It’s that time of year. Thanksgiving has passed. While I’m full of gratitude for a lot of things (my husband, our dog whom we consider our daughter, our cats, our home, our jobs and our wonderful family and friends), it’s hard to feel any sort of holiday cheer right now. Now, it’s onto Christmas and Hanukkah and all the shopping that comes with it. I have no desire. None. I walk into a store and walk right out (thank goodness for online shopping). I’ve even asked my husband if it’s ok if we not put the tree up this year because it’s such a hassle. He seems ok with that. While the holidays are full of presents (it’s totally fun to open presents and get new things), it should be more about spending quality time with the ones you love. That’s what I keep telling myself when I don’t feel like shopping and buying gifts. I think the problem is, I’d rather be buying baby things for us, hoping that we were pregnant. I constantly see families with kids doing fun holiday traditions together. Tree lightings. Polar Express rides. Reindeer petting farms. Elf on a Shelf. Whatever. We have fun doing those things together and possibly with our dog (if dogs are allowed) but it’s not the same when you wish you had a child of your own. We also have an adorable niece and nephew that we constantly see pics of that fill our hearts with love (we don’t get to see them too often) but I still feel sad watching them, knowing we don’t have any kids of our own. My husband and I took our dog for a walk today and talked a little bit about this…how long to keep trying and what is next. We pretty much decided to keep doing what we are doing through the winter and then we look into more options. We also are ok with deciding, if it comes to that, to stop trying and live a life full of love together. We are in this situation due to our age. If we were younger, I don’t think we’d worry so much, or even talk yet about what if we don’t have children. We are doing everything right. It doesn’t make sense that we aren’t pregnant yet and it’s just not fair. I also have another cyst on my vagina. Luckily it’s not on my labia like last time so it doesn’t hurt as bad and warm compresses seem to help. It’s still just not fair. Why is this happening to me? Why am I always in discomfort and not getting pregnant in the process?
A lot of days when I’m alone I find myself feeling depressed or bored or wondering what to do with myself. I’m sad. I want to find joy in the small things but it’s hard. Every time I look at a picture of someone’s kid I wonder what our kid would look like. Would our kid smile so big and giggle like that? Or is that just a dream? Then, there are possibilities that something could go wrong in pregnancy and that is scary too. After all the disappointment we’ve been through, could we handle a challenge if we were to get pregnant and something was wrong?
I just want to stop feeling sad and defeated and disappointed all of the time. I think I’ll only find that joy and “holiday cheer” back if I were to become pregnant (a healthy pregnancy please). I don’t want to feel sad all of the time either, so how do I get over that if I never do get pregnant?