Category Archives: Trying to get pregnant

It’s been one year

One year ago today we were informed that our first pregnancy was ectopic and I was injected with a shot of methotrexate.  The worst day of my life.  One year later, it doesn’t hurt any less.  We try every month to conceive (and now with the help of clomid) and come up disappointed over and over again.  I feel a punch to my gut every time I see an announcement that a friend is expecting or a baby was just born.  Actually a friend and her husband were told that they would not be able to conceive without the help of IVF (both having some sort of a problem) and a few weeks later she took a test and is pregnant.  While I’m happy for them I can’t help but think why can’t that be us?  We’ve been trying longer and have gone through so much heartache already.  I also hope that it is a healthy pregnancy too and they don’t find out at their first appointment next week that it’s ectopic.

My husband got me the greatest gift for my birthday a few weeks ago.  It’s actually being made and sized so we don’t have it yet.  It’s an eternity ring to stack on top of my wedding band filled with diamonds and sapphires.  Sapphires are the birthstone for September and that is when our baby would have been due.  It’s also my husband’s birth month.

I had plans for today – clean the house and organize a few things- but I can’t seem to get out of bed.  I want to just lay in the dark and hopefully fall asleep all day long so I don’t hear my thoughts of sadness and loss of hope.  I think I can allow myself to do that.  Chores can wait and tomorrow is a new day.

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Clomid (Changing Body, Changing Habits and other stuff)

I just finished my 3rd cycle of clomid.  In November I was prescribed 50mg.  Didn’t work.  In December I was prescribed 150mg.  Didn’t work.  In January I was prescribed 100mg.  Didn’t work.  Why did we go down 50mg this month?  Because I was miserable and also had false hope that I was pregnant.  In December I felt like I was in someone else’s body.  My boobs and nipples hurt so bad.  I was fat and bloated all the time and very fatigued.  Since I’ve felt actual pregnancy symptoms before with the ectopic pregnancy, I really thought maybe I was pregnant due to the way I was feeling.  I have a choice at any point in time to stop the clomid.  I just don’t know yet if I want to do that even though I feel like shit on it.

I wish I wasn’t a little bit overweight right now.  I always feel like maybe that would make a difference or help me feel better during this difficult journey of trying to conceive.  It’s my own fault.  I treated my body poorly and didn’t exercise as much the past year after the pregnancy loss.  I’m finally in a place (one year later) that I’m determined to get back to feeling better about myself.  I’ve made healthy changes.  Trying to kick my diet coke habit and limiting caffeine (coffee, yum).  Focusing on the average of 10,000 steps a day (which is sometimes not easy when I have a busy day at work stuck at my desk)!  I’ve been very consistent with hot yoga since the end of June, but that alone has proven to really not do much for me (but give me gratitude, peace, mindfulness, calmness and flexibility – which helps during baby making sessions, ha) in the weight loss area.

What I find frustrating is that those of us having difficulty have to worry about all this stuff.  How much do we weigh?  Do we eat healthy?  Do we drink caffeine?  Do we exercise?  There are SO MANY women out there who are drug addicts, overweight and have a horrible diet that get pregnant.  What about someone who is not fit to be a parent?  Again, so frustrating.

I’ve been taking prenatal vitamins forever along with Metanx which is the natural form of Folgard (folic acid).  It smells and tastes like ass.  I have to take it because of the MTHFR gene mutation I have.  We don’t process Folgard properly so we need the natural form.  I used to not take vitamins at all because they made me feel weird.  But now, I’ve been taking them for over one year because I want to have a baby.  When I took a vitamin before and trying to maintain my weight, I felt that I gained weight while taking vitamins.  I know, weird.  But I swear there is something to that.  Weight gain since I’ve taken vitamins.  But it’s not all about being “skinny” I suppose.  I’m doing this for a reason but there is a part of me that just wants to stop taking all of this shit and get my body back.

At least once a year I like to color my hair just for something fun and new.  Usually I do the 28 day shampoo wash out colors and go for red (I’m light brown naturally).  In December I had the desire to change my hair and really wanted to go lighter (blondish).  I made sure to ask my doctor about coloring hair while trying to get pregnant.  He said that it’s OK to do during the first 2 weeks of my cycle.  I had an appointment booked before Christmas but had to cancel it due to the fact that I COULD have been pregnant and didn’t know it yet.  I booked it for my birthday instead because by that time I would know if I was pregnant or not.  Since unfortunately I was not pregnant, I was able to keep my birthday hair appointment.  I decided (with my stylist) on balyage highlights because my natural roots are kept, along with my natural hair color underneath.  The blond, painted on highlights would be on top but not all the way to the roots.  This way, if I do become pregnant, it won’t look horrible growing out.  Do I like it?  It’s OK.  I have to get used to it.  But I wanted and change and a change I got!  If I don’t get pregnant in a few months I may just go full on blond!

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Where is my Holiday Cheer?

It’s that time of year.  Thanksgiving has passed.  While I’m full of gratitude for a lot of things (my husband, our dog whom we consider our daughter, our cats, our home, our jobs and our wonderful family and friends), it’s hard to feel any sort of holiday cheer right now.  Now, it’s onto Christmas and Hanukkah and all the shopping that comes with it.  I have no desire.  None.  I walk into a store and walk right out (thank goodness for online shopping).  I’ve even asked my husband if it’s ok if we not put the tree up this year because it’s such a hassle.  He seems ok with that.  While the holidays are full of presents (it’s totally fun to open presents and get new things), it should be more about spending quality time with the ones you love.  That’s what I keep telling myself when I don’t feel like shopping and buying gifts.  I think the problem is, I’d rather be buying baby things for us, hoping that we were pregnant.  I constantly see families with kids doing fun holiday traditions together.  Tree lightings.  Polar Express rides.  Reindeer petting farms.  Elf on a Shelf.  Whatever.  We have fun doing those things together and possibly with our dog (if dogs are allowed) but it’s not the same when you wish you had a child of your own.  We also have an adorable niece and nephew that we constantly see pics of that fill our hearts with love (we don’t get to see them too often) but I still feel sad watching them, knowing we don’t have any kids of our own.  My husband and I took our dog for a walk today and talked a little bit about this…how long to keep trying and what is next.  We pretty much decided to keep doing what we are doing through the winter and then we look into more options.  We also are ok with deciding, if it comes to that, to stop trying and live a life full of love together.  We are in this situation due to our age.  If we were younger, I don’t think we’d worry so much, or even talk yet about what if we don’t have children.  We are doing everything right.  It doesn’t make sense that we aren’t pregnant yet and it’s just not fair.  I also have another cyst on my vagina.  Luckily it’s not on my labia like last time so it doesn’t hurt as bad and warm compresses seem to help.  It’s still just not fair.  Why is this happening to me?  Why am I always in discomfort and not getting pregnant in the process?

A lot of days when I’m alone I find myself feeling depressed or bored or wondering what to do with myself.  I’m sad.  I want to find joy in the small things but it’s hard.  Every time I look at a picture of someone’s kid I wonder what our kid would look like.  Would our kid smile so big and giggle like that?  Or is that just a dream?  Then, there are possibilities that something could go wrong in pregnancy and that is scary too.  After all the disappointment we’ve been through, could we handle a challenge if we were to get pregnant and something was wrong?

I just want to stop feeling sad and defeated and disappointed all of the time.  I think I’ll only find that joy and “holiday cheer” back if I were to become pregnant (a healthy pregnancy please).  I don’t want to feel sad all of the time either, so how do I get over that if I never do get pregnant?

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My Feelings are right and reasonable and don’t need to be justified

When we feel, why do we immediately try to justify those feelings?  It’s hard for me to be happy for friends who have announced they are expecting.  Immediately I feel sad and angry and hopeless.  Then, I feel ashamed that I’m feeling bad for myself and my husband and not feeling joy for my friends.  However, my feelings are my feelings and don’t need to be justified.  Of course I am going to feel sad and angry especially when after my friend told me she is 11 weeks pregnant and didn’t know until 6 days ago (WTF) and after I said congrats and asked if they have been trying for long her response was “no, I went off the pill a few months ago and it just happened”.

I feel like the Universe is punishing me right now and laughing in my face.  I’m on vacation, what is supposed to be much needed rest and relaxation to take my mind off of trying to conceive.  How does my vacation start?  I see a post on facebook of our friends announcing they are pregnant and the baby will arrive in March.  Immediate I feel sick for some reason.  I click on “like” anyways because I should be happy for them.  The guy next to me on the plane is very nice and extremely chatty.  It wasn’t too bad.  We had some good conversation.  Why wouldn’t a stranger on the plane want to know if you have kids?  “Do you have kids”?  My answer was a simple “no”.  He couldn’t ask what I do for a living?  Do I have pets?  What’s my favorite book?  I don’t know…something else.  What I wanted to say was “No, I do not have kids.  I suffered from an ectopic pregnancy a few months ago though and have been trying to get pregnant ever since.  It’s been over one year and a half now that we’ve been trying.  I’m on this plane right now to try and get away for a few days and not focus on the fact that I want kid(s) but can’t seem to have them currently, but thanks for asking.  Would you like to tell me about your kids now”?  Walking through the airport every women I see is pregnant.  My aunt and I go to lunch and we are seated next to two pregnant ladies and a small child.  Then our waitress (tiny little thing) decides for whatever reason to tell us that she is six months pregnant but you can’t tell (really, couldn’t tell).  Why did she decide to tell us that?  My eyes swell up with tears about to drip into my grilled vegetable salad (cuz you know, trying to eat super healthy).  After lunch I call my friend back after she texted me to call her and that’s when she tells me she’s pregnant.

What am I doing wrong?  Why can’t I get pregnant?  Why is it so easy for others?  Sometimes I even focus on the fact that I’m 20 pounds over weight right now (how did that happen?  binge eating..depression…oh well, I’ve had a tough year) and want to blame not getting pregnant on that.  Bull shit.  Obese women get pregnant just fine.  Whatever it is, I just hope one day we get pregnant and have a healthy and happy child.

– After I posted this I went to the spa for a massage and facial.  You’d never believe what I walked into immediately when entering the spa.  An aeriel hammock yoga class full of pregnant women was taking place.  Awesome.

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Sexy Time Isn’t So Sexy Anymore

Sex is supposed to be fun, right?  I think it’s definitely true that when you first meet someone you do this more often than not.  Once married, it does change.  It has to do with normal routines and opposite works schedules I’m sure.  It’s not that you don’t want to share an intimate moment with your significant other.  It just turns into a chore, if you will.  We try to make it fun. Turns out, it’s not so sexy when trying to have a baby.  People say “oh, the fun of trying”.  What fun?  Does fun include you telling your husband that your discharge is extra dischargy so it’s time to “make a baby”?  Does fun include having to use lube (Pre-Seed specifically because oil based lubes aren’t good for getting pregnant) because we don’t have a lot of time between work schedules..we just have to get it done?  Does fun include NOT having oral sex because saliva could interfere with baby making too?  So, how sexy is sex when trying to make a baby?  Not very sexy.

If you read my post “Self-Sabotage” you will also know that this plays a part in the game of baby making.  I don’t feel sexy. I’m sexy to my husband but not sexy to myself.  I want lights off, me on bottom and preferably with my shirt on.  How sexy is that!?  I’ve learned that I’m sexy to him no matter what though so I’ve overcome those types of issues.  Sometimes.  Not always.  But, the last time we made love (for a baby during ovulation time) I let myself go.  I didn’t think about my fat or the lights.  I did what he wanted by being on top and guest what!?  I survived!  So I’m going to try and focus on sexy time becoming sexy again.

Another reason I can’t focus on sexy time being sexy is that I had some major itching problems going on down there (now taken care of).  Who knew that when you have increased sexual activity, the PH balance of your vagina is off?  And, my bum was itching so badly that I felt like there was never a time I was not scratching it.  I would do it at home (scratch, in front of my husband) and at work in the privacy of my own office.  Every time my husband saw me do it and be disgusted (um, he does disgusting things in front of me too) I’d say that he has to live with it!  It finally dawned on me that I needed to see the doctor about it ASAP when I chose to scratch in a hallway at work that I knew no one would be walking down at that time.

I went to the doctor and explained my troubles.  He looked and his first reaction was “wow, that’s really raw”.  Um, ya.  We talked about what the possible causes could be.  He said that increased sex could be one.  Effecting the PH balance in my vag.  I then explain that I tend to lay in bed after with my legs up for a better chance of getting pregnant (ha, is this for real?) and perhaps my husbands semen is doing this to me?  Am I allergic to his semen!?  We used condoms before trying to get pregnant.  And sometimes when we didn’t he’d release on my stomach and then my belly button would be irritated.  Am I allergic to my husband!?  The doctor seems to think it’s not an allergy (thank goodness) but I definitely had some stuff going on down there.  After a diflucan pill and some cream for my bum, I’m doing much better.  Haven’t scratched in a while.

So now that I’m itch free….maybe the sexy in sexy time will come back.  I’ve also been advised to NOT lay there with his semen all over my vag.  Wipe it up, take a shower (before and after – that makes sexy time even more fun right?  All these things you have to do to get prepared)?  Friends have told me that’s the trick though.  Lay there.  I’ve read that too.  So does it really work?  In our case, not really since it makes me itch!

Trying to make a baby takes away from “sexy time”.  Instead of just a feeling of wanting to be with your significant other, it’s more of a “we have to do this NOW” type thing.  Could we make it more sexy during ovulation time?  Sure.  But our schedules don’t really allow that.  We don’t have the same schedule.  I have the nice M-F 9 to 5 gig and he does not.  So even if we tried to make it a 12 hr, 24 hr, 36 hr lapse during ovulation, it will never work.  If we had to get that scientific, we’d have to meet in a parking lot somewhere and get it done!

My weight and body issues don’t add anything good to this mix either.  Prime ovulation time may be me feeling like a whale.  It’s definitely not so sexy then.  I feel bad for my husband at this point.  I won’t not have sex during prime time since it’s great baby making time, but I’m not feeling it nor do I feel like I’m giving the best I can towards him.

Oh the joys of trying to make a baby!  I commit to myself to try and make sexy time more enjoyable, at all times, by putting my disorder, body image, and goal for making a baby aside.  Husband and wife should be able to have sexy time just because they want sexy time!

So here’s to making sexy time, actually sexy!

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Self-Sabotage

My weight has fluctuated up and down my entire life, totaling 141 pounds.  Wow.  Just did the math from when I was a teenager and became so obsessed with not eating (very limited) resulting in a 27 pound weight loss taking me down to 97 pounds, to today, including the several times I was up and down.  That doesn’t count a few pounds up and down here and there.  And to think there are some people who have never had problems with their weight or just have a great metabolism and are naturally skinny.  Why can’t I be one of those people?  I’ve lost weight on Jenny Craig and on Weight Watchers (not the first time as a teen – that was just really unhealthy).  I know what my happy weight is (at least the magic number on the scale) but yet I seem to always “let myself go”.  I sabotage myself.  I know what I’m doing and I know how to fix it, but I don’t.  I binge eat and drink.  Everything in my life is good.  Great husband, beautiful home, awesome job, dear friends and family and the best doggy and two cats in the world…but I have this one stupid thing that I could do without.  Then again, can I do without it?  Is this what an addiction to something is like?  I let this stupid eating disorder and body image disorder rule my life.  I take medication for depression yet that doesn’t always seem to help.  My thoughts are CONSTANTLY on my body and how fat it is.  I think about the fat hanging over my pants and my thighs spreading out in the chair I’m sitting in and my arm fat bulging out of my tops where the tops fit the rest of me just fine.  When I’m doing yoga and trying to meditate I’m thinking about my fat.  I am envious of women who truly are happy with their bodies when they have a few extra pounds on them.  I’d like to think that I can be that person – comfortable in my own skin no matter what – but I’m not.  I’m not comfortable in my own skin when I’m overweight.  I finally realized that most people aren’t looking at me thinking what I’m thinking about myself.  It probably doesn’t cross their mind when looking at me that I’m “fat”.  They look at me for me.  But when I look at me (pictures recently) I don’t see me.  I don’t know who that body belongs to.  I let the hatred towards my body define me.  Why?  Funny thing is too, when I’m “skinny” I still don’t like to “show off” my body.  I don’t wear shorts.  Period.  When I’m “fat”, I think, man, I should have worn shorts and other things that skinny girls can wear.  Oh what I’d do to be able to be skinny and wear those things now.  I have an awesome wardrobe.  In so many sizes (0 to 8). I know it’s really bad when I start wearing the same things over and over again just because they are comfortable and I feel those clothes also help hide my fat.  It’s too bad really.  All those cute clothes going to waste.  I also feel that I don’t dress myself up to look nice either.  I feel like a frump.

Feeling like this also doesn’t help while my husband and I are trying to get pregnant.  After suffering an ectopic pregnancy I feel like I’ve been sabotaging myself more since the termination.  Termination.  Sounds horrible.  I know the baby couldn’t survive, but there still was a baby growing inside of me.  When perhaps I should have been treating my body like a temple after that loss, I started treating it worse.  Like I’m punishing myself.  I have feelings of hopelessness about becoming a mom and my husband becoming a dad.  I used to say that I didn’t want children.  Honestly I think I said that before because I couldn’t imagine being pregnant and being fat and gaining weight.  How stupid is that?  Still, that’s what I think.  I also didn’t know my husband back then and finding him, the one person on this earth made for me, I believe that also changed my thoughts on having a child.  I want nothing more than to be a mom and a parent to a healthy baby with my husband.

Every week I come up with a new plan.  I’m going to do this and not that.  I’m going to eat only fruit and veggies.  I’m going to exercise like crazy.  Then I slip.  I let one small slip turn into a huge slip.  Then try to start all over again.  A healthy moderation of everything would be great.  I’ve been there at some points in my life and want to get there again.  The stress and obsession of trying to get pregnant probably doesn’t help.  The worst part is when people say “just relax”.  Are you kidding me?

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