one good thing!  I’m waiting to hear back from the nurse who has been assigned to me to tell me which location I’d have to go to.  Then my doctor will let me know if they know anyone there to recommend specifically.  She took blood to check something (I forget) that maybe I need more folic acid and also recommended taking Pregnitude which is a natural reproductive support dietary supplement.  In the mean time, I also need to ask how long do we wait for my period to arrive?  What if it never arrives?  I’ve always been regular so this kind of freaks me out.  Should I take clomid again this month once my period does arrive or can I stop taking it?  I think I’d prefer to stop taking it if I have a choice, but if they say it’ll help me then I suppose I need to continue to take it?  This all sucks and is confusing and shitty.

I’m hoping my medium was right.  She said she was spring time/Easter eggs with any sort of baby news.  Maybe that means we will conceive in the next few months.  Have to have something positive to focus on, right?

I do hot yoga, I walk on the treadmill at the gym, I take a pilates class.  I’m now thinking about acupuncture and an extreme diet of just spinach and sweet potatoes.  Then I think, what does it matter to try certain things because there is always going to be some problem.  I guess we just see the specialist and take it from there.  The place I’m thinking we have to go is not close so that sucks…lots of appointments, far away, interferes with work and what not.  This whole thing just sucks.  Trying to stay positive is difficult.

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My Feelings are right and reasonable and don’t need to be justified

When we feel, why do we immediately try to justify those feelings?  It’s hard for me to be happy for friends who have announced they are expecting.  Immediately I feel sad and angry and hopeless.  Then, I feel ashamed that I’m feeling bad for myself and my husband and not feeling joy for my friends.  However, my feelings are my feelings and don’t need to be justified.  Of course I am going to feel sad and angry especially when after my friend told me she is 11 weeks pregnant and didn’t know until 6 days ago (WTF) and after I said congrats and asked if they have been trying for long her response was “no, I went off the pill a few months ago and it just happened”.

I feel like the Universe is punishing me right now and laughing in my face.  I’m on vacation, what is supposed to be much needed rest and relaxation to take my mind off of trying to conceive.  How does my vacation start?  I see a post on facebook of our friends announcing they are pregnant and the baby will arrive in March.  Immediate I feel sick for some reason.  I click on “like” anyways because I should be happy for them.  The guy next to me on the plane is very nice and extremely chatty.  It wasn’t too bad.  We had some good conversation.  Why wouldn’t a stranger on the plane want to know if you have kids?  “Do you have kids”?  My answer was a simple “no”.  He couldn’t ask what I do for a living?  Do I have pets?  What’s my favorite book?  I don’t know…something else.  What I wanted to say was “No, I do not have kids.  I suffered from an ectopic pregnancy a few months ago though and have been trying to get pregnant ever since.  It’s been over one year and a half now that we’ve been trying.  I’m on this plane right now to try and get away for a few days and not focus on the fact that I want kid(s) but can’t seem to have them currently, but thanks for asking.  Would you like to tell me about your kids now”?  Walking through the airport every women I see is pregnant.  My aunt and I go to lunch and we are seated next to two pregnant ladies and a small child.  Then our waitress (tiny little thing) decides for whatever reason to tell us that she is six months pregnant but you can’t tell (really, couldn’t tell).  Why did she decide to tell us that?  My eyes swell up with tears about to drip into my grilled vegetable salad (cuz you know, trying to eat super healthy).  After lunch I call my friend back after she texted me to call her and that’s when she tells me she’s pregnant.

What am I doing wrong?  Why can’t I get pregnant?  Why is it so easy for others?  Sometimes I even focus on the fact that I’m 20 pounds over weight right now (how did that happen?  binge eating..depression…oh well, I’ve had a tough year) and want to blame not getting pregnant on that.  Bull shit.  Obese women get pregnant just fine.  Whatever it is, I just hope one day we get pregnant and have a healthy and happy child.

– After I posted this I went to the spa for a massage and facial.  You’d never believe what I walked into immediately when entering the spa.  An aeriel hammock yoga class full of pregnant women was taking place.  Awesome.

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