When we feel, why do we immediately try to justify those feelings? It’s hard for me to be happy for friends who have announced they are expecting. Immediately I feel sad and angry and hopeless. Then, I feel ashamed that I’m feeling bad for myself and my husband and not feeling joy for my friends. However, my feelings are my feelings and don’t need to be justified. Of course I am going to feel sad and angry especially when after my friend told me she is 11 weeks pregnant and didn’t know until 6 days ago (WTF) and after I said congrats and asked if they have been trying for long her response was “no, I went off the pill a few months ago and it just happened”.
I feel like the Universe is punishing me right now and laughing in my face. I’m on vacation, what is supposed to be much needed rest and relaxation to take my mind off of trying to conceive. How does my vacation start? I see a post on facebook of our friends announcing they are pregnant and the baby will arrive in March. Immediate I feel sick for some reason. I click on “like” anyways because I should be happy for them. The guy next to me on the plane is very nice and extremely chatty. It wasn’t too bad. We had some good conversation. Why wouldn’t a stranger on the plane want to know if you have kids? “Do you have kids”? My answer was a simple “no”. He couldn’t ask what I do for a living? Do I have pets? What’s my favorite book? I don’t know…something else. What I wanted to say was “No, I do not have kids. I suffered from an ectopic pregnancy a few months ago though and have been trying to get pregnant ever since. It’s been over one year and a half now that we’ve been trying. I’m on this plane right now to try and get away for a few days and not focus on the fact that I want kid(s) but can’t seem to have them currently, but thanks for asking. Would you like to tell me about your kids now”? Walking through the airport every women I see is pregnant. My aunt and I go to lunch and we are seated next to two pregnant ladies and a small child. Then our waitress (tiny little thing) decides for whatever reason to tell us that she is six months pregnant but you can’t tell (really, couldn’t tell). Why did she decide to tell us that? My eyes swell up with tears about to drip into my grilled vegetable salad (cuz you know, trying to eat super healthy). After lunch I call my friend back after she texted me to call her and that’s when she tells me she’s pregnant.
What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I get pregnant? Why is it so easy for others? Sometimes I even focus on the fact that I’m 20 pounds over weight right now (how did that happen? binge eating..depression…oh well, I’ve had a tough year) and want to blame not getting pregnant on that. Bull shit. Obese women get pregnant just fine. Whatever it is, I just hope one day we get pregnant and have a healthy and happy child.
– After I posted this I went to the spa for a massage and facial. You’d never believe what I walked into immediately when entering the spa. An aeriel hammock yoga class full of pregnant women was taking place. Awesome.