G.U.I.L.T

Wow.  It’s been over two years since I’ve blogged.  Many things have changed.  One day I will work on sharing my birth story.  I am a proud mother to our perfect daughter, Olive.  She was born on Christmas Day 2015.

I started seeing a therapist last week to assist with sorting out some feelings and to work on myself for the better.  Today I told her that I tend to feel guilty when I think about the child that we lost because of what we have now.  She suggested an exercise on thinking of words for GUILT and using those to channel any guilty feelings to something positive.

On the spot, this is what I came up with: Gratitude, Unity, Intuition, Laughter & Teamwork.

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Am I being punished?

I found the love of my life, after a first marriage and a lot of mistakes.  With having trouble conceiving I often think that I should just be happy with the life we have together, without children.  I know that both of us would be happy together no matter what.  We know a lot of couples who have struggles and who may not love each other the way that we love each other.  I’m thankful that I can say that I know what true love is.  If we don’t have a baby, I know we’ll be fine and live a rich life full of love for one another.  I can’t help but think that somehow I’m being punished though.  Through my battles of eating disorders and what I consider to be selfishness now (didn’t then), and say I didn’t want children (probably because I never found the right person to have children with until I met my husband), I tend to think that this is my punishment.  I have everything I’d ever want in a partner and soulmate and the universe is telling me I can’t have it all.

It just doesn’t seem fair.  Others have babies all the time without a problem.  Or, without having to go through several doctor appointments and drugs and special timing to have sex.  I’ve done my fair share of over-drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes and I feel like maybe that is why this is happening?  But then I think about crack whores who get pregnant and friends who chain smoked daily for years and years and they got pregnant.  I have a friend who smoked throughout her pregnancies (2) and her kids are amazingly perfect.  So why me, now?  Why do I have to think about my past, my 20’s, having fun, and think that perhaps those years affected me now – wanting to have a child with the man I love.  I now do everything that I need to do to be healthy, yet I’m overweight.  I like to try and blame it on the clomid but I’m sure that’s not it.  People who know me may say I’m not overweight, but I definitely am.  I can’t even lose a few pounds.  I can’t do anything right.  I remember my sister telling me this after she suffered from one (of 3) of her miscarriages.  She was trying to lose a few pounds and felt like she couldn’t even make that happen and felt like a failure (she’s tiny by the way) all the way around.  I tend to tell myself that I’ve been through a lot the past year, so big deal I’m a little overweight.  But then I think, if I was at the perfect weight maybe I wouldn’t have trouble conceiving.  Then again, there is an issue with my husband too and the shape of his sperm.  So I know it’s not just me, but I want to blame it on just me.  I also know people who are severely overweight and they have a ton of healthy children also.

Something my doctor said the other day has stuck with me.  After she explained that it seems perhaps I’m not ovulating and we should see a fertility specialist, I asked her how did I get pregnant once (ectopic) if I don’t ovulate?  She said maybe I got lucky.  Maybe I got lucky!?  I would prefer that we didn’t get pregnant at all.  Maybe I would have found out earlier that I don’t ovulate.  But I took ovulation tests before and they said I was ovulating (time to have sex).  So how can that be?  I found that pregnancy tests don’t lie.  I got one positive one before with the ectopic and I have never gotten a positive one again.  So do the ovulation tests lie?  Or, it’s that I ovulate “late” or something like that.  And, if I were to have gotten lucky that one time, why didn’t it result in a pregnancy that could come to term?

We have had names picked out for a long time.  It sucks when others we know are having babies right and left and perhaps they “stole” our baby name (which is impossible because we’ve only told a few close family members).  I know in the grand scheme of everything, it doesn’t matter if someone we know used the same name that we want that means so much to us.  But it disappoints me knowing that it may be years until we can possibly conceive and have a healthy baby and perhaps we will pick another name by then.  That makes me sad.  I want a baby now and I want to give the baby the name that we want.  I feel like that will never happen.

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I’m late! But, not pregnant.

Day 38 of my cycle and no period yet.  Took a million pregnancy tests and went to the doctors office yesterday.  I knew I wasn’t pregnant.  Didn’t feel any of the symptoms.  But I did think it was weird that my period hasn’t arrived yet.  Still hasn’t.  Lots of wet discharge though.  At least twice a day I feel like, oh, here it is and then it’s still clear.  So when the hell will it arrive now?  Clomid f**ked me up that much that my period is taking almost 40 days to arrive?  So the doctor first thought I was ovulating late and now perhaps not ovulating at all.  My husbands sperm shape is in the 1% range and it needs to be 4%, but he has plenty of it we’re told so that’s a good thing.  He went to get a trial wash on Wednesday but turns out the place he went just did a regular analysis (which he did last month and a few times before), so that was a waste of a trip.  Someone not doing their job correctly and following instructions on the doctors order (this place is not affiliated with my doctor thank goodness).  That’s annoying.  The wash was supposed to show if it was a higher percentage, stripped down so we could try artificial insemination.  Since both of us have a little bit of an issue with trying to conceive she recommended seeing a fertility specialist.  So, here we go.  I think it’s total bullshit that everyone and their mother get pregnant at the drop of a hat or when they aren’t even trying or want to have a baby.  I also think it’s total bullshit that we have to go through all of this to become parents when it’s quick and natural for so many.

Our health insurance does have a program that helps with the cost of fertility options, which is really awesome.  There’s one good thing!  I’m waiting to hear back from the nurse who has been assigned to me to tell me which location I’d have to go to.  Then my doctor will let me know if they know anyone there to recommend specifically.  She took blood to check something (I forget) that maybe I need more folic acid and also recommended taking Pregnitude which is a natural reproductive support dietary supplement.  In the mean time, I also need to ask how long do we wait for my period to arrive?  What if it never arrives?  I’ve always been regular so this kind of freaks me out.  Should I take clomid again this month once my period does arrive or can I stop taking it?  I think I’d prefer to stop taking it if I have a choice, but if they say it’ll help me then I suppose I need to continue to take it?  This all sucks and is confusing and shitty.

I’m hoping my medium was right.  She said she was spring time/Easter eggs with any sort of baby news.  Maybe that means we will conceive in the next few months.  Have to have something positive to focus on, right?

I do hot yoga, I walk on the treadmill at the gym, I take a pilates class.  I’m now thinking about acupuncture and an extreme diet of just spinach and sweet potatoes.  Then I think, what does it matter to try certain things because there is always going to be some problem.  I guess we just see the specialist and take it from there.  The place I’m thinking we have to go is not close so that sucks…lots of appointments, far away, interferes with work and what not.  This whole thing just sucks.  Trying to stay positive is difficult.

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It’s been one year

One year ago today we were informed that our first pregnancy was ectopic and I was injected with a shot of methotrexate.  The worst day of my life.  One year later, it doesn’t hurt any less.  We try every month to conceive (and now with the help of clomid) and come up disappointed over and over again.  I feel a punch to my gut every time I see an announcement that a friend is expecting or a baby was just born.  Actually a friend and her husband were told that they would not be able to conceive without the help of IVF (both having some sort of a problem) and a few weeks later she took a test and is pregnant.  While I’m happy for them I can’t help but think why can’t that be us?  We’ve been trying longer and have gone through so much heartache already.  I also hope that it is a healthy pregnancy too and they don’t find out at their first appointment next week that it’s ectopic.

My husband got me the greatest gift for my birthday a few weeks ago.  It’s actually being made and sized so we don’t have it yet.  It’s an eternity ring to stack on top of my wedding band filled with diamonds and sapphires.  Sapphires are the birthstone for September and that is when our baby would have been due.  It’s also my husband’s birth month.

I had plans for today – clean the house and organize a few things- but I can’t seem to get out of bed.  I want to just lay in the dark and hopefully fall asleep all day long so I don’t hear my thoughts of sadness and loss of hope.  I think I can allow myself to do that.  Chores can wait and tomorrow is a new day.

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Clomid (Changing Body, Changing Habits and other stuff)

I just finished my 3rd cycle of clomid.  In November I was prescribed 50mg.  Didn’t work.  In December I was prescribed 150mg.  Didn’t work.  In January I was prescribed 100mg.  Didn’t work.  Why did we go down 50mg this month?  Because I was miserable and also had false hope that I was pregnant.  In December I felt like I was in someone else’s body.  My boobs and nipples hurt so bad.  I was fat and bloated all the time and very fatigued.  Since I’ve felt actual pregnancy symptoms before with the ectopic pregnancy, I really thought maybe I was pregnant due to the way I was feeling.  I have a choice at any point in time to stop the clomid.  I just don’t know yet if I want to do that even though I feel like shit on it.

I wish I wasn’t a little bit overweight right now.  I always feel like maybe that would make a difference or help me feel better during this difficult journey of trying to conceive.  It’s my own fault.  I treated my body poorly and didn’t exercise as much the past year after the pregnancy loss.  I’m finally in a place (one year later) that I’m determined to get back to feeling better about myself.  I’ve made healthy changes.  Trying to kick my diet coke habit and limiting caffeine (coffee, yum).  Focusing on the average of 10,000 steps a day (which is sometimes not easy when I have a busy day at work stuck at my desk)!  I’ve been very consistent with hot yoga since the end of June, but that alone has proven to really not do much for me (but give me gratitude, peace, mindfulness, calmness and flexibility – which helps during baby making sessions, ha) in the weight loss area.

What I find frustrating is that those of us having difficulty have to worry about all this stuff.  How much do we weigh?  Do we eat healthy?  Do we drink caffeine?  Do we exercise?  There are SO MANY women out there who are drug addicts, overweight and have a horrible diet that get pregnant.  What about someone who is not fit to be a parent?  Again, so frustrating.

I’ve been taking prenatal vitamins forever along with Metanx which is the natural form of Folgard (folic acid).  It smells and tastes like ass.  I have to take it because of the MTHFR gene mutation I have.  We don’t process Folgard properly so we need the natural form.  I used to not take vitamins at all because they made me feel weird.  But now, I’ve been taking them for over one year because I want to have a baby.  When I took a vitamin before and trying to maintain my weight, I felt that I gained weight while taking vitamins.  I know, weird.  But I swear there is something to that.  Weight gain since I’ve taken vitamins.  But it’s not all about being “skinny” I suppose.  I’m doing this for a reason but there is a part of me that just wants to stop taking all of this shit and get my body back.

At least once a year I like to color my hair just for something fun and new.  Usually I do the 28 day shampoo wash out colors and go for red (I’m light brown naturally).  In December I had the desire to change my hair and really wanted to go lighter (blondish).  I made sure to ask my doctor about coloring hair while trying to get pregnant.  He said that it’s OK to do during the first 2 weeks of my cycle.  I had an appointment booked before Christmas but had to cancel it due to the fact that I COULD have been pregnant and didn’t know it yet.  I booked it for my birthday instead because by that time I would know if I was pregnant or not.  Since unfortunately I was not pregnant, I was able to keep my birthday hair appointment.  I decided (with my stylist) on balyage highlights because my natural roots are kept, along with my natural hair color underneath.  The blond, painted on highlights would be on top but not all the way to the roots.  This way, if I do become pregnant, it won’t look horrible growing out.  Do I like it?  It’s OK.  I have to get used to it.  But I wanted and change and a change I got!  If I don’t get pregnant in a few months I may just go full on blond!

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Looking for the thing to fill the void

Love your mistakes just as much as you adore your triumphs.

You will never have to force anything that’s truly meant to be.

Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.

Someday, everything will make perfect sense.  So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.

Those are just a few of the quotes that I’ve recently added to my pinterest account.  Something happened the other day and soon enough I realized that I was trying to look for a sign that wasn’t there and fill the void of the loss of our baby and the void there is of another baby not happening right now for us.  I was going through my facebook feed and saw a picture of a cute little doggie up for adoption through the rescue where we adopted our dog.  Her picture is what first caught my eye, then I saw her name.  Her name is the name that we want to name our daughter (if we have a baby one day, and it’s a girl).  I believe that I took that as a sign that perhaps we need to adopt her!  It felt comforting that I know and respect that rescue group.  I left a comment that perhaps our dog and this dog should have a play date.  They took me up on the offer right away!  After talking to my husband we agreed that we would meet up with the foster parents on Saturday to have a meet and greet with our dog and this dog.  We have to meet 1/2 way, which was close to 2 hours for both of us.  During the meeting things were just fine.  My husband fell in love immediately.  I got emotional and started to cry.  I knew right then that perhaps it’s not the best thing to bring her home with us (for a trial period).  My gut was saying at that time she should not come home with us.  Then my husband and I agreed we would do this trial for a few days and see how it goes (we also have 2 cats, so they come into play also with the acceptance of a new fur sibling).  Lola (that’s what I am calling her which is not the name the rescue gave her..because I can’t call her that name, as it may be the name of my daughter one day), was comfortable right away in the car.  Happy.  Our doggie was great too.  Once we were home though she was a little jealous of Lola.  I make sure to sort of keep my distance from Lola to not fall hard for her fast.  I was also worried about our dog and her being jealous.  Throughout the day today they have been fine actually.  I messaged the rescue contact that we will not be adopting Lola though as I felt that perhaps I was just trying to fill a void of the baby loss.  Now that I’m home with both doggies I feel like perhaps it could work out.  But then I’d look like an idiot to the rescue group and maybe they won’t want to let us adopt her now after I said we weren’t going to adopt her!

A few moments ago though I didn’t feel exactly that way.  So when I say I need to stick to my gut feeling, this is why:

* For some reason I was emotional and didn’t feel an immediate connection at the meet and greet.  I found it necessary for my husband and I to talk away from the foster parents to have a private conversation.  Maybe it was because I wasn’t to say sorry, this was a mistake driving here and we need to leave without Lola.  I had tears in my eyes.  My husband perhaps should have caught onto that that perhaps it wasn’t best to take Lola home.  I agreed that we’d give it a try like we said though since we drove all this way and all.

*In a way it reminds me of my previous marriage.  Yup, I was married before in my mid 20’s.  Obviously, that didn’t work out.  My ex husband had a dog before I met him, who soon became my dog too of course!  Then one day, he decided to adopt a 9 year old boxer without my input.  I resented him for that.  I didn’t love the boxer as much as our dog.  That wasn’t fair to her.  In a way I feel like if we were to adopt another dog right now, I would feel the same way I did in my previous marriage with the other dogs and that’s not fair to them.  I don’t want to resent anyone.

*I sneezed a ton yesterday with Lola.  She probably needs a good bath but it’s possible that I’m allergic to her.  I’ve always been allergic to animal hair but outgrew it.  I’m sneezing and feeling not great now.  It could be that I am just getting sick and it’s a coincidence.

*The cats don’t seem to mind her, but actually did hiss at her today.

I just know that adding another fur baby to the family won’t fill the void of having a baby.  That’s not fair to Lola.  She deserves a good home and she will get one, no doubt.  If the day comes when we would have to decide to stop trying treatments for infertility and perhaps can never have a baby, then maybe, maybe we should adopt another dog.  Right now is just not the time.  Especially when I need to focus on myself and my health and focus on trying to have that baby that we really want.  It makes me sad but I know it’s the right thing.  My husband wants to keep her but at this point I think I feel like I’d just be giving in to make him happy if I said yes we can keep her.  Sometimes we just have to stick to what our gut initially said.  Sure, we wish we didn’t even bring her home then, but we did and we have to follow through with that we think is best.

Mistakes are forgivable as long as you have the courage to admit them.

Where is my Holiday Cheer?

It’s that time of year.  Thanksgiving has passed.  While I’m full of gratitude for a lot of things (my husband, our dog whom we consider our daughter, our cats, our home, our jobs and our wonderful family and friends), it’s hard to feel any sort of holiday cheer right now.  Now, it’s onto Christmas and Hanukkah and all the shopping that comes with it.  I have no desire.  None.  I walk into a store and walk right out (thank goodness for online shopping).  I’ve even asked my husband if it’s ok if we not put the tree up this year because it’s such a hassle.  He seems ok with that.  While the holidays are full of presents (it’s totally fun to open presents and get new things), it should be more about spending quality time with the ones you love.  That’s what I keep telling myself when I don’t feel like shopping and buying gifts.  I think the problem is, I’d rather be buying baby things for us, hoping that we were pregnant.  I constantly see families with kids doing fun holiday traditions together.  Tree lightings.  Polar Express rides.  Reindeer petting farms.  Elf on a Shelf.  Whatever.  We have fun doing those things together and possibly with our dog (if dogs are allowed) but it’s not the same when you wish you had a child of your own.  We also have an adorable niece and nephew that we constantly see pics of that fill our hearts with love (we don’t get to see them too often) but I still feel sad watching them, knowing we don’t have any kids of our own.  My husband and I took our dog for a walk today and talked a little bit about this…how long to keep trying and what is next.  We pretty much decided to keep doing what we are doing through the winter and then we look into more options.  We also are ok with deciding, if it comes to that, to stop trying and live a life full of love together.  We are in this situation due to our age.  If we were younger, I don’t think we’d worry so much, or even talk yet about what if we don’t have children.  We are doing everything right.  It doesn’t make sense that we aren’t pregnant yet and it’s just not fair.  I also have another cyst on my vagina.  Luckily it’s not on my labia like last time so it doesn’t hurt as bad and warm compresses seem to help.  It’s still just not fair.  Why is this happening to me?  Why am I always in discomfort and not getting pregnant in the process?

A lot of days when I’m alone I find myself feeling depressed or bored or wondering what to do with myself.  I’m sad.  I want to find joy in the small things but it’s hard.  Every time I look at a picture of someone’s kid I wonder what our kid would look like.  Would our kid smile so big and giggle like that?  Or is that just a dream?  Then, there are possibilities that something could go wrong in pregnancy and that is scary too.  After all the disappointment we’ve been through, could we handle a challenge if we were to get pregnant and something was wrong?

I just want to stop feeling sad and defeated and disappointed all of the time.  I think I’ll only find that joy and “holiday cheer” back if I were to become pregnant (a healthy pregnancy please).  I don’t want to feel sad all of the time either, so how do I get over that if I never do get pregnant?

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Can’t catch a break

Ever hear of a bartholin cyst?  I haven’t until today.  Earlier in the week I noticed something felt a little off when I wiped after peeing.  I took a quick look and didn’t really see anything.  This kept going on for a few days when suddenly it hurt a bit more.  I took a closer look and there seemed to be a bump on my right labia.  I had my husband look at it and we both figured it was probably just a zit or something in an odd spot.  This has happened to me once or twice before in my life.  The pain got worse and the bump got bigger and harder.  I felt discomfort when I walked and the area was very irritated.  Yesterday it was bigger than ever and really hard.  I googled zit on labia and found a few things regarding zits and cysts.  Suggestions were to take a soak, use baking soda and that eventually it would heal on it’s own.  I couldn’t imagine this huge sucker healing on it’s own.  Today I was in so much pain.  I took a baking soda bath and had my husband look at it again.  He was shocked at the size of it.  In so much pain I decided to call the answering service to my OBGYN’s office.  They got my doctor on the phone and after describing it to him he said it sounds like a bartholin cyst and said they are common and getting it drained is a must.  He suggested I go to the ER (since it’s Sunday) or I can wait to call the office in the morning and get an appointment at one of the 3 offices in the area for tomorrow.  Knowing I have to process payroll tomorrow for over 150 associates, I chose to head to the ER to get this taken care of.  As I checked in with the nurse and told her what I was there for, she asked how do I know?  Explained the conversation I had with my doctor and she seemed to agree.  She immediately showed empathy.  God, this f*cking hurts.  Maybe she’s had one before?  Or maybe she just knows how much it hurts from patients who have had this.  The lady who took my blood pressure gave me a sad face look too, like, “oh honey, I know you must be in a lot of pain”.  Then she said, “oh, those are from shaving”.  I did read that on one of the several links I pulled up on the internet but I don’t put a razor on my labia!  Who does?  There isn’t even hair there.  Sure I shave my bikini line but wouldn’t the cyst develop there then?  I chat with her as she walks me to room 49 and mentioned last time I was here was for methotrexate for an ectopic pregnancy.  She said she would pray for me.  That was nice of her.  I was just chatting saying this really sucks and it hurts a lot and if it’s not one thing it’s another since our journey to become parents.  We get to room 49 and someone is in there.  She then says, “oh, an ambulance must have arrived with a patient” (so it didn’t show in the system?).  I followed her through the area where doctors are and she asked me to wait there.  I hear the medics asking the patient in room 49 if she has a history of cutting herself.  That reminds me that my life isn’t all that bad and I felt sorry for the patient in that room.  She gets me into room 45.  I take my pants off and get comfy, turn on the TV and watch an episode of House Hunters Renovation on HGTV.

My husband and I just drove back from a 3 hour drive after visiting family.  He had to go to work so I drove myself to the ER.  I wish he could have been with me.  Finally the doctor came in and took a look.  He confirmed it was a bartholin cyst.  I asked my many questions.  How is this caused?  Is this common?  Now that it’s happened to me is it likely to continue to return (something I read online)?  Do I have to take antibiotics (because I don’t want to with actively trying for a baby)?  Can I still have sex, since we are trying for a baby?  You are going to insert a small catheter?  Will it hurt?  How long will it stay in?  Can you take a blood test to see if I’m pregnant now even though I took a home pregnancy test yesterday and it was negative?  You want to give me pain meds?  I don’t want them because I could possibly be pregnant.  Ugh.  So many questions and I feel defeated.  Another shitty thing is happening to me.  To us.  In the process of wanting to become pregnant.

They were very nice to me and explained everything.  There is no real cause.  The gland just gets blocked somehow and a cyst forms.  Mine was the size of a large cashew and was definitely infected.  They occur and sometimes people don’t even know they are there and they go away on their own.  Not me!  Mr. Cashew wanted to be seen and felt.  The bright side?  It wasn’t the size of a golf ball or larger which could happen.  I asked for something to squeeze before they put a f*cking needle into my labia.  I was handed a wad of gauze.  Before this happened I heard ambulance patient screaming things like “get away from me”…blah blah.  I reminded myself again that I don’t have it so bad.  Once the gauze was in hand and she told me she was ready to begin I felt the worst pain ever.  She poked me 4 or more times with a needle in my right labia to numb it.  Now I was that patient in the other room but I screamed “F*CK and JESUS CHRIST” more than once while practically lifting my pelvic to the ceiling wanting to jump off the bed.  They leave me be for a bit to let the numbing take place.  I’m glad I didn’t have mascara on or I would have walked out of there looking like Alice Cooper.  Then, there is a knock on the door from the hallway (not the area the doctor comes in from).  It’s a lady looking for her mother’s slippers.  Really!?  I replied that someone is in here and there are no slippers.  She then asked if I was dressed/covered.  I replied yes.  She walked right in, all smiles, saying sorry and looked for slippers.  Not there.  Seriously?  See you later a**hole.

Once they were down there attempting to put the word catheter in, I didn’t feel a thing.  Thank God.  They claimed it would just take one second though.  Before they started they did ask me again if I was sure I didn’t want any pain medicine.  I declined in case I was pregnant and they wouldn’t do a blood test to see if I was, saying it was too soon and it wouldn’t show since my last period was 10/5.  I said no medicine.  Plus I drove myself.  I was advised to take some tylenol.  Ok, that I can do.  So, one second was more like 5 minutes (watching the clock).  Again, thank God I can’t feel anything.  Turns out that my cyst wasn’t big enough to take the word catheter.  It didn’t want to stay in.  I guess that’s a plus!?  At least I would not have to go back to doctor’s office to get it removed in a week or so.  They stuffed it with gauze and said it’ll fall out on it’s own or I can remove it myself tomorrow.  In the mean time keep it dry and no hot yoga for a day or so (darn it..that’s my happy place at 6pm on Mondays).

It now just stings.  A lot.  I’m afraid to look at it or go to the bathroom.  I’m so uncomfortable but I feel like I’m probably not as uncomfortable as I was with a blood and puss filled cyst on my labia.  I’ll have to wait and see what I feel like tomorrow.  I wish my husband wasn’t at work but I’m glad to be home, in bed with nothing that has to get done tonight, with my dog and some DVR’d shows to watch.

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Blogging

How much is too much?  I haven’t posted to my blog in a while only because I’ve been very busy with work.  I received a promotion and super excited about it!  I LOVE my job.  When I have found some free time it’s been spent going to yoga or spending time with my dog.  I haven’t had a chance to blog even though I’ve been thinking about it.  I have started to follow a few blogs now and get emails once a day that there is a new post.  It’s too much for me to even keep up with.  I created this as an escape from the troubles we are doing through.  Maybe escape isn’t the right word.  More of therapy for myself.  So I may not blog often, but I will when I feel the need.  I also haven’t shared this space with many people so perhaps that is why I don’t feel obligated to post too often.  This is for me and the select people I have chosen to share it with.  However, I do want others out there who are going through the same pain to find this so I can connect with them.

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My Feelings are right and reasonable and don’t need to be justified

When we feel, why do we immediately try to justify those feelings?  It’s hard for me to be happy for friends who have announced they are expecting.  Immediately I feel sad and angry and hopeless.  Then, I feel ashamed that I’m feeling bad for myself and my husband and not feeling joy for my friends.  However, my feelings are my feelings and don’t need to be justified.  Of course I am going to feel sad and angry especially when after my friend told me she is 11 weeks pregnant and didn’t know until 6 days ago (WTF) and after I said congrats and asked if they have been trying for long her response was “no, I went off the pill a few months ago and it just happened”.

I feel like the Universe is punishing me right now and laughing in my face.  I’m on vacation, what is supposed to be much needed rest and relaxation to take my mind off of trying to conceive.  How does my vacation start?  I see a post on facebook of our friends announcing they are pregnant and the baby will arrive in March.  Immediate I feel sick for some reason.  I click on “like” anyways because I should be happy for them.  The guy next to me on the plane is very nice and extremely chatty.  It wasn’t too bad.  We had some good conversation.  Why wouldn’t a stranger on the plane want to know if you have kids?  “Do you have kids”?  My answer was a simple “no”.  He couldn’t ask what I do for a living?  Do I have pets?  What’s my favorite book?  I don’t know…something else.  What I wanted to say was “No, I do not have kids.  I suffered from an ectopic pregnancy a few months ago though and have been trying to get pregnant ever since.  It’s been over one year and a half now that we’ve been trying.  I’m on this plane right now to try and get away for a few days and not focus on the fact that I want kid(s) but can’t seem to have them currently, but thanks for asking.  Would you like to tell me about your kids now”?  Walking through the airport every women I see is pregnant.  My aunt and I go to lunch and we are seated next to two pregnant ladies and a small child.  Then our waitress (tiny little thing) decides for whatever reason to tell us that she is six months pregnant but you can’t tell (really, couldn’t tell).  Why did she decide to tell us that?  My eyes swell up with tears about to drip into my grilled vegetable salad (cuz you know, trying to eat super healthy).  After lunch I call my friend back after she texted me to call her and that’s when she tells me she’s pregnant.

What am I doing wrong?  Why can’t I get pregnant?  Why is it so easy for others?  Sometimes I even focus on the fact that I’m 20 pounds over weight right now (how did that happen?  binge eating..depression…oh well, I’ve had a tough year) and want to blame not getting pregnant on that.  Bull shit.  Obese women get pregnant just fine.  Whatever it is, I just hope one day we get pregnant and have a healthy and happy child.

– After I posted this I went to the spa for a massage and facial.  You’d never believe what I walked into immediately when entering the spa.  An aeriel hammock yoga class full of pregnant women was taking place.  Awesome.

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