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G.U.I.L.T

Wow.  It’s been over two years since I’ve blogged.  Many things have changed.  One day I will work on sharing my birth story.  I am a proud mother to our perfect daughter, Olive.  She was born on Christmas Day 2015.

I started seeing a therapist last week to assist with sorting out some feelings and to work on myself for the better.  Today I told her that I tend to feel guilty when I think about the child that we lost because of what we have now.  She suggested an exercise on thinking of words for GUILT and using those to channel any guilty feelings to something positive.

On the spot, this is what I came up with: Gratitude, Unity, Intuition, Laughter & Teamwork.

Looking for the thing to fill the void

Love your mistakes just as much as you adore your triumphs.

You will never have to force anything that’s truly meant to be.

Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.

Someday, everything will make perfect sense.  So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.

Those are just a few of the quotes that I’ve recently added to my pinterest account.  Something happened the other day and soon enough I realized that I was trying to look for a sign that wasn’t there and fill the void of the loss of our baby and the void there is of another baby not happening right now for us.  I was going through my facebook feed and saw a picture of a cute little doggie up for adoption through the rescue where we adopted our dog.  Her picture is what first caught my eye, then I saw her name.  Her name is the name that we want to name our daughter (if we have a baby one day, and it’s a girl).  I believe that I took that as a sign that perhaps we need to adopt her!  It felt comforting that I know and respect that rescue group.  I left a comment that perhaps our dog and this dog should have a play date.  They took me up on the offer right away!  After talking to my husband we agreed that we would meet up with the foster parents on Saturday to have a meet and greet with our dog and this dog.  We have to meet 1/2 way, which was close to 2 hours for both of us.  During the meeting things were just fine.  My husband fell in love immediately.  I got emotional and started to cry.  I knew right then that perhaps it’s not the best thing to bring her home with us (for a trial period).  My gut was saying at that time she should not come home with us.  Then my husband and I agreed we would do this trial for a few days and see how it goes (we also have 2 cats, so they come into play also with the acceptance of a new fur sibling).  Lola (that’s what I am calling her which is not the name the rescue gave her..because I can’t call her that name, as it may be the name of my daughter one day), was comfortable right away in the car.  Happy.  Our doggie was great too.  Once we were home though she was a little jealous of Lola.  I make sure to sort of keep my distance from Lola to not fall hard for her fast.  I was also worried about our dog and her being jealous.  Throughout the day today they have been fine actually.  I messaged the rescue contact that we will not be adopting Lola though as I felt that perhaps I was just trying to fill a void of the baby loss.  Now that I’m home with both doggies I feel like perhaps it could work out.  But then I’d look like an idiot to the rescue group and maybe they won’t want to let us adopt her now after I said we weren’t going to adopt her!

A few moments ago though I didn’t feel exactly that way.  So when I say I need to stick to my gut feeling, this is why:

* For some reason I was emotional and didn’t feel an immediate connection at the meet and greet.  I found it necessary for my husband and I to talk away from the foster parents to have a private conversation.  Maybe it was because I wasn’t to say sorry, this was a mistake driving here and we need to leave without Lola.  I had tears in my eyes.  My husband perhaps should have caught onto that that perhaps it wasn’t best to take Lola home.  I agreed that we’d give it a try like we said though since we drove all this way and all.

*In a way it reminds me of my previous marriage.  Yup, I was married before in my mid 20’s.  Obviously, that didn’t work out.  My ex husband had a dog before I met him, who soon became my dog too of course!  Then one day, he decided to adopt a 9 year old boxer without my input.  I resented him for that.  I didn’t love the boxer as much as our dog.  That wasn’t fair to her.  In a way I feel like if we were to adopt another dog right now, I would feel the same way I did in my previous marriage with the other dogs and that’s not fair to them.  I don’t want to resent anyone.

*I sneezed a ton yesterday with Lola.  She probably needs a good bath but it’s possible that I’m allergic to her.  I’ve always been allergic to animal hair but outgrew it.  I’m sneezing and feeling not great now.  It could be that I am just getting sick and it’s a coincidence.

*The cats don’t seem to mind her, but actually did hiss at her today.

I just know that adding another fur baby to the family won’t fill the void of having a baby.  That’s not fair to Lola.  She deserves a good home and she will get one, no doubt.  If the day comes when we would have to decide to stop trying treatments for infertility and perhaps can never have a baby, then maybe, maybe we should adopt another dog.  Right now is just not the time.  Especially when I need to focus on myself and my health and focus on trying to have that baby that we really want.  It makes me sad but I know it’s the right thing.  My husband wants to keep her but at this point I think I feel like I’d just be giving in to make him happy if I said yes we can keep her.  Sometimes we just have to stick to what our gut initially said.  Sure, we wish we didn’t even bring her home then, but we did and we have to follow through with that we think is best.

Mistakes are forgivable as long as you have the courage to admit them.

Blogging

How much is too much?  I haven’t posted to my blog in a while only because I’ve been very busy with work.  I received a promotion and super excited about it!  I LOVE my job.  When I have found some free time it’s been spent going to yoga or spending time with my dog.  I haven’t had a chance to blog even though I’ve been thinking about it.  I have started to follow a few blogs now and get emails once a day that there is a new post.  It’s too much for me to even keep up with.  I created this as an escape from the troubles we are doing through.  Maybe escape isn’t the right word.  More of therapy for myself.  So I may not blog often, but I will when I feel the need.  I also haven’t shared this space with many people so perhaps that is why I don’t feel obligated to post too often.  This is for me and the select people I have chosen to share it with.  However, I do want others out there who are going through the same pain to find this so I can connect with them.

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