Tag Archives: want to be a parent

It’s been one year

One year ago today we were informed that our first pregnancy was ectopic and I was injected with a shot of methotrexate.  The worst day of my life.  One year later, it doesn’t hurt any less.  We try every month to conceive (and now with the help of clomid) and come up disappointed over and over again.  I feel a punch to my gut every time I see an announcement that a friend is expecting or a baby was just born.  Actually a friend and her husband were told that they would not be able to conceive without the help of IVF (both having some sort of a problem) and a few weeks later she took a test and is pregnant.  While I’m happy for them I can’t help but think why can’t that be us?  We’ve been trying longer and have gone through so much heartache already.  I also hope that it is a healthy pregnancy too and they don’t find out at their first appointment next week that it’s ectopic.

My husband got me the greatest gift for my birthday a few weeks ago.  It’s actually being made and sized so we don’t have it yet.  It’s an eternity ring to stack on top of my wedding band filled with diamonds and sapphires.  Sapphires are the birthstone for September and that is when our baby would have been due.  It’s also my husband’s birth month.

I had plans for today – clean the house and organize a few things- but I can’t seem to get out of bed.  I want to just lay in the dark and hopefully fall asleep all day long so I don’t hear my thoughts of sadness and loss of hope.  I think I can allow myself to do that.  Chores can wait and tomorrow is a new day.

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Clomid (Changing Body, Changing Habits and other stuff)

I just finished my 3rd cycle of clomid.  In November I was prescribed 50mg.  Didn’t work.  In December I was prescribed 150mg.  Didn’t work.  In January I was prescribed 100mg.  Didn’t work.  Why did we go down 50mg this month?  Because I was miserable and also had false hope that I was pregnant.  In December I felt like I was in someone else’s body.  My boobs and nipples hurt so bad.  I was fat and bloated all the time and very fatigued.  Since I’ve felt actual pregnancy symptoms before with the ectopic pregnancy, I really thought maybe I was pregnant due to the way I was feeling.  I have a choice at any point in time to stop the clomid.  I just don’t know yet if I want to do that even though I feel like shit on it.

I wish I wasn’t a little bit overweight right now.  I always feel like maybe that would make a difference or help me feel better during this difficult journey of trying to conceive.  It’s my own fault.  I treated my body poorly and didn’t exercise as much the past year after the pregnancy loss.  I’m finally in a place (one year later) that I’m determined to get back to feeling better about myself.  I’ve made healthy changes.  Trying to kick my diet coke habit and limiting caffeine (coffee, yum).  Focusing on the average of 10,000 steps a day (which is sometimes not easy when I have a busy day at work stuck at my desk)!  I’ve been very consistent with hot yoga since the end of June, but that alone has proven to really not do much for me (but give me gratitude, peace, mindfulness, calmness and flexibility – which helps during baby making sessions, ha) in the weight loss area.

What I find frustrating is that those of us having difficulty have to worry about all this stuff.  How much do we weigh?  Do we eat healthy?  Do we drink caffeine?  Do we exercise?  There are SO MANY women out there who are drug addicts, overweight and have a horrible diet that get pregnant.  What about someone who is not fit to be a parent?  Again, so frustrating.

I’ve been taking prenatal vitamins forever along with Metanx which is the natural form of Folgard (folic acid).  It smells and tastes like ass.  I have to take it because of the MTHFR gene mutation I have.  We don’t process Folgard properly so we need the natural form.  I used to not take vitamins at all because they made me feel weird.  But now, I’ve been taking them for over one year because I want to have a baby.  When I took a vitamin before and trying to maintain my weight, I felt that I gained weight while taking vitamins.  I know, weird.  But I swear there is something to that.  Weight gain since I’ve taken vitamins.  But it’s not all about being “skinny” I suppose.  I’m doing this for a reason but there is a part of me that just wants to stop taking all of this shit and get my body back.

At least once a year I like to color my hair just for something fun and new.  Usually I do the 28 day shampoo wash out colors and go for red (I’m light brown naturally).  In December I had the desire to change my hair and really wanted to go lighter (blondish).  I made sure to ask my doctor about coloring hair while trying to get pregnant.  He said that it’s OK to do during the first 2 weeks of my cycle.  I had an appointment booked before Christmas but had to cancel it due to the fact that I COULD have been pregnant and didn’t know it yet.  I booked it for my birthday instead because by that time I would know if I was pregnant or not.  Since unfortunately I was not pregnant, I was able to keep my birthday hair appointment.  I decided (with my stylist) on balyage highlights because my natural roots are kept, along with my natural hair color underneath.  The blond, painted on highlights would be on top but not all the way to the roots.  This way, if I do become pregnant, it won’t look horrible growing out.  Do I like it?  It’s OK.  I have to get used to it.  But I wanted and change and a change I got!  If I don’t get pregnant in a few months I may just go full on blond!

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My Feelings are right and reasonable and don’t need to be justified

When we feel, why do we immediately try to justify those feelings?  It’s hard for me to be happy for friends who have announced they are expecting.  Immediately I feel sad and angry and hopeless.  Then, I feel ashamed that I’m feeling bad for myself and my husband and not feeling joy for my friends.  However, my feelings are my feelings and don’t need to be justified.  Of course I am going to feel sad and angry especially when after my friend told me she is 11 weeks pregnant and didn’t know until 6 days ago (WTF) and after I said congrats and asked if they have been trying for long her response was “no, I went off the pill a few months ago and it just happened”.

I feel like the Universe is punishing me right now and laughing in my face.  I’m on vacation, what is supposed to be much needed rest and relaxation to take my mind off of trying to conceive.  How does my vacation start?  I see a post on facebook of our friends announcing they are pregnant and the baby will arrive in March.  Immediate I feel sick for some reason.  I click on “like” anyways because I should be happy for them.  The guy next to me on the plane is very nice and extremely chatty.  It wasn’t too bad.  We had some good conversation.  Why wouldn’t a stranger on the plane want to know if you have kids?  “Do you have kids”?  My answer was a simple “no”.  He couldn’t ask what I do for a living?  Do I have pets?  What’s my favorite book?  I don’t know…something else.  What I wanted to say was “No, I do not have kids.  I suffered from an ectopic pregnancy a few months ago though and have been trying to get pregnant ever since.  It’s been over one year and a half now that we’ve been trying.  I’m on this plane right now to try and get away for a few days and not focus on the fact that I want kid(s) but can’t seem to have them currently, but thanks for asking.  Would you like to tell me about your kids now”?  Walking through the airport every women I see is pregnant.  My aunt and I go to lunch and we are seated next to two pregnant ladies and a small child.  Then our waitress (tiny little thing) decides for whatever reason to tell us that she is six months pregnant but you can’t tell (really, couldn’t tell).  Why did she decide to tell us that?  My eyes swell up with tears about to drip into my grilled vegetable salad (cuz you know, trying to eat super healthy).  After lunch I call my friend back after she texted me to call her and that’s when she tells me she’s pregnant.

What am I doing wrong?  Why can’t I get pregnant?  Why is it so easy for others?  Sometimes I even focus on the fact that I’m 20 pounds over weight right now (how did that happen?  binge eating..depression…oh well, I’ve had a tough year) and want to blame not getting pregnant on that.  Bull shit.  Obese women get pregnant just fine.  Whatever it is, I just hope one day we get pregnant and have a healthy and happy child.

– After I posted this I went to the spa for a massage and facial.  You’d never believe what I walked into immediately when entering the spa.  An aeriel hammock yoga class full of pregnant women was taking place.  Awesome.

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Sexy Time Isn’t So Sexy Anymore

Sex is supposed to be fun, right?  I think it’s definitely true that when you first meet someone you do this more often than not.  Once married, it does change.  It has to do with normal routines and opposite works schedules I’m sure.  It’s not that you don’t want to share an intimate moment with your significant other.  It just turns into a chore, if you will.  We try to make it fun. Turns out, it’s not so sexy when trying to have a baby.  People say “oh, the fun of trying”.  What fun?  Does fun include you telling your husband that your discharge is extra dischargy so it’s time to “make a baby”?  Does fun include having to use lube (Pre-Seed specifically because oil based lubes aren’t good for getting pregnant) because we don’t have a lot of time between work schedules..we just have to get it done?  Does fun include NOT having oral sex because saliva could interfere with baby making too?  So, how sexy is sex when trying to make a baby?  Not very sexy.

If you read my post “Self-Sabotage” you will also know that this plays a part in the game of baby making.  I don’t feel sexy. I’m sexy to my husband but not sexy to myself.  I want lights off, me on bottom and preferably with my shirt on.  How sexy is that!?  I’ve learned that I’m sexy to him no matter what though so I’ve overcome those types of issues.  Sometimes.  Not always.  But, the last time we made love (for a baby during ovulation time) I let myself go.  I didn’t think about my fat or the lights.  I did what he wanted by being on top and guest what!?  I survived!  So I’m going to try and focus on sexy time becoming sexy again.

Another reason I can’t focus on sexy time being sexy is that I had some major itching problems going on down there (now taken care of).  Who knew that when you have increased sexual activity, the PH balance of your vagina is off?  And, my bum was itching so badly that I felt like there was never a time I was not scratching it.  I would do it at home (scratch, in front of my husband) and at work in the privacy of my own office.  Every time my husband saw me do it and be disgusted (um, he does disgusting things in front of me too) I’d say that he has to live with it!  It finally dawned on me that I needed to see the doctor about it ASAP when I chose to scratch in a hallway at work that I knew no one would be walking down at that time.

I went to the doctor and explained my troubles.  He looked and his first reaction was “wow, that’s really raw”.  Um, ya.  We talked about what the possible causes could be.  He said that increased sex could be one.  Effecting the PH balance in my vag.  I then explain that I tend to lay in bed after with my legs up for a better chance of getting pregnant (ha, is this for real?) and perhaps my husbands semen is doing this to me?  Am I allergic to his semen!?  We used condoms before trying to get pregnant.  And sometimes when we didn’t he’d release on my stomach and then my belly button would be irritated.  Am I allergic to my husband!?  The doctor seems to think it’s not an allergy (thank goodness) but I definitely had some stuff going on down there.  After a diflucan pill and some cream for my bum, I’m doing much better.  Haven’t scratched in a while.

So now that I’m itch free….maybe the sexy in sexy time will come back.  I’ve also been advised to NOT lay there with his semen all over my vag.  Wipe it up, take a shower (before and after – that makes sexy time even more fun right?  All these things you have to do to get prepared)?  Friends have told me that’s the trick though.  Lay there.  I’ve read that too.  So does it really work?  In our case, not really since it makes me itch!

Trying to make a baby takes away from “sexy time”.  Instead of just a feeling of wanting to be with your significant other, it’s more of a “we have to do this NOW” type thing.  Could we make it more sexy during ovulation time?  Sure.  But our schedules don’t really allow that.  We don’t have the same schedule.  I have the nice M-F 9 to 5 gig and he does not.  So even if we tried to make it a 12 hr, 24 hr, 36 hr lapse during ovulation, it will never work.  If we had to get that scientific, we’d have to meet in a parking lot somewhere and get it done!

My weight and body issues don’t add anything good to this mix either.  Prime ovulation time may be me feeling like a whale.  It’s definitely not so sexy then.  I feel bad for my husband at this point.  I won’t not have sex during prime time since it’s great baby making time, but I’m not feeling it nor do I feel like I’m giving the best I can towards him.

Oh the joys of trying to make a baby!  I commit to myself to try and make sexy time more enjoyable, at all times, by putting my disorder, body image, and goal for making a baby aside.  Husband and wife should be able to have sexy time just because they want sexy time!

So here’s to making sexy time, actually sexy!

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Do You Remember Dancing In September?

I love September.  It’s the beginning of fall, my favorite season (comfy jeans, baggy sweatshirts and decorative scarves, oh my)!  Brisk bike rides with my dog.  The leaves on the trees are changing into vibrant colors.  The smell in the air.  Pumpkin muffins and drinks.  It’s my husbands birthday month too.  This September is a little sad for me though.  It’s also the month that our baby would have been born.

We were trying to get pregnant for months.  I had an HSG test done to make sure my tubes were nice and open and my husband was checked out too.  We wanted to be sure to do everything in advance before our journey because we are in our late 30’s and my sister suffered 3 miscarriages (she now has two beautiful smart & healthy kids).  It’s a shame how some people get pregnant so easily or “by mistake”.  I’ll never understand how someone gets pregnant by mistake.  Never.  When we weren’t getting pregnant at first my sister gave me a lot of advice and actually told me what to get tested for (vs an actual doctor).  Turns out I carry the MTHFR gene mutation just like she does.  There is research that the gene could cause infertility.  Most say you have to have more than one copy of it though.  She told me to take prescription folic acid and a baby aspirin along with a prenatal vitamin.  Did my doctor suggest this?  No.  The woman who went through hell trying to become a mom told me this.  Does it help?  Supposedly.  At least my doctor agreed when I suggested it to him.  More recent studies show that people with MTHFR don’t process Folgard the way the body should.  So now I’m taking Metanx which is a natural form of folic acid.  Maybe that will help.  Who knows.

We did everything right.  Had sex during prime ovulation time.  Month after month when my period arrived and/or the pregnancy test was negative, we became disappointed but remained optimistic.  After the 6th month of trying we should have received more medical help since I’m over 35.  The doctor said just keep trying.  In January (my birthday month) I took a test and it was positive!  I actually took the test in a Meijer bathroom immediately after I bought it because I couldn’t wait to get home (and I was on my way to a friends baby shower).  POSITIVE!!  We are PREGNANT!  After telling my husband I told my sister immediately.  She told me to get blood work done to check my beta levels.  I did that.  And they were low, along with my progesterone levels.  The doctor office gave me some vaginal inserts for progesterone.  I asked that my initial first appointment be earlier than “normal” because of my fear of something going wrong after what my sister went through.  They went ahead and scheduled it.

January 17th.  A Friday.  We had the appointment.  The lady checking us in and taking my weight had a rude tone to her voice saying “you’re here early” after I answered her question of how far along I was.  Screw you bitch.  You may see a lot of pregnant people in here but if I want to come in at (what we think was) 5 weeks and my doctor allowed this appointment, shut your mouth and just do your job.

The doctor comes in.  Probing around in there.  Not seeing anything.  Sees something that possibly could be the sac but thinks maybe it’s just too early.  He sends me to the hospital for a more thorough look.  We get to the hospital and this lady was so nice.  She made me feel a little more comfortable but I could tell something was wrong.  She was in there for what seemed to be hours.  Moving that thing around all over the place.  Saying she had to make a call and have someone else look at it.  Can’t be good news.  And, it wasn’t.  My doctor was already on a plane to Florida to visit his brother so they had to call the doctor on call.  She told me that there could be a few scenarios of options and most likely this is an ectopic pregnancy.  This was over the phone.  Perhaps trying to keep us hopeful, we were instructed to go to the ER on Sunday for another ultrasound.  We didn’t quite understand this, but whatever.  I started the day thinking it was just going to be a morning appointment and I would go into work after.  I had to call off to my boss, 1.5 months after my start date.  Ugh.  At this point I’m thinking why go to the ER on Sunday?  Is this going to cost us a fortune?  Why can’t someone tell me something more concrete now?  Because it’s too early?

Saturday morning I wake up to go to the bathroom and all I feel and see is blood.  I quickly cry out for my husband.  Am I having a miscarriage?  Frightened and worried, we contact my sister.  She is just as upset if not more than we are.  All the pain she has been through and now she feels that pain for her baby sister.  I could hear it in her voice.  We got off the phone and immediately headed to the ER.

It’s an ectopic.  It needs to be terminated.  It’s life-threatening to me.  We have two choices.  Get a shot of methotrexate and the termination takes its course for about two weeks (so they said).  Or, I have surgery to have it removed but then my tube would be damaged and make it harder to have a baby later on.  We chose the shot.  To make a long story short from here, I bled for 8.5 weeks.  I had to have a second shot one week after the first shot because my beta number wasn’t going down enough.  What I thought would be 2 weeks of bleeding and suffering turned into 8.5 weeks.  I didn’t sign up for that!  But looking at the positive side, at least I didn’t have to have surgery and my left tube is still “ok”.  That baby was one tough cookie trying to hang on.  I had to get blood drawn weekly.  The first blood draw after the initial methotrexate shot I had to go to the hospital versus the doctor’s office.  The lady at the desk was giving me a hard time because my license had 4 names on it (my first, middle, maiden last name and married last name) but on their records it just had my first and married last name.  That IS my name.  I chose to keep all of my names though legally.  Really?  This is a problem?  After I burst out into tears and I explain to her the simplicity to this whole thing that she thinks is an issue, she finally admits she is wrong.  I never got an apology though.  I’m dismissed to join the phlebotomist to get my blood drawn.  She takes one look at my arm and says “do you get your blood drawn a lot”?  I’m assuming she asks this question because I have several bruises there from blood work and an IV.  I respond by saying “I was in the hospital for an ectopic pregnancy which I have now and have been poked a lot”.  She then says “congratulations”.  I had to tell her what an ectopic pregnancy was and that she should not be congratulating me.  Then she asks, “so you can’t have the baby”?  I think it’s clear that sensitivity training needs to take place in that hopsital for all of their staff.  Sensitivity and common f**king sense and knowledge training.

It’s been known to happen that a woman doesn’t get her period until 6 months after an ectopic.  I was lucky enough to get it in April after my beta number was finally 0 (actually 1).  We had to wait a few cycles until we could try again.  So we are spending money on metanx, prenantal vitamins, baby aspirin, ovulation tests, etc.  Making sure to hit the right days when we should be able to get pregnant.  Knowing there is only a 20% chance of getting pregnant during the time you can get pregnant isn’t very encouraging.  Again, I’ll never understand how someone gets pregnant “by mistake” or “by accident”.  As of right now, we are not pregnant.  Perhaps in October my period won’t arrive and maybe we will be.  Fingers crossed.  There is a higher percent chance that we will have another ectopic though since we’ve already had one.  And, with my age, downs syndrome is a higher possibility.

We’ve since gone to a new doctor recently.  The father of a friend.  He listened and gave good advice.  We felt a connection with him which is needed during this difficult time.  He actually joked that we were spending money on ovulation tests when he’d give us a free one – a piece of paper!  It does turn our that perhaps we weren’t starting to have sex as soon as we should have been during the ovulation time frame.  I know for a fact though which day we got pregnant in December for the January positive result because it just so happened we only had sex on one day during that time frame.  This doctor doesn’t deliver babies anymore though so we’ll have to figure all that out once we are pregnant.  Will we have my files sent to him and go to him instead?  Who will delivery the baby if it comes to that?

If you read my blog titled “Strong Energy” you know I went to see a medium.  One of the things she did say was that my late father in law has that baby with him and to think spring.  Meaning maybe spring time is a good time to get pregnant?  Not sure.  We’ll see.  I believe everything else that happened during that session.  I’m hoping the pregnancy happens sooner than that, but if spring is the time then spring is the time.

While I haven’t let the loss of our child put a stop to my life, I haven’t felt like dancing and enjoying this month as much as I usually do.

“The bell was ringing, our souls were singing”.  Hopefully next September I’ll feel like dancing more.

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Self-Sabotage

My weight has fluctuated up and down my entire life, totaling 141 pounds.  Wow.  Just did the math from when I was a teenager and became so obsessed with not eating (very limited) resulting in a 27 pound weight loss taking me down to 97 pounds, to today, including the several times I was up and down.  That doesn’t count a few pounds up and down here and there.  And to think there are some people who have never had problems with their weight or just have a great metabolism and are naturally skinny.  Why can’t I be one of those people?  I’ve lost weight on Jenny Craig and on Weight Watchers (not the first time as a teen – that was just really unhealthy).  I know what my happy weight is (at least the magic number on the scale) but yet I seem to always “let myself go”.  I sabotage myself.  I know what I’m doing and I know how to fix it, but I don’t.  I binge eat and drink.  Everything in my life is good.  Great husband, beautiful home, awesome job, dear friends and family and the best doggy and two cats in the world…but I have this one stupid thing that I could do without.  Then again, can I do without it?  Is this what an addiction to something is like?  I let this stupid eating disorder and body image disorder rule my life.  I take medication for depression yet that doesn’t always seem to help.  My thoughts are CONSTANTLY on my body and how fat it is.  I think about the fat hanging over my pants and my thighs spreading out in the chair I’m sitting in and my arm fat bulging out of my tops where the tops fit the rest of me just fine.  When I’m doing yoga and trying to meditate I’m thinking about my fat.  I am envious of women who truly are happy with their bodies when they have a few extra pounds on them.  I’d like to think that I can be that person – comfortable in my own skin no matter what – but I’m not.  I’m not comfortable in my own skin when I’m overweight.  I finally realized that most people aren’t looking at me thinking what I’m thinking about myself.  It probably doesn’t cross their mind when looking at me that I’m “fat”.  They look at me for me.  But when I look at me (pictures recently) I don’t see me.  I don’t know who that body belongs to.  I let the hatred towards my body define me.  Why?  Funny thing is too, when I’m “skinny” I still don’t like to “show off” my body.  I don’t wear shorts.  Period.  When I’m “fat”, I think, man, I should have worn shorts and other things that skinny girls can wear.  Oh what I’d do to be able to be skinny and wear those things now.  I have an awesome wardrobe.  In so many sizes (0 to 8). I know it’s really bad when I start wearing the same things over and over again just because they are comfortable and I feel those clothes also help hide my fat.  It’s too bad really.  All those cute clothes going to waste.  I also feel that I don’t dress myself up to look nice either.  I feel like a frump.

Feeling like this also doesn’t help while my husband and I are trying to get pregnant.  After suffering an ectopic pregnancy I feel like I’ve been sabotaging myself more since the termination.  Termination.  Sounds horrible.  I know the baby couldn’t survive, but there still was a baby growing inside of me.  When perhaps I should have been treating my body like a temple after that loss, I started treating it worse.  Like I’m punishing myself.  I have feelings of hopelessness about becoming a mom and my husband becoming a dad.  I used to say that I didn’t want children.  Honestly I think I said that before because I couldn’t imagine being pregnant and being fat and gaining weight.  How stupid is that?  Still, that’s what I think.  I also didn’t know my husband back then and finding him, the one person on this earth made for me, I believe that also changed my thoughts on having a child.  I want nothing more than to be a mom and a parent to a healthy baby with my husband.

Every week I come up with a new plan.  I’m going to do this and not that.  I’m going to eat only fruit and veggies.  I’m going to exercise like crazy.  Then I slip.  I let one small slip turn into a huge slip.  Then try to start all over again.  A healthy moderation of everything would be great.  I’ve been there at some points in my life and want to get there again.  The stress and obsession of trying to get pregnant probably doesn’t help.  The worst part is when people say “just relax”.  Are you kidding me?

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