I found the love of my life, after a first marriage and a lot of mistakes. With having trouble conceiving I often think that I should just be happy with the life we have together, without children. I know that both of us would be happy together no matter what. We know a lot of couples who have struggles and who may not love each other the way that we love each other. I’m thankful that I can say that I know what true love is. If we don’t have a baby, I know we’ll be fine and live a rich life full of love for one another. I can’t help but think that somehow I’m being punished though. Through my battles of eating disorders and what I consider to be selfishness now (didn’t then), and say I didn’t want children (probably because I never found the right person to have children with until I met my husband), I tend to think that this is my punishment. I have everything I’d ever want in a partner and soulmate and the universe is telling me I can’t have it all.
It just doesn’t seem fair. Others have babies all the time without a problem. Or, without having to go through several doctor appointments and drugs and special timing to have sex. I’ve done my fair share of over-drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes and I feel like maybe that is why this is happening? But then I think about crack whores who get pregnant and friends who chain smoked daily for years and years and they got pregnant. I have a friend who smoked throughout her pregnancies (2) and her kids are amazingly perfect. So why me, now? Why do I have to think about my past, my 20’s, having fun, and think that perhaps those years affected me now – wanting to have a child with the man I love. I now do everything that I need to do to be healthy, yet I’m overweight. I like to try and blame it on the clomid but I’m sure that’s not it. People who know me may say I’m not overweight, but I definitely am. I can’t even lose a few pounds. I can’t do anything right. I remember my sister telling me this after she suffered from one (of 3) of her miscarriages. She was trying to lose a few pounds and felt like she couldn’t even make that happen and felt like a failure (she’s tiny by the way) all the way around. I tend to tell myself that I’ve been through a lot the past year, so big deal I’m a little overweight. But then I think, if I was at the perfect weight maybe I wouldn’t have trouble conceiving. Then again, there is an issue with my husband too and the shape of his sperm. So I know it’s not just me, but I want to blame it on just me. I also know people who are severely overweight and they have a ton of healthy children also.
Something my doctor said the other day has stuck with me. After she explained that it seems perhaps I’m not ovulating and we should see a fertility specialist, I asked her how did I get pregnant once (ectopic) if I don’t ovulate? She said maybe I got lucky. Maybe I got lucky!? I would prefer that we didn’t get pregnant at all. Maybe I would have found out earlier that I don’t ovulate. But I took ovulation tests before and they said I was ovulating (time to have sex). So how can that be? I found that pregnancy tests don’t lie. I got one positive one before with the ectopic and I have never gotten a positive one again. So do the ovulation tests lie? Or, it’s that I ovulate “late” or something like that. And, if I were to have gotten lucky that one time, why didn’t it result in a pregnancy that could come to term?
We have had names picked out for a long time. It sucks when others we know are having babies right and left and perhaps they “stole” our baby name (which is impossible because we’ve only told a few close family members). I know in the grand scheme of everything, it doesn’t matter if someone we know used the same name that we want that means so much to us. But it disappoints me knowing that it may be years until we can possibly conceive and have a healthy baby and perhaps we will pick another name by then. That makes me sad. I want a baby now and I want to give the baby the name that we want. I feel like that will never happen.
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