Beep Beep Boop

I wasn’t sure what to call this post and when WordPress is thinking after you click on the +pencil to add a new post, the words “beep beep boop” show up.  So, that is the name of this post.  I was thinking it could be “Random Acts Of Kindness”  or “October Optimism” or “Just Another Day”, but those don’t really capture what I will be blogging about.  So, Beep Beep Boop it is!  Three words that really are just words and mean nothing.

The day started out lovely!  I woke early and got ready to head to Detroit for the Children’s Miracle Network Torch Relay.  I raised $200 for the 3 mile walk.  I drove through McDonald’s for a coffee and the girl at the window taking my money smiled at me and said “you have pretty eyes”.  How nice of her!  A random act of kindness.  I thanked her and hit the road.  What a nice feeling it is when someone gives you a compliment.  It’s a nice fall day out and I feel good.  I know that it’s 3 days away from when I can take a pregnancy test (at least 3 days until my period should be arriving).  I’ve been feeling EXTRA fat the past few days and my boobs have felt really large.  Knowing what it feels like being pregnant (from the ectopic) I’m thinking, maybe, just maybe, I’m pregnant now!  I got to meet a mom and young boy who are going on their Make A Wish trip next month after he is in remission from cancer after 6 rounds of chemo.  Listening to the story my eyes fill with tears.  Tears of sadness that him and his family had to go through this and tears of joy that he is better.  What a strong little boy.  There are no guarantees in life and you never know what kind of a card you will be dealt but it would be a shame to just constantly think of all of the bad that happens.  So, you try to stay positive and hopeful, right?  I’m big on random acts of kindness myself and try to practice every day.  Being in HR and hospitality it seems to come easily and naturally.  I know it makes me feel good when someone does or says something nice to me so I like to be sure to do this as much as I can.

During the walk I kept thinking about how my body is feeling and that it’s quite possible I could be pregnant.  We did everything right in September to create the best chance of conceiving.  I’m also thinking about my stomach, my huge fat stomach and my huge arms and thighs.  After the walk was over I went to the bathroom and there was a full length mirror right in front of me that I could not avoid while I was waiting in line.  I looked quickly with disgust and just looked away.  On the drive home I had to stop into Costco to get a few necessities for the house.  As soon as I parked I checked my ovulation/pregnancy app on my phone and confirmed that it should be 3 days until my next period.  Suddenly I felt very optimistic.  Or maybe I just felt like something good would come out of feeling extra fat lately.  I decided to stop at Target by the house on my way home to purchase pregnancy tests.  I bought 2 boxes (5 tests total) thinking if I take it today and it’s negative I’ll have plenty to take it again in 3 days.  I’ve also been a little nervous about the timing because I am flying to AZ on Thursday for a long weekend to just get away and relax.  Actually my husband and I were supposed to go in February but we had to cancel the trip because I was not allowed to fly during the termination of the ectopic.  Luckily, after several phone calls and emails back and forth, I was able to get a voucher for the money we spent on the flights since I was unable to fly due to a medical reason (the risk of my tube rupturing).  So, I’m going solo but staying with family and visiting friends.  I have a massage and a facial booked too.  Can’t wait!  Anyway, I’ve been nervous the past few weeks thinking, oh no, what if I am pregnant and it’s ectopic again and I’m getting on a plane!?  I purchase the tests and I was envisioning in my head it being positive and getting to call my husband to tell him the news!  I open the box (darn plastic wrap, why are you being difficult!?) and take out a test.  I rip that open and get ready to sit down and pee.  As soon as I pull my yoga pants and underwear down I see bright red blood on my white cotton undies.  No need to take the test.  Disappointment hits me like a punch in the gut.  At least I can fly now and not worry about a medical issue occurring.  Beep Beep Boop…

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Sexy Time Isn’t So Sexy Anymore

Sex is supposed to be fun, right?  I think it’s definitely true that when you first meet someone you do this more often than not.  Once married, it does change.  It has to do with normal routines and opposite works schedules I’m sure.  It’s not that you don’t want to share an intimate moment with your significant other.  It just turns into a chore, if you will.  We try to make it fun. Turns out, it’s not so sexy when trying to have a baby.  People say “oh, the fun of trying”.  What fun?  Does fun include you telling your husband that your discharge is extra dischargy so it’s time to “make a baby”?  Does fun include having to use lube (Pre-Seed specifically because oil based lubes aren’t good for getting pregnant) because we don’t have a lot of time between work schedules..we just have to get it done?  Does fun include NOT having oral sex because saliva could interfere with baby making too?  So, how sexy is sex when trying to make a baby?  Not very sexy.

If you read my post “Self-Sabotage” you will also know that this plays a part in the game of baby making.  I don’t feel sexy. I’m sexy to my husband but not sexy to myself.  I want lights off, me on bottom and preferably with my shirt on.  How sexy is that!?  I’ve learned that I’m sexy to him no matter what though so I’ve overcome those types of issues.  Sometimes.  Not always.  But, the last time we made love (for a baby during ovulation time) I let myself go.  I didn’t think about my fat or the lights.  I did what he wanted by being on top and guest what!?  I survived!  So I’m going to try and focus on sexy time becoming sexy again.

Another reason I can’t focus on sexy time being sexy is that I had some major itching problems going on down there (now taken care of).  Who knew that when you have increased sexual activity, the PH balance of your vagina is off?  And, my bum was itching so badly that I felt like there was never a time I was not scratching it.  I would do it at home (scratch, in front of my husband) and at work in the privacy of my own office.  Every time my husband saw me do it and be disgusted (um, he does disgusting things in front of me too) I’d say that he has to live with it!  It finally dawned on me that I needed to see the doctor about it ASAP when I chose to scratch in a hallway at work that I knew no one would be walking down at that time.

I went to the doctor and explained my troubles.  He looked and his first reaction was “wow, that’s really raw”.  Um, ya.  We talked about what the possible causes could be.  He said that increased sex could be one.  Effecting the PH balance in my vag.  I then explain that I tend to lay in bed after with my legs up for a better chance of getting pregnant (ha, is this for real?) and perhaps my husbands semen is doing this to me?  Am I allergic to his semen!?  We used condoms before trying to get pregnant.  And sometimes when we didn’t he’d release on my stomach and then my belly button would be irritated.  Am I allergic to my husband!?  The doctor seems to think it’s not an allergy (thank goodness) but I definitely had some stuff going on down there.  After a diflucan pill and some cream for my bum, I’m doing much better.  Haven’t scratched in a while.

So now that I’m itch free….maybe the sexy in sexy time will come back.  I’ve also been advised to NOT lay there with his semen all over my vag.  Wipe it up, take a shower (before and after – that makes sexy time even more fun right?  All these things you have to do to get prepared)?  Friends have told me that’s the trick though.  Lay there.  I’ve read that too.  So does it really work?  In our case, not really since it makes me itch!

Trying to make a baby takes away from “sexy time”.  Instead of just a feeling of wanting to be with your significant other, it’s more of a “we have to do this NOW” type thing.  Could we make it more sexy during ovulation time?  Sure.  But our schedules don’t really allow that.  We don’t have the same schedule.  I have the nice M-F 9 to 5 gig and he does not.  So even if we tried to make it a 12 hr, 24 hr, 36 hr lapse during ovulation, it will never work.  If we had to get that scientific, we’d have to meet in a parking lot somewhere and get it done!

My weight and body issues don’t add anything good to this mix either.  Prime ovulation time may be me feeling like a whale.  It’s definitely not so sexy then.  I feel bad for my husband at this point.  I won’t not have sex during prime time since it’s great baby making time, but I’m not feeling it nor do I feel like I’m giving the best I can towards him.

Oh the joys of trying to make a baby!  I commit to myself to try and make sexy time more enjoyable, at all times, by putting my disorder, body image, and goal for making a baby aside.  Husband and wife should be able to have sexy time just because they want sexy time!

So here’s to making sexy time, actually sexy!

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Do You Remember Dancing In September?

I love September.  It’s the beginning of fall, my favorite season (comfy jeans, baggy sweatshirts and decorative scarves, oh my)!  Brisk bike rides with my dog.  The leaves on the trees are changing into vibrant colors.  The smell in the air.  Pumpkin muffins and drinks.  It’s my husbands birthday month too.  This September is a little sad for me though.  It’s also the month that our baby would have been born.

We were trying to get pregnant for months.  I had an HSG test done to make sure my tubes were nice and open and my husband was checked out too.  We wanted to be sure to do everything in advance before our journey because we are in our late 30’s and my sister suffered 3 miscarriages (she now has two beautiful smart & healthy kids).  It’s a shame how some people get pregnant so easily or “by mistake”.  I’ll never understand how someone gets pregnant by mistake.  Never.  When we weren’t getting pregnant at first my sister gave me a lot of advice and actually told me what to get tested for (vs an actual doctor).  Turns out I carry the MTHFR gene mutation just like she does.  There is research that the gene could cause infertility.  Most say you have to have more than one copy of it though.  She told me to take prescription folic acid and a baby aspirin along with a prenatal vitamin.  Did my doctor suggest this?  No.  The woman who went through hell trying to become a mom told me this.  Does it help?  Supposedly.  At least my doctor agreed when I suggested it to him.  More recent studies show that people with MTHFR don’t process Folgard the way the body should.  So now I’m taking Metanx which is a natural form of folic acid.  Maybe that will help.  Who knows.

We did everything right.  Had sex during prime ovulation time.  Month after month when my period arrived and/or the pregnancy test was negative, we became disappointed but remained optimistic.  After the 6th month of trying we should have received more medical help since I’m over 35.  The doctor said just keep trying.  In January (my birthday month) I took a test and it was positive!  I actually took the test in a Meijer bathroom immediately after I bought it because I couldn’t wait to get home (and I was on my way to a friends baby shower).  POSITIVE!!  We are PREGNANT!  After telling my husband I told my sister immediately.  She told me to get blood work done to check my beta levels.  I did that.  And they were low, along with my progesterone levels.  The doctor office gave me some vaginal inserts for progesterone.  I asked that my initial first appointment be earlier than “normal” because of my fear of something going wrong after what my sister went through.  They went ahead and scheduled it.

January 17th.  A Friday.  We had the appointment.  The lady checking us in and taking my weight had a rude tone to her voice saying “you’re here early” after I answered her question of how far along I was.  Screw you bitch.  You may see a lot of pregnant people in here but if I want to come in at (what we think was) 5 weeks and my doctor allowed this appointment, shut your mouth and just do your job.

The doctor comes in.  Probing around in there.  Not seeing anything.  Sees something that possibly could be the sac but thinks maybe it’s just too early.  He sends me to the hospital for a more thorough look.  We get to the hospital and this lady was so nice.  She made me feel a little more comfortable but I could tell something was wrong.  She was in there for what seemed to be hours.  Moving that thing around all over the place.  Saying she had to make a call and have someone else look at it.  Can’t be good news.  And, it wasn’t.  My doctor was already on a plane to Florida to visit his brother so they had to call the doctor on call.  She told me that there could be a few scenarios of options and most likely this is an ectopic pregnancy.  This was over the phone.  Perhaps trying to keep us hopeful, we were instructed to go to the ER on Sunday for another ultrasound.  We didn’t quite understand this, but whatever.  I started the day thinking it was just going to be a morning appointment and I would go into work after.  I had to call off to my boss, 1.5 months after my start date.  Ugh.  At this point I’m thinking why go to the ER on Sunday?  Is this going to cost us a fortune?  Why can’t someone tell me something more concrete now?  Because it’s too early?

Saturday morning I wake up to go to the bathroom and all I feel and see is blood.  I quickly cry out for my husband.  Am I having a miscarriage?  Frightened and worried, we contact my sister.  She is just as upset if not more than we are.  All the pain she has been through and now she feels that pain for her baby sister.  I could hear it in her voice.  We got off the phone and immediately headed to the ER.

It’s an ectopic.  It needs to be terminated.  It’s life-threatening to me.  We have two choices.  Get a shot of methotrexate and the termination takes its course for about two weeks (so they said).  Or, I have surgery to have it removed but then my tube would be damaged and make it harder to have a baby later on.  We chose the shot.  To make a long story short from here, I bled for 8.5 weeks.  I had to have a second shot one week after the first shot because my beta number wasn’t going down enough.  What I thought would be 2 weeks of bleeding and suffering turned into 8.5 weeks.  I didn’t sign up for that!  But looking at the positive side, at least I didn’t have to have surgery and my left tube is still “ok”.  That baby was one tough cookie trying to hang on.  I had to get blood drawn weekly.  The first blood draw after the initial methotrexate shot I had to go to the hospital versus the doctor’s office.  The lady at the desk was giving me a hard time because my license had 4 names on it (my first, middle, maiden last name and married last name) but on their records it just had my first and married last name.  That IS my name.  I chose to keep all of my names though legally.  Really?  This is a problem?  After I burst out into tears and I explain to her the simplicity to this whole thing that she thinks is an issue, she finally admits she is wrong.  I never got an apology though.  I’m dismissed to join the phlebotomist to get my blood drawn.  She takes one look at my arm and says “do you get your blood drawn a lot”?  I’m assuming she asks this question because I have several bruises there from blood work and an IV.  I respond by saying “I was in the hospital for an ectopic pregnancy which I have now and have been poked a lot”.  She then says “congratulations”.  I had to tell her what an ectopic pregnancy was and that she should not be congratulating me.  Then she asks, “so you can’t have the baby”?  I think it’s clear that sensitivity training needs to take place in that hopsital for all of their staff.  Sensitivity and common f**king sense and knowledge training.

It’s been known to happen that a woman doesn’t get her period until 6 months after an ectopic.  I was lucky enough to get it in April after my beta number was finally 0 (actually 1).  We had to wait a few cycles until we could try again.  So we are spending money on metanx, prenantal vitamins, baby aspirin, ovulation tests, etc.  Making sure to hit the right days when we should be able to get pregnant.  Knowing there is only a 20% chance of getting pregnant during the time you can get pregnant isn’t very encouraging.  Again, I’ll never understand how someone gets pregnant “by mistake” or “by accident”.  As of right now, we are not pregnant.  Perhaps in October my period won’t arrive and maybe we will be.  Fingers crossed.  There is a higher percent chance that we will have another ectopic though since we’ve already had one.  And, with my age, downs syndrome is a higher possibility.

We’ve since gone to a new doctor recently.  The father of a friend.  He listened and gave good advice.  We felt a connection with him which is needed during this difficult time.  He actually joked that we were spending money on ovulation tests when he’d give us a free one – a piece of paper!  It does turn our that perhaps we weren’t starting to have sex as soon as we should have been during the ovulation time frame.  I know for a fact though which day we got pregnant in December for the January positive result because it just so happened we only had sex on one day during that time frame.  This doctor doesn’t deliver babies anymore though so we’ll have to figure all that out once we are pregnant.  Will we have my files sent to him and go to him instead?  Who will delivery the baby if it comes to that?

If you read my blog titled “Strong Energy” you know I went to see a medium.  One of the things she did say was that my late father in law has that baby with him and to think spring.  Meaning maybe spring time is a good time to get pregnant?  Not sure.  We’ll see.  I believe everything else that happened during that session.  I’m hoping the pregnancy happens sooner than that, but if spring is the time then spring is the time.

While I haven’t let the loss of our child put a stop to my life, I haven’t felt like dancing and enjoying this month as much as I usually do.

“The bell was ringing, our souls were singing”.  Hopefully next September I’ll feel like dancing more.

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Self-Sabotage

My weight has fluctuated up and down my entire life, totaling 141 pounds.  Wow.  Just did the math from when I was a teenager and became so obsessed with not eating (very limited) resulting in a 27 pound weight loss taking me down to 97 pounds, to today, including the several times I was up and down.  That doesn’t count a few pounds up and down here and there.  And to think there are some people who have never had problems with their weight or just have a great metabolism and are naturally skinny.  Why can’t I be one of those people?  I’ve lost weight on Jenny Craig and on Weight Watchers (not the first time as a teen – that was just really unhealthy).  I know what my happy weight is (at least the magic number on the scale) but yet I seem to always “let myself go”.  I sabotage myself.  I know what I’m doing and I know how to fix it, but I don’t.  I binge eat and drink.  Everything in my life is good.  Great husband, beautiful home, awesome job, dear friends and family and the best doggy and two cats in the world…but I have this one stupid thing that I could do without.  Then again, can I do without it?  Is this what an addiction to something is like?  I let this stupid eating disorder and body image disorder rule my life.  I take medication for depression yet that doesn’t always seem to help.  My thoughts are CONSTANTLY on my body and how fat it is.  I think about the fat hanging over my pants and my thighs spreading out in the chair I’m sitting in and my arm fat bulging out of my tops where the tops fit the rest of me just fine.  When I’m doing yoga and trying to meditate I’m thinking about my fat.  I am envious of women who truly are happy with their bodies when they have a few extra pounds on them.  I’d like to think that I can be that person – comfortable in my own skin no matter what – but I’m not.  I’m not comfortable in my own skin when I’m overweight.  I finally realized that most people aren’t looking at me thinking what I’m thinking about myself.  It probably doesn’t cross their mind when looking at me that I’m “fat”.  They look at me for me.  But when I look at me (pictures recently) I don’t see me.  I don’t know who that body belongs to.  I let the hatred towards my body define me.  Why?  Funny thing is too, when I’m “skinny” I still don’t like to “show off” my body.  I don’t wear shorts.  Period.  When I’m “fat”, I think, man, I should have worn shorts and other things that skinny girls can wear.  Oh what I’d do to be able to be skinny and wear those things now.  I have an awesome wardrobe.  In so many sizes (0 to 8). I know it’s really bad when I start wearing the same things over and over again just because they are comfortable and I feel those clothes also help hide my fat.  It’s too bad really.  All those cute clothes going to waste.  I also feel that I don’t dress myself up to look nice either.  I feel like a frump.

Feeling like this also doesn’t help while my husband and I are trying to get pregnant.  After suffering an ectopic pregnancy I feel like I’ve been sabotaging myself more since the termination.  Termination.  Sounds horrible.  I know the baby couldn’t survive, but there still was a baby growing inside of me.  When perhaps I should have been treating my body like a temple after that loss, I started treating it worse.  Like I’m punishing myself.  I have feelings of hopelessness about becoming a mom and my husband becoming a dad.  I used to say that I didn’t want children.  Honestly I think I said that before because I couldn’t imagine being pregnant and being fat and gaining weight.  How stupid is that?  Still, that’s what I think.  I also didn’t know my husband back then and finding him, the one person on this earth made for me, I believe that also changed my thoughts on having a child.  I want nothing more than to be a mom and a parent to a healthy baby with my husband.

Every week I come up with a new plan.  I’m going to do this and not that.  I’m going to eat only fruit and veggies.  I’m going to exercise like crazy.  Then I slip.  I let one small slip turn into a huge slip.  Then try to start all over again.  A healthy moderation of everything would be great.  I’ve been there at some points in my life and want to get there again.  The stress and obsession of trying to get pregnant probably doesn’t help.  The worst part is when people say “just relax”.  Are you kidding me?

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Strong Energy

I had an appointment with a Medium this morning.  The experience left me in awe, happy and at peace.  Before I went to see her I didn’t have too strong of a feeling one way or the other if someone who passed could actually communicate with this world, but the feeling always did lean more towards me believing that they could.  Today solidified that.  I spent one glorious hour with my husband’s father who passed two months ago.  It started when she asked me to hold the amethyst stone she handed me.  It was in my hand for what seemed to be just a few seconds, and my palms were sweating.  I felt embarrassed when she asked for me to pass the stone back to her and I apologized for it being hot and sweaty.  Turns out, I wasn’t to be embarrassed at all.  That meant there was a strong energy in the room. She started by telling me to cut the tarot card deck in as many piles as I’d like.  With my favorite number being 11 that is what I intended to do.  Cut it in 11 piles.  Could you imagine if my favorite number was 194?  That wouldn’t have worked.  So 11 piles it was.  As I was doing this she said “they are laughing at you right now”.  They, being the spirit(s) in the room.  I had to pick one pile for her to start with.  As soon as I picked that and she placed the cards back into one deck with the pile I picked on top, she said “there is a song running through my head and I’m trying to decipher if you like this song, hate this song or don’t even care about this song and it’s Taylor Swift’s song, Shake It Off”.  OMG!  This song has been in my head for days.  I even shared with my coworkers the other morning at our meeting that it’s been stuck in my head and sang it to them.  It’s super catchy and I just love it!  Ha!  The Spirit was telling me that they hear me and they love that song too.  There is a message in this song that if something is bothering you, just shake it off.  I went to the appointment hoping to connect with my husband’s dad and this makes sense.  He’s shaking of the past years he suffered with MS and is now moving about and having fun. She then mentions that someone to my left is highly opinionated and wants her to pull 7 cards.  (Normally she pulls less, I forget the number). Another sign to me, without her knowing still, that it’s HD (husband’s dad).  He passed away on 7/7/14.  While I recorded the session, I wish I took pictures of the cards.  The Ace of something is what she talked about first.  This love – between me and my husband, was hard fought.  She said we must really want this and asked if that made sense to me.  It’s the highest love card in the whole deck and said that if there is something that we both want so badly and fight for it, it will be ours until the day we take our last breath.  It also means that what we’ve been through hasn’t been easy either. She said that we have a love that people are jealous of.

The medium at this point doesn’t know who the spirit is.  She asks if my dad is still with us.  I reply yes.  Then she asks about my mother.  I say yes.  I then say that HD is no longer with us.  Should I have said that at all?  Am I supposed to lead her to who I want to talk with today?  Do I believe it’s him here with me now?  Well, the answer is yes.  Although those thoughts were going through my mind, what happens throughout the entire session proves that it was HD, to my left, communicating with me.  She says “there is a dad over there and this is the mourning card”.  I mentioned the fact that he passed away on 7/7/14 and perhaps that is why he wanted 7 cards to be drawn.  She then asks if HD’s wife (husband’s mom) misses her husband.  At first I’m thinking, what kind of a question is that!?  But, then again, there are situations where a spouse may not miss or love the other spouse.  A Queen card was drawn and that signified that the mom and dad are still in love and that doesn’t get broken when someone passes. It also bounced off of the mourning card.  My husband’s parents did love one other very much.  They still do.  She always refers to him as her one and only and wishes they had more time together. The medium then asked the spirit if he was the one who brought up the song Shake It Off.  Yes!  He’s having a great time dancing all around and may not be the best at it.  If you watch Taylor Swift’s music video to that song, she just does her thing even though she’s not a great dancer.  He said “I’m learning how to do stuff”.  That means he is going to play with all of my (our) senses.  Sight, sound, hearing, touch.  The easiest way for us to recognize him is through our senses.  He was so limited with what he could do living with MS that he is now waving his arms and dancing around!   Later in the session she did mention that most spirits pick one way to connect versus every way.  I think HD can’t pick one way right now because he is having so much fun using all of his senses that he couldn’t enjoy for the past few years of his life.  Good for him!

So many more positive things happened during this session that all make sense.  I have the recording of it so I can listen back from time to time.  I’ve been thinking about starting a blog for a bit now and today seemed like the right time after my appointment with a medium.  My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for 17 months.  We suffered an ectopic pregnancy and the baby would be arriving this week.  This is part of the reason I wanted to try and connect with his dad.  To get to know him better (since unfortunately I never got to know him when he was healthy) and to help with the grieving process of losing him and also our baby.  I’m thankful that I got to spend time with him today and that it helped me to begin this blog.  I’ve talked openly about our loss and have been told by others that I have helped them through difficulties also.  I hope that I can assist others through their journey of infertility and loss.

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