Tag Archives: ectopic pregnancy

Am I being punished?

I found the love of my life, after a first marriage and a lot of mistakes.  With having trouble conceiving I often think that I should just be happy with the life we have together, without children.  I know that both of us would be happy together no matter what.  We know a lot of couples who have struggles and who may not love each other the way that we love each other.  I’m thankful that I can say that I know what true love is.  If we don’t have a baby, I know we’ll be fine and live a rich life full of love for one another.  I can’t help but think that somehow I’m being punished though.  Through my battles of eating disorders and what I consider to be selfishness now (didn’t then), and say I didn’t want children (probably because I never found the right person to have children with until I met my husband), I tend to think that this is my punishment.  I have everything I’d ever want in a partner and soulmate and the universe is telling me I can’t have it all.

It just doesn’t seem fair.  Others have babies all the time without a problem.  Or, without having to go through several doctor appointments and drugs and special timing to have sex.  I’ve done my fair share of over-drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes and I feel like maybe that is why this is happening?  But then I think about crack whores who get pregnant and friends who chain smoked daily for years and years and they got pregnant.  I have a friend who smoked throughout her pregnancies (2) and her kids are amazingly perfect.  So why me, now?  Why do I have to think about my past, my 20’s, having fun, and think that perhaps those years affected me now – wanting to have a child with the man I love.  I now do everything that I need to do to be healthy, yet I’m overweight.  I like to try and blame it on the clomid but I’m sure that’s not it.  People who know me may say I’m not overweight, but I definitely am.  I can’t even lose a few pounds.  I can’t do anything right.  I remember my sister telling me this after she suffered from one (of 3) of her miscarriages.  She was trying to lose a few pounds and felt like she couldn’t even make that happen and felt like a failure (she’s tiny by the way) all the way around.  I tend to tell myself that I’ve been through a lot the past year, so big deal I’m a little overweight.  But then I think, if I was at the perfect weight maybe I wouldn’t have trouble conceiving.  Then again, there is an issue with my husband too and the shape of his sperm.  So I know it’s not just me, but I want to blame it on just me.  I also know people who are severely overweight and they have a ton of healthy children also.

Something my doctor said the other day has stuck with me.  After she explained that it seems perhaps I’m not ovulating and we should see a fertility specialist, I asked her how did I get pregnant once (ectopic) if I don’t ovulate?  She said maybe I got lucky.  Maybe I got lucky!?  I would prefer that we didn’t get pregnant at all.  Maybe I would have found out earlier that I don’t ovulate.  But I took ovulation tests before and they said I was ovulating (time to have sex).  So how can that be?  I found that pregnancy tests don’t lie.  I got one positive one before with the ectopic and I have never gotten a positive one again.  So do the ovulation tests lie?  Or, it’s that I ovulate “late” or something like that.  And, if I were to have gotten lucky that one time, why didn’t it result in a pregnancy that could come to term?

We have had names picked out for a long time.  It sucks when others we know are having babies right and left and perhaps they “stole” our baby name (which is impossible because we’ve only told a few close family members).  I know in the grand scheme of everything, it doesn’t matter if someone we know used the same name that we want that means so much to us.  But it disappoints me knowing that it may be years until we can possibly conceive and have a healthy baby and perhaps we will pick another name by then.  That makes me sad.  I want a baby now and I want to give the baby the name that we want.  I feel like that will never happen.

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It’s been one year

One year ago today we were informed that our first pregnancy was ectopic and I was injected with a shot of methotrexate.  The worst day of my life.  One year later, it doesn’t hurt any less.  We try every month to conceive (and now with the help of clomid) and come up disappointed over and over again.  I feel a punch to my gut every time I see an announcement that a friend is expecting or a baby was just born.  Actually a friend and her husband were told that they would not be able to conceive without the help of IVF (both having some sort of a problem) and a few weeks later she took a test and is pregnant.  While I’m happy for them I can’t help but think why can’t that be us?  We’ve been trying longer and have gone through so much heartache already.  I also hope that it is a healthy pregnancy too and they don’t find out at their first appointment next week that it’s ectopic.

My husband got me the greatest gift for my birthday a few weeks ago.  It’s actually being made and sized so we don’t have it yet.  It’s an eternity ring to stack on top of my wedding band filled with diamonds and sapphires.  Sapphires are the birthstone for September and that is when our baby would have been due.  It’s also my husband’s birth month.

I had plans for today – clean the house and organize a few things- but I can’t seem to get out of bed.  I want to just lay in the dark and hopefully fall asleep all day long so I don’t hear my thoughts of sadness and loss of hope.  I think I can allow myself to do that.  Chores can wait and tomorrow is a new day.

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Clomid (Changing Body, Changing Habits and other stuff)

I just finished my 3rd cycle of clomid.  In November I was prescribed 50mg.  Didn’t work.  In December I was prescribed 150mg.  Didn’t work.  In January I was prescribed 100mg.  Didn’t work.  Why did we go down 50mg this month?  Because I was miserable and also had false hope that I was pregnant.  In December I felt like I was in someone else’s body.  My boobs and nipples hurt so bad.  I was fat and bloated all the time and very fatigued.  Since I’ve felt actual pregnancy symptoms before with the ectopic pregnancy, I really thought maybe I was pregnant due to the way I was feeling.  I have a choice at any point in time to stop the clomid.  I just don’t know yet if I want to do that even though I feel like shit on it.

I wish I wasn’t a little bit overweight right now.  I always feel like maybe that would make a difference or help me feel better during this difficult journey of trying to conceive.  It’s my own fault.  I treated my body poorly and didn’t exercise as much the past year after the pregnancy loss.  I’m finally in a place (one year later) that I’m determined to get back to feeling better about myself.  I’ve made healthy changes.  Trying to kick my diet coke habit and limiting caffeine (coffee, yum).  Focusing on the average of 10,000 steps a day (which is sometimes not easy when I have a busy day at work stuck at my desk)!  I’ve been very consistent with hot yoga since the end of June, but that alone has proven to really not do much for me (but give me gratitude, peace, mindfulness, calmness and flexibility – which helps during baby making sessions, ha) in the weight loss area.

What I find frustrating is that those of us having difficulty have to worry about all this stuff.  How much do we weigh?  Do we eat healthy?  Do we drink caffeine?  Do we exercise?  There are SO MANY women out there who are drug addicts, overweight and have a horrible diet that get pregnant.  What about someone who is not fit to be a parent?  Again, so frustrating.

I’ve been taking prenatal vitamins forever along with Metanx which is the natural form of Folgard (folic acid).  It smells and tastes like ass.  I have to take it because of the MTHFR gene mutation I have.  We don’t process Folgard properly so we need the natural form.  I used to not take vitamins at all because they made me feel weird.  But now, I’ve been taking them for over one year because I want to have a baby.  When I took a vitamin before and trying to maintain my weight, I felt that I gained weight while taking vitamins.  I know, weird.  But I swear there is something to that.  Weight gain since I’ve taken vitamins.  But it’s not all about being “skinny” I suppose.  I’m doing this for a reason but there is a part of me that just wants to stop taking all of this shit and get my body back.

At least once a year I like to color my hair just for something fun and new.  Usually I do the 28 day shampoo wash out colors and go for red (I’m light brown naturally).  In December I had the desire to change my hair and really wanted to go lighter (blondish).  I made sure to ask my doctor about coloring hair while trying to get pregnant.  He said that it’s OK to do during the first 2 weeks of my cycle.  I had an appointment booked before Christmas but had to cancel it due to the fact that I COULD have been pregnant and didn’t know it yet.  I booked it for my birthday instead because by that time I would know if I was pregnant or not.  Since unfortunately I was not pregnant, I was able to keep my birthday hair appointment.  I decided (with my stylist) on balyage highlights because my natural roots are kept, along with my natural hair color underneath.  The blond, painted on highlights would be on top but not all the way to the roots.  This way, if I do become pregnant, it won’t look horrible growing out.  Do I like it?  It’s OK.  I have to get used to it.  But I wanted and change and a change I got!  If I don’t get pregnant in a few months I may just go full on blond!

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Blogging

How much is too much?  I haven’t posted to my blog in a while only because I’ve been very busy with work.  I received a promotion and super excited about it!  I LOVE my job.  When I have found some free time it’s been spent going to yoga or spending time with my dog.  I haven’t had a chance to blog even though I’ve been thinking about it.  I have started to follow a few blogs now and get emails once a day that there is a new post.  It’s too much for me to even keep up with.  I created this as an escape from the troubles we are doing through.  Maybe escape isn’t the right word.  More of therapy for myself.  So I may not blog often, but I will when I feel the need.  I also haven’t shared this space with many people so perhaps that is why I don’t feel obligated to post too often.  This is for me and the select people I have chosen to share it with.  However, I do want others out there who are going through the same pain to find this so I can connect with them.

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My Feelings are right and reasonable and don’t need to be justified

When we feel, why do we immediately try to justify those feelings?  It’s hard for me to be happy for friends who have announced they are expecting.  Immediately I feel sad and angry and hopeless.  Then, I feel ashamed that I’m feeling bad for myself and my husband and not feeling joy for my friends.  However, my feelings are my feelings and don’t need to be justified.  Of course I am going to feel sad and angry especially when after my friend told me she is 11 weeks pregnant and didn’t know until 6 days ago (WTF) and after I said congrats and asked if they have been trying for long her response was “no, I went off the pill a few months ago and it just happened”.

I feel like the Universe is punishing me right now and laughing in my face.  I’m on vacation, what is supposed to be much needed rest and relaxation to take my mind off of trying to conceive.  How does my vacation start?  I see a post on facebook of our friends announcing they are pregnant and the baby will arrive in March.  Immediate I feel sick for some reason.  I click on “like” anyways because I should be happy for them.  The guy next to me on the plane is very nice and extremely chatty.  It wasn’t too bad.  We had some good conversation.  Why wouldn’t a stranger on the plane want to know if you have kids?  “Do you have kids”?  My answer was a simple “no”.  He couldn’t ask what I do for a living?  Do I have pets?  What’s my favorite book?  I don’t know…something else.  What I wanted to say was “No, I do not have kids.  I suffered from an ectopic pregnancy a few months ago though and have been trying to get pregnant ever since.  It’s been over one year and a half now that we’ve been trying.  I’m on this plane right now to try and get away for a few days and not focus on the fact that I want kid(s) but can’t seem to have them currently, but thanks for asking.  Would you like to tell me about your kids now”?  Walking through the airport every women I see is pregnant.  My aunt and I go to lunch and we are seated next to two pregnant ladies and a small child.  Then our waitress (tiny little thing) decides for whatever reason to tell us that she is six months pregnant but you can’t tell (really, couldn’t tell).  Why did she decide to tell us that?  My eyes swell up with tears about to drip into my grilled vegetable salad (cuz you know, trying to eat super healthy).  After lunch I call my friend back after she texted me to call her and that’s when she tells me she’s pregnant.

What am I doing wrong?  Why can’t I get pregnant?  Why is it so easy for others?  Sometimes I even focus on the fact that I’m 20 pounds over weight right now (how did that happen?  binge eating..depression…oh well, I’ve had a tough year) and want to blame not getting pregnant on that.  Bull shit.  Obese women get pregnant just fine.  Whatever it is, I just hope one day we get pregnant and have a healthy and happy child.

– After I posted this I went to the spa for a massage and facial.  You’d never believe what I walked into immediately when entering the spa.  An aeriel hammock yoga class full of pregnant women was taking place.  Awesome.

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Beep Beep Boop

I wasn’t sure what to call this post and when WordPress is thinking after you click on the +pencil to add a new post, the words “beep beep boop” show up.  So, that is the name of this post.  I was thinking it could be “Random Acts Of Kindness”  or “October Optimism” or “Just Another Day”, but those don’t really capture what I will be blogging about.  So, Beep Beep Boop it is!  Three words that really are just words and mean nothing.

The day started out lovely!  I woke early and got ready to head to Detroit for the Children’s Miracle Network Torch Relay.  I raised $200 for the 3 mile walk.  I drove through McDonald’s for a coffee and the girl at the window taking my money smiled at me and said “you have pretty eyes”.  How nice of her!  A random act of kindness.  I thanked her and hit the road.  What a nice feeling it is when someone gives you a compliment.  It’s a nice fall day out and I feel good.  I know that it’s 3 days away from when I can take a pregnancy test (at least 3 days until my period should be arriving).  I’ve been feeling EXTRA fat the past few days and my boobs have felt really large.  Knowing what it feels like being pregnant (from the ectopic) I’m thinking, maybe, just maybe, I’m pregnant now!  I got to meet a mom and young boy who are going on their Make A Wish trip next month after he is in remission from cancer after 6 rounds of chemo.  Listening to the story my eyes fill with tears.  Tears of sadness that him and his family had to go through this and tears of joy that he is better.  What a strong little boy.  There are no guarantees in life and you never know what kind of a card you will be dealt but it would be a shame to just constantly think of all of the bad that happens.  So, you try to stay positive and hopeful, right?  I’m big on random acts of kindness myself and try to practice every day.  Being in HR and hospitality it seems to come easily and naturally.  I know it makes me feel good when someone does or says something nice to me so I like to be sure to do this as much as I can.

During the walk I kept thinking about how my body is feeling and that it’s quite possible I could be pregnant.  We did everything right in September to create the best chance of conceiving.  I’m also thinking about my stomach, my huge fat stomach and my huge arms and thighs.  After the walk was over I went to the bathroom and there was a full length mirror right in front of me that I could not avoid while I was waiting in line.  I looked quickly with disgust and just looked away.  On the drive home I had to stop into Costco to get a few necessities for the house.  As soon as I parked I checked my ovulation/pregnancy app on my phone and confirmed that it should be 3 days until my next period.  Suddenly I felt very optimistic.  Or maybe I just felt like something good would come out of feeling extra fat lately.  I decided to stop at Target by the house on my way home to purchase pregnancy tests.  I bought 2 boxes (5 tests total) thinking if I take it today and it’s negative I’ll have plenty to take it again in 3 days.  I’ve also been a little nervous about the timing because I am flying to AZ on Thursday for a long weekend to just get away and relax.  Actually my husband and I were supposed to go in February but we had to cancel the trip because I was not allowed to fly during the termination of the ectopic.  Luckily, after several phone calls and emails back and forth, I was able to get a voucher for the money we spent on the flights since I was unable to fly due to a medical reason (the risk of my tube rupturing).  So, I’m going solo but staying with family and visiting friends.  I have a massage and a facial booked too.  Can’t wait!  Anyway, I’ve been nervous the past few weeks thinking, oh no, what if I am pregnant and it’s ectopic again and I’m getting on a plane!?  I purchase the tests and I was envisioning in my head it being positive and getting to call my husband to tell him the news!  I open the box (darn plastic wrap, why are you being difficult!?) and take out a test.  I rip that open and get ready to sit down and pee.  As soon as I pull my yoga pants and underwear down I see bright red blood on my white cotton undies.  No need to take the test.  Disappointment hits me like a punch in the gut.  At least I can fly now and not worry about a medical issue occurring.  Beep Beep Boop…

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Do You Remember Dancing In September?

I love September.  It’s the beginning of fall, my favorite season (comfy jeans, baggy sweatshirts and decorative scarves, oh my)!  Brisk bike rides with my dog.  The leaves on the trees are changing into vibrant colors.  The smell in the air.  Pumpkin muffins and drinks.  It’s my husbands birthday month too.  This September is a little sad for me though.  It’s also the month that our baby would have been born.

We were trying to get pregnant for months.  I had an HSG test done to make sure my tubes were nice and open and my husband was checked out too.  We wanted to be sure to do everything in advance before our journey because we are in our late 30’s and my sister suffered 3 miscarriages (she now has two beautiful smart & healthy kids).  It’s a shame how some people get pregnant so easily or “by mistake”.  I’ll never understand how someone gets pregnant by mistake.  Never.  When we weren’t getting pregnant at first my sister gave me a lot of advice and actually told me what to get tested for (vs an actual doctor).  Turns out I carry the MTHFR gene mutation just like she does.  There is research that the gene could cause infertility.  Most say you have to have more than one copy of it though.  She told me to take prescription folic acid and a baby aspirin along with a prenatal vitamin.  Did my doctor suggest this?  No.  The woman who went through hell trying to become a mom told me this.  Does it help?  Supposedly.  At least my doctor agreed when I suggested it to him.  More recent studies show that people with MTHFR don’t process Folgard the way the body should.  So now I’m taking Metanx which is a natural form of folic acid.  Maybe that will help.  Who knows.

We did everything right.  Had sex during prime ovulation time.  Month after month when my period arrived and/or the pregnancy test was negative, we became disappointed but remained optimistic.  After the 6th month of trying we should have received more medical help since I’m over 35.  The doctor said just keep trying.  In January (my birthday month) I took a test and it was positive!  I actually took the test in a Meijer bathroom immediately after I bought it because I couldn’t wait to get home (and I was on my way to a friends baby shower).  POSITIVE!!  We are PREGNANT!  After telling my husband I told my sister immediately.  She told me to get blood work done to check my beta levels.  I did that.  And they were low, along with my progesterone levels.  The doctor office gave me some vaginal inserts for progesterone.  I asked that my initial first appointment be earlier than “normal” because of my fear of something going wrong after what my sister went through.  They went ahead and scheduled it.

January 17th.  A Friday.  We had the appointment.  The lady checking us in and taking my weight had a rude tone to her voice saying “you’re here early” after I answered her question of how far along I was.  Screw you bitch.  You may see a lot of pregnant people in here but if I want to come in at (what we think was) 5 weeks and my doctor allowed this appointment, shut your mouth and just do your job.

The doctor comes in.  Probing around in there.  Not seeing anything.  Sees something that possibly could be the sac but thinks maybe it’s just too early.  He sends me to the hospital for a more thorough look.  We get to the hospital and this lady was so nice.  She made me feel a little more comfortable but I could tell something was wrong.  She was in there for what seemed to be hours.  Moving that thing around all over the place.  Saying she had to make a call and have someone else look at it.  Can’t be good news.  And, it wasn’t.  My doctor was already on a plane to Florida to visit his brother so they had to call the doctor on call.  She told me that there could be a few scenarios of options and most likely this is an ectopic pregnancy.  This was over the phone.  Perhaps trying to keep us hopeful, we were instructed to go to the ER on Sunday for another ultrasound.  We didn’t quite understand this, but whatever.  I started the day thinking it was just going to be a morning appointment and I would go into work after.  I had to call off to my boss, 1.5 months after my start date.  Ugh.  At this point I’m thinking why go to the ER on Sunday?  Is this going to cost us a fortune?  Why can’t someone tell me something more concrete now?  Because it’s too early?

Saturday morning I wake up to go to the bathroom and all I feel and see is blood.  I quickly cry out for my husband.  Am I having a miscarriage?  Frightened and worried, we contact my sister.  She is just as upset if not more than we are.  All the pain she has been through and now she feels that pain for her baby sister.  I could hear it in her voice.  We got off the phone and immediately headed to the ER.

It’s an ectopic.  It needs to be terminated.  It’s life-threatening to me.  We have two choices.  Get a shot of methotrexate and the termination takes its course for about two weeks (so they said).  Or, I have surgery to have it removed but then my tube would be damaged and make it harder to have a baby later on.  We chose the shot.  To make a long story short from here, I bled for 8.5 weeks.  I had to have a second shot one week after the first shot because my beta number wasn’t going down enough.  What I thought would be 2 weeks of bleeding and suffering turned into 8.5 weeks.  I didn’t sign up for that!  But looking at the positive side, at least I didn’t have to have surgery and my left tube is still “ok”.  That baby was one tough cookie trying to hang on.  I had to get blood drawn weekly.  The first blood draw after the initial methotrexate shot I had to go to the hospital versus the doctor’s office.  The lady at the desk was giving me a hard time because my license had 4 names on it (my first, middle, maiden last name and married last name) but on their records it just had my first and married last name.  That IS my name.  I chose to keep all of my names though legally.  Really?  This is a problem?  After I burst out into tears and I explain to her the simplicity to this whole thing that she thinks is an issue, she finally admits she is wrong.  I never got an apology though.  I’m dismissed to join the phlebotomist to get my blood drawn.  She takes one look at my arm and says “do you get your blood drawn a lot”?  I’m assuming she asks this question because I have several bruises there from blood work and an IV.  I respond by saying “I was in the hospital for an ectopic pregnancy which I have now and have been poked a lot”.  She then says “congratulations”.  I had to tell her what an ectopic pregnancy was and that she should not be congratulating me.  Then she asks, “so you can’t have the baby”?  I think it’s clear that sensitivity training needs to take place in that hopsital for all of their staff.  Sensitivity and common f**king sense and knowledge training.

It’s been known to happen that a woman doesn’t get her period until 6 months after an ectopic.  I was lucky enough to get it in April after my beta number was finally 0 (actually 1).  We had to wait a few cycles until we could try again.  So we are spending money on metanx, prenantal vitamins, baby aspirin, ovulation tests, etc.  Making sure to hit the right days when we should be able to get pregnant.  Knowing there is only a 20% chance of getting pregnant during the time you can get pregnant isn’t very encouraging.  Again, I’ll never understand how someone gets pregnant “by mistake” or “by accident”.  As of right now, we are not pregnant.  Perhaps in October my period won’t arrive and maybe we will be.  Fingers crossed.  There is a higher percent chance that we will have another ectopic though since we’ve already had one.  And, with my age, downs syndrome is a higher possibility.

We’ve since gone to a new doctor recently.  The father of a friend.  He listened and gave good advice.  We felt a connection with him which is needed during this difficult time.  He actually joked that we were spending money on ovulation tests when he’d give us a free one – a piece of paper!  It does turn our that perhaps we weren’t starting to have sex as soon as we should have been during the ovulation time frame.  I know for a fact though which day we got pregnant in December for the January positive result because it just so happened we only had sex on one day during that time frame.  This doctor doesn’t deliver babies anymore though so we’ll have to figure all that out once we are pregnant.  Will we have my files sent to him and go to him instead?  Who will delivery the baby if it comes to that?

If you read my blog titled “Strong Energy” you know I went to see a medium.  One of the things she did say was that my late father in law has that baby with him and to think spring.  Meaning maybe spring time is a good time to get pregnant?  Not sure.  We’ll see.  I believe everything else that happened during that session.  I’m hoping the pregnancy happens sooner than that, but if spring is the time then spring is the time.

While I haven’t let the loss of our child put a stop to my life, I haven’t felt like dancing and enjoying this month as much as I usually do.

“The bell was ringing, our souls were singing”.  Hopefully next September I’ll feel like dancing more.

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