Tag Archives: disappointment

Am I being punished?

I found the love of my life, after a first marriage and a lot of mistakes.  With having trouble conceiving I often think that I should just be happy with the life we have together, without children.  I know that both of us would be happy together no matter what.  We know a lot of couples who have struggles and who may not love each other the way that we love each other.  I’m thankful that I can say that I know what true love is.  If we don’t have a baby, I know we’ll be fine and live a rich life full of love for one another.  I can’t help but think that somehow I’m being punished though.  Through my battles of eating disorders and what I consider to be selfishness now (didn’t then), and say I didn’t want children (probably because I never found the right person to have children with until I met my husband), I tend to think that this is my punishment.  I have everything I’d ever want in a partner and soulmate and the universe is telling me I can’t have it all.

It just doesn’t seem fair.  Others have babies all the time without a problem.  Or, without having to go through several doctor appointments and drugs and special timing to have sex.  I’ve done my fair share of over-drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes and I feel like maybe that is why this is happening?  But then I think about crack whores who get pregnant and friends who chain smoked daily for years and years and they got pregnant.  I have a friend who smoked throughout her pregnancies (2) and her kids are amazingly perfect.  So why me, now?  Why do I have to think about my past, my 20’s, having fun, and think that perhaps those years affected me now – wanting to have a child with the man I love.  I now do everything that I need to do to be healthy, yet I’m overweight.  I like to try and blame it on the clomid but I’m sure that’s not it.  People who know me may say I’m not overweight, but I definitely am.  I can’t even lose a few pounds.  I can’t do anything right.  I remember my sister telling me this after she suffered from one (of 3) of her miscarriages.  She was trying to lose a few pounds and felt like she couldn’t even make that happen and felt like a failure (she’s tiny by the way) all the way around.  I tend to tell myself that I’ve been through a lot the past year, so big deal I’m a little overweight.  But then I think, if I was at the perfect weight maybe I wouldn’t have trouble conceiving.  Then again, there is an issue with my husband too and the shape of his sperm.  So I know it’s not just me, but I want to blame it on just me.  I also know people who are severely overweight and they have a ton of healthy children also.

Something my doctor said the other day has stuck with me.  After she explained that it seems perhaps I’m not ovulating and we should see a fertility specialist, I asked her how did I get pregnant once (ectopic) if I don’t ovulate?  She said maybe I got lucky.  Maybe I got lucky!?  I would prefer that we didn’t get pregnant at all.  Maybe I would have found out earlier that I don’t ovulate.  But I took ovulation tests before and they said I was ovulating (time to have sex).  So how can that be?  I found that pregnancy tests don’t lie.  I got one positive one before with the ectopic and I have never gotten a positive one again.  So do the ovulation tests lie?  Or, it’s that I ovulate “late” or something like that.  And, if I were to have gotten lucky that one time, why didn’t it result in a pregnancy that could come to term?

We have had names picked out for a long time.  It sucks when others we know are having babies right and left and perhaps they “stole” our baby name (which is impossible because we’ve only told a few close family members).  I know in the grand scheme of everything, it doesn’t matter if someone we know used the same name that we want that means so much to us.  But it disappoints me knowing that it may be years until we can possibly conceive and have a healthy baby and perhaps we will pick another name by then.  That makes me sad.  I want a baby now and I want to give the baby the name that we want.  I feel like that will never happen.

Tagged , , ,

I’m late! But, not pregnant.

Day 38 of my cycle and no period yet.  Took a million pregnancy tests and went to the doctors office yesterday.  I knew I wasn’t pregnant.  Didn’t feel any of the symptoms.  But I did think it was weird that my period hasn’t arrived yet.  Still hasn’t.  Lots of wet discharge though.  At least twice a day I feel like, oh, here it is and then it’s still clear.  So when the hell will it arrive now?  Clomid f**ked me up that much that my period is taking almost 40 days to arrive?  So the doctor first thought I was ovulating late and now perhaps not ovulating at all.  My husbands sperm shape is in the 1% range and it needs to be 4%, but he has plenty of it we’re told so that’s a good thing.  He went to get a trial wash on Wednesday but turns out the place he went just did a regular analysis (which he did last month and a few times before), so that was a waste of a trip.  Someone not doing their job correctly and following instructions on the doctors order (this place is not affiliated with my doctor thank goodness).  That’s annoying.  The wash was supposed to show if it was a higher percentage, stripped down so we could try artificial insemination.  Since both of us have a little bit of an issue with trying to conceive she recommended seeing a fertility specialist.  So, here we go.  I think it’s total bullshit that everyone and their mother get pregnant at the drop of a hat or when they aren’t even trying or want to have a baby.  I also think it’s total bullshit that we have to go through all of this to become parents when it’s quick and natural for so many.

Our health insurance does have a program that helps with the cost of fertility options, which is really awesome.  There’s one good thing!  I’m waiting to hear back from the nurse who has been assigned to me to tell me which location I’d have to go to.  Then my doctor will let me know if they know anyone there to recommend specifically.  She took blood to check something (I forget) that maybe I need more folic acid and also recommended taking Pregnitude which is a natural reproductive support dietary supplement.  In the mean time, I also need to ask how long do we wait for my period to arrive?  What if it never arrives?  I’ve always been regular so this kind of freaks me out.  Should I take clomid again this month once my period does arrive or can I stop taking it?  I think I’d prefer to stop taking it if I have a choice, but if they say it’ll help me then I suppose I need to continue to take it?  This all sucks and is confusing and shitty.

I’m hoping my medium was right.  She said she was spring time/Easter eggs with any sort of baby news.  Maybe that means we will conceive in the next few months.  Have to have something positive to focus on, right?

I do hot yoga, I walk on the treadmill at the gym, I take a pilates class.  I’m now thinking about acupuncture and an extreme diet of just spinach and sweet potatoes.  Then I think, what does it matter to try certain things because there is always going to be some problem.  I guess we just see the specialist and take it from there.  The place I’m thinking we have to go is not close so that sucks…lots of appointments, far away, interferes with work and what not.  This whole thing just sucks.  Trying to stay positive is difficult.

Tagged , , , , ,

Clomid (Changing Body, Changing Habits and other stuff)

I just finished my 3rd cycle of clomid.  In November I was prescribed 50mg.  Didn’t work.  In December I was prescribed 150mg.  Didn’t work.  In January I was prescribed 100mg.  Didn’t work.  Why did we go down 50mg this month?  Because I was miserable and also had false hope that I was pregnant.  In December I felt like I was in someone else’s body.  My boobs and nipples hurt so bad.  I was fat and bloated all the time and very fatigued.  Since I’ve felt actual pregnancy symptoms before with the ectopic pregnancy, I really thought maybe I was pregnant due to the way I was feeling.  I have a choice at any point in time to stop the clomid.  I just don’t know yet if I want to do that even though I feel like shit on it.

I wish I wasn’t a little bit overweight right now.  I always feel like maybe that would make a difference or help me feel better during this difficult journey of trying to conceive.  It’s my own fault.  I treated my body poorly and didn’t exercise as much the past year after the pregnancy loss.  I’m finally in a place (one year later) that I’m determined to get back to feeling better about myself.  I’ve made healthy changes.  Trying to kick my diet coke habit and limiting caffeine (coffee, yum).  Focusing on the average of 10,000 steps a day (which is sometimes not easy when I have a busy day at work stuck at my desk)!  I’ve been very consistent with hot yoga since the end of June, but that alone has proven to really not do much for me (but give me gratitude, peace, mindfulness, calmness and flexibility – which helps during baby making sessions, ha) in the weight loss area.

What I find frustrating is that those of us having difficulty have to worry about all this stuff.  How much do we weigh?  Do we eat healthy?  Do we drink caffeine?  Do we exercise?  There are SO MANY women out there who are drug addicts, overweight and have a horrible diet that get pregnant.  What about someone who is not fit to be a parent?  Again, so frustrating.

I’ve been taking prenatal vitamins forever along with Metanx which is the natural form of Folgard (folic acid).  It smells and tastes like ass.  I have to take it because of the MTHFR gene mutation I have.  We don’t process Folgard properly so we need the natural form.  I used to not take vitamins at all because they made me feel weird.  But now, I’ve been taking them for over one year because I want to have a baby.  When I took a vitamin before and trying to maintain my weight, I felt that I gained weight while taking vitamins.  I know, weird.  But I swear there is something to that.  Weight gain since I’ve taken vitamins.  But it’s not all about being “skinny” I suppose.  I’m doing this for a reason but there is a part of me that just wants to stop taking all of this shit and get my body back.

At least once a year I like to color my hair just for something fun and new.  Usually I do the 28 day shampoo wash out colors and go for red (I’m light brown naturally).  In December I had the desire to change my hair and really wanted to go lighter (blondish).  I made sure to ask my doctor about coloring hair while trying to get pregnant.  He said that it’s OK to do during the first 2 weeks of my cycle.  I had an appointment booked before Christmas but had to cancel it due to the fact that I COULD have been pregnant and didn’t know it yet.  I booked it for my birthday instead because by that time I would know if I was pregnant or not.  Since unfortunately I was not pregnant, I was able to keep my birthday hair appointment.  I decided (with my stylist) on balyage highlights because my natural roots are kept, along with my natural hair color underneath.  The blond, painted on highlights would be on top but not all the way to the roots.  This way, if I do become pregnant, it won’t look horrible growing out.  Do I like it?  It’s OK.  I have to get used to it.  But I wanted and change and a change I got!  If I don’t get pregnant in a few months I may just go full on blond!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Can’t catch a break

Ever hear of a bartholin cyst?  I haven’t until today.  Earlier in the week I noticed something felt a little off when I wiped after peeing.  I took a quick look and didn’t really see anything.  This kept going on for a few days when suddenly it hurt a bit more.  I took a closer look and there seemed to be a bump on my right labia.  I had my husband look at it and we both figured it was probably just a zit or something in an odd spot.  This has happened to me once or twice before in my life.  The pain got worse and the bump got bigger and harder.  I felt discomfort when I walked and the area was very irritated.  Yesterday it was bigger than ever and really hard.  I googled zit on labia and found a few things regarding zits and cysts.  Suggestions were to take a soak, use baking soda and that eventually it would heal on it’s own.  I couldn’t imagine this huge sucker healing on it’s own.  Today I was in so much pain.  I took a baking soda bath and had my husband look at it again.  He was shocked at the size of it.  In so much pain I decided to call the answering service to my OBGYN’s office.  They got my doctor on the phone and after describing it to him he said it sounds like a bartholin cyst and said they are common and getting it drained is a must.  He suggested I go to the ER (since it’s Sunday) or I can wait to call the office in the morning and get an appointment at one of the 3 offices in the area for tomorrow.  Knowing I have to process payroll tomorrow for over 150 associates, I chose to head to the ER to get this taken care of.  As I checked in with the nurse and told her what I was there for, she asked how do I know?  Explained the conversation I had with my doctor and she seemed to agree.  She immediately showed empathy.  God, this f*cking hurts.  Maybe she’s had one before?  Or maybe she just knows how much it hurts from patients who have had this.  The lady who took my blood pressure gave me a sad face look too, like, “oh honey, I know you must be in a lot of pain”.  Then she said, “oh, those are from shaving”.  I did read that on one of the several links I pulled up on the internet but I don’t put a razor on my labia!  Who does?  There isn’t even hair there.  Sure I shave my bikini line but wouldn’t the cyst develop there then?  I chat with her as she walks me to room 49 and mentioned last time I was here was for methotrexate for an ectopic pregnancy.  She said she would pray for me.  That was nice of her.  I was just chatting saying this really sucks and it hurts a lot and if it’s not one thing it’s another since our journey to become parents.  We get to room 49 and someone is in there.  She then says, “oh, an ambulance must have arrived with a patient” (so it didn’t show in the system?).  I followed her through the area where doctors are and she asked me to wait there.  I hear the medics asking the patient in room 49 if she has a history of cutting herself.  That reminds me that my life isn’t all that bad and I felt sorry for the patient in that room.  She gets me into room 45.  I take my pants off and get comfy, turn on the TV and watch an episode of House Hunters Renovation on HGTV.

My husband and I just drove back from a 3 hour drive after visiting family.  He had to go to work so I drove myself to the ER.  I wish he could have been with me.  Finally the doctor came in and took a look.  He confirmed it was a bartholin cyst.  I asked my many questions.  How is this caused?  Is this common?  Now that it’s happened to me is it likely to continue to return (something I read online)?  Do I have to take antibiotics (because I don’t want to with actively trying for a baby)?  Can I still have sex, since we are trying for a baby?  You are going to insert a small catheter?  Will it hurt?  How long will it stay in?  Can you take a blood test to see if I’m pregnant now even though I took a home pregnancy test yesterday and it was negative?  You want to give me pain meds?  I don’t want them because I could possibly be pregnant.  Ugh.  So many questions and I feel defeated.  Another shitty thing is happening to me.  To us.  In the process of wanting to become pregnant.

They were very nice to me and explained everything.  There is no real cause.  The gland just gets blocked somehow and a cyst forms.  Mine was the size of a large cashew and was definitely infected.  They occur and sometimes people don’t even know they are there and they go away on their own.  Not me!  Mr. Cashew wanted to be seen and felt.  The bright side?  It wasn’t the size of a golf ball or larger which could happen.  I asked for something to squeeze before they put a f*cking needle into my labia.  I was handed a wad of gauze.  Before this happened I heard ambulance patient screaming things like “get away from me”…blah blah.  I reminded myself again that I don’t have it so bad.  Once the gauze was in hand and she told me she was ready to begin I felt the worst pain ever.  She poked me 4 or more times with a needle in my right labia to numb it.  Now I was that patient in the other room but I screamed “F*CK and JESUS CHRIST” more than once while practically lifting my pelvic to the ceiling wanting to jump off the bed.  They leave me be for a bit to let the numbing take place.  I’m glad I didn’t have mascara on or I would have walked out of there looking like Alice Cooper.  Then, there is a knock on the door from the hallway (not the area the doctor comes in from).  It’s a lady looking for her mother’s slippers.  Really!?  I replied that someone is in here and there are no slippers.  She then asked if I was dressed/covered.  I replied yes.  She walked right in, all smiles, saying sorry and looked for slippers.  Not there.  Seriously?  See you later a**hole.

Once they were down there attempting to put the word catheter in, I didn’t feel a thing.  Thank God.  They claimed it would just take one second though.  Before they started they did ask me again if I was sure I didn’t want any pain medicine.  I declined in case I was pregnant and they wouldn’t do a blood test to see if I was, saying it was too soon and it wouldn’t show since my last period was 10/5.  I said no medicine.  Plus I drove myself.  I was advised to take some tylenol.  Ok, that I can do.  So, one second was more like 5 minutes (watching the clock).  Again, thank God I can’t feel anything.  Turns out that my cyst wasn’t big enough to take the word catheter.  It didn’t want to stay in.  I guess that’s a plus!?  At least I would not have to go back to doctor’s office to get it removed in a week or so.  They stuffed it with gauze and said it’ll fall out on it’s own or I can remove it myself tomorrow.  In the mean time keep it dry and no hot yoga for a day or so (darn it..that’s my happy place at 6pm on Mondays).

It now just stings.  A lot.  I’m afraid to look at it or go to the bathroom.  I’m so uncomfortable but I feel like I’m probably not as uncomfortable as I was with a blood and puss filled cyst on my labia.  I’ll have to wait and see what I feel like tomorrow.  I wish my husband wasn’t at work but I’m glad to be home, in bed with nothing that has to get done tonight, with my dog and some DVR’d shows to watch.

Tagged , , , , ,

Sexy Time Isn’t So Sexy Anymore

Sex is supposed to be fun, right?  I think it’s definitely true that when you first meet someone you do this more often than not.  Once married, it does change.  It has to do with normal routines and opposite works schedules I’m sure.  It’s not that you don’t want to share an intimate moment with your significant other.  It just turns into a chore, if you will.  We try to make it fun. Turns out, it’s not so sexy when trying to have a baby.  People say “oh, the fun of trying”.  What fun?  Does fun include you telling your husband that your discharge is extra dischargy so it’s time to “make a baby”?  Does fun include having to use lube (Pre-Seed specifically because oil based lubes aren’t good for getting pregnant) because we don’t have a lot of time between work schedules..we just have to get it done?  Does fun include NOT having oral sex because saliva could interfere with baby making too?  So, how sexy is sex when trying to make a baby?  Not very sexy.

If you read my post “Self-Sabotage” you will also know that this plays a part in the game of baby making.  I don’t feel sexy. I’m sexy to my husband but not sexy to myself.  I want lights off, me on bottom and preferably with my shirt on.  How sexy is that!?  I’ve learned that I’m sexy to him no matter what though so I’ve overcome those types of issues.  Sometimes.  Not always.  But, the last time we made love (for a baby during ovulation time) I let myself go.  I didn’t think about my fat or the lights.  I did what he wanted by being on top and guest what!?  I survived!  So I’m going to try and focus on sexy time becoming sexy again.

Another reason I can’t focus on sexy time being sexy is that I had some major itching problems going on down there (now taken care of).  Who knew that when you have increased sexual activity, the PH balance of your vagina is off?  And, my bum was itching so badly that I felt like there was never a time I was not scratching it.  I would do it at home (scratch, in front of my husband) and at work in the privacy of my own office.  Every time my husband saw me do it and be disgusted (um, he does disgusting things in front of me too) I’d say that he has to live with it!  It finally dawned on me that I needed to see the doctor about it ASAP when I chose to scratch in a hallway at work that I knew no one would be walking down at that time.

I went to the doctor and explained my troubles.  He looked and his first reaction was “wow, that’s really raw”.  Um, ya.  We talked about what the possible causes could be.  He said that increased sex could be one.  Effecting the PH balance in my vag.  I then explain that I tend to lay in bed after with my legs up for a better chance of getting pregnant (ha, is this for real?) and perhaps my husbands semen is doing this to me?  Am I allergic to his semen!?  We used condoms before trying to get pregnant.  And sometimes when we didn’t he’d release on my stomach and then my belly button would be irritated.  Am I allergic to my husband!?  The doctor seems to think it’s not an allergy (thank goodness) but I definitely had some stuff going on down there.  After a diflucan pill and some cream for my bum, I’m doing much better.  Haven’t scratched in a while.

So now that I’m itch free….maybe the sexy in sexy time will come back.  I’ve also been advised to NOT lay there with his semen all over my vag.  Wipe it up, take a shower (before and after – that makes sexy time even more fun right?  All these things you have to do to get prepared)?  Friends have told me that’s the trick though.  Lay there.  I’ve read that too.  So does it really work?  In our case, not really since it makes me itch!

Trying to make a baby takes away from “sexy time”.  Instead of just a feeling of wanting to be with your significant other, it’s more of a “we have to do this NOW” type thing.  Could we make it more sexy during ovulation time?  Sure.  But our schedules don’t really allow that.  We don’t have the same schedule.  I have the nice M-F 9 to 5 gig and he does not.  So even if we tried to make it a 12 hr, 24 hr, 36 hr lapse during ovulation, it will never work.  If we had to get that scientific, we’d have to meet in a parking lot somewhere and get it done!

My weight and body issues don’t add anything good to this mix either.  Prime ovulation time may be me feeling like a whale.  It’s definitely not so sexy then.  I feel bad for my husband at this point.  I won’t not have sex during prime time since it’s great baby making time, but I’m not feeling it nor do I feel like I’m giving the best I can towards him.

Oh the joys of trying to make a baby!  I commit to myself to try and make sexy time more enjoyable, at all times, by putting my disorder, body image, and goal for making a baby aside.  Husband and wife should be able to have sexy time just because they want sexy time!

So here’s to making sexy time, actually sexy!

Tagged , , , ,

Self-Sabotage

My weight has fluctuated up and down my entire life, totaling 141 pounds.  Wow.  Just did the math from when I was a teenager and became so obsessed with not eating (very limited) resulting in a 27 pound weight loss taking me down to 97 pounds, to today, including the several times I was up and down.  That doesn’t count a few pounds up and down here and there.  And to think there are some people who have never had problems with their weight or just have a great metabolism and are naturally skinny.  Why can’t I be one of those people?  I’ve lost weight on Jenny Craig and on Weight Watchers (not the first time as a teen – that was just really unhealthy).  I know what my happy weight is (at least the magic number on the scale) but yet I seem to always “let myself go”.  I sabotage myself.  I know what I’m doing and I know how to fix it, but I don’t.  I binge eat and drink.  Everything in my life is good.  Great husband, beautiful home, awesome job, dear friends and family and the best doggy and two cats in the world…but I have this one stupid thing that I could do without.  Then again, can I do without it?  Is this what an addiction to something is like?  I let this stupid eating disorder and body image disorder rule my life.  I take medication for depression yet that doesn’t always seem to help.  My thoughts are CONSTANTLY on my body and how fat it is.  I think about the fat hanging over my pants and my thighs spreading out in the chair I’m sitting in and my arm fat bulging out of my tops where the tops fit the rest of me just fine.  When I’m doing yoga and trying to meditate I’m thinking about my fat.  I am envious of women who truly are happy with their bodies when they have a few extra pounds on them.  I’d like to think that I can be that person – comfortable in my own skin no matter what – but I’m not.  I’m not comfortable in my own skin when I’m overweight.  I finally realized that most people aren’t looking at me thinking what I’m thinking about myself.  It probably doesn’t cross their mind when looking at me that I’m “fat”.  They look at me for me.  But when I look at me (pictures recently) I don’t see me.  I don’t know who that body belongs to.  I let the hatred towards my body define me.  Why?  Funny thing is too, when I’m “skinny” I still don’t like to “show off” my body.  I don’t wear shorts.  Period.  When I’m “fat”, I think, man, I should have worn shorts and other things that skinny girls can wear.  Oh what I’d do to be able to be skinny and wear those things now.  I have an awesome wardrobe.  In so many sizes (0 to 8). I know it’s really bad when I start wearing the same things over and over again just because they are comfortable and I feel those clothes also help hide my fat.  It’s too bad really.  All those cute clothes going to waste.  I also feel that I don’t dress myself up to look nice either.  I feel like a frump.

Feeling like this also doesn’t help while my husband and I are trying to get pregnant.  After suffering an ectopic pregnancy I feel like I’ve been sabotaging myself more since the termination.  Termination.  Sounds horrible.  I know the baby couldn’t survive, but there still was a baby growing inside of me.  When perhaps I should have been treating my body like a temple after that loss, I started treating it worse.  Like I’m punishing myself.  I have feelings of hopelessness about becoming a mom and my husband becoming a dad.  I used to say that I didn’t want children.  Honestly I think I said that before because I couldn’t imagine being pregnant and being fat and gaining weight.  How stupid is that?  Still, that’s what I think.  I also didn’t know my husband back then and finding him, the one person on this earth made for me, I believe that also changed my thoughts on having a child.  I want nothing more than to be a mom and a parent to a healthy baby with my husband.

Every week I come up with a new plan.  I’m going to do this and not that.  I’m going to eat only fruit and veggies.  I’m going to exercise like crazy.  Then I slip.  I let one small slip turn into a huge slip.  Then try to start all over again.  A healthy moderation of everything would be great.  I’ve been there at some points in my life and want to get there again.  The stress and obsession of trying to get pregnant probably doesn’t help.  The worst part is when people say “just relax”.  Are you kidding me?

Tagged , , , , ,